“I will show you fear and a handful of dust.”

So this strays from my photo format, and also from the intent of this blog but I had to put it somewhere and the LJ didn't seem right. Partially because this is somewhat anonymous, partly because the people I know that read it are the people I'd share this with anyway.

So what is this about?
It's about Bones. (yes, spoilers ahead)

I love Bones, always have since Patty and her mom introduced it to me. Not just because of David Boreanaz, though originally he was what piqued my interest (Hey, I've always thought he was hot beyond belief)

But it's a show that really has a heart. There's been some episodes that have just stuck with me, the message and the emotion in them. The Hero In The Hold comes to mind, as does the 100th and the one set in NM, which for the life of me I can't remember the name of right now...(edit: The Skull in the Desert)

Actually that one ties in to this, I think. In that, Angela is questioning if she ever really had anything with a man that she dated only for a few months every year for a month or so, and someone tells her that if they were all each other's for that time, that's more than some people get in a lifetime.

I think of that when I think of this episode, though this one was just...heartbreaking. For her to FINALLY realize that Booth was who she belonged with at exactly the wrong time, for him to save her the way he did and then absolutely break her heart, even though it was what he had to do at the time. Emily Deschanel was fantastic, she absolutely tore my heart into a thousand pieces.

When she fell apart that way...I would have completely lost all composure were I watching it alone, and as it is I nearly did. That sobbing? The way she cried? That kind of sorrow I don't know if anyone who hasn't been through it can even understand. It makes your jaw ache trying to contain it. I've cried like that a few times, one of which was the hardest day of my entire life, walking out a door I never, never wanted to walk out so amazingly in love and so intensely heartbroken that words...don't even come close to describing it. I've only ever felt that once. It's consuming. And that jaw aching cry? I remember all the times I've felt that. One that comes to mind was when I was on the plane home to New Mexico, the first time I'd visited IL afterwards. I was scared because NM didn't really feel like home yet, but IL definitely didn't. Going back that time, I passed all these things that were familiar and NOTHING felt the same. Everything was foreign and gray and bleak. And because I hadn't yet found home in NM, because I was so alone in Los Alamos, and because things were so hard out there at the time, finding my way, trying to manage on 200 dollars every two weeks.... I felt lost. But when I'd gotten to the airport that day I found I was aching to go back to NM. I was holding on to this moose my mom gave me that sings Blue Moon just aching to be home again. And it was on that plane, staring out the window to hide the fact that I was crying that I felt that jaw ache. All I wanted was to be back, to go see my cat, Bill and all my friends. I knew that when I landed that'd all be there for me and I was just...so homesick in that moment. I remember how badly my jaw ached trying to hold in all those tears.

And honestly, I haven't seen it portrayed that way so well....god, nearly ever.
It more than got to me. I felt it again.
I can't really say I wanted to, but I have to applaud that level of acting.

So this is about Bones...and life. And that intensity. And I don't know why I needed to say something after seeing it, but I did.
All I can think is...we can't lose those feelings, and we can't ignore them. As awful and gut wrenching as loving a place or a person or some combination of both is, and as much as sometimes you don't get what your heart is longing for, or you don't get to keep it....
I always want to remember that it is so, so worth it.

No one said it had to be EVERY day. ;) Unrealistic expectations out the window! Day 5!

Day 5! Post a picture of somewhere you've been. Since I love landscape photography, this is gonna suck. See you in 30 minutes when I figure out which I'm going to choose.

This...is somewhere I've been. A lot. It's somewhere I lived. Well, not AT this overlook, but very near. This is in Los Alamos, NM.

Los Alamos was many things to me. It was a study in new things, survival, and isolation. I was at this overlook ALL the time. I used it as my own personal sanctuary to sit and think, to draw, to take photos, and to generally just sit in awe of where I lived. I could look across to see Santa Fe, over to see the waterfall flowing down from the cliffs....or just down to see the river winding through for what seemed like forever. I stayed for a whole sunset one time, just watching the colors change. I got caught in a crazy storm while I was sitting on open rocks over the canyon...that one was scary. The wind whipped up before the storm came and I was trying to get back to even ground, but I wasn't exactly sure when it was even safe to stand up. The storm had looked really far away across the mountains but it swept in really, really quickly. It was incredibly cold, I got soaked, and I still had a mile walk to the house. A mile's not that long until you're in the middle of a bad storm. But, honestly? It was pretty cool. Once I got in and safe, I thought... "wow, that's experiencing the power of a storm..."

And then there's this picture. I'm not sure exactly why I landed on this one today for this. On another day I'd probably pick a different one.

But I know exactly what was happening this day. This was taken on the day after I got out of the hospital when I had my sudden onset kidney infection. I'd gone to pick up my meds and was supposed to go straight back to bed, but I didn't. I know, probably not my best decision, but I wanted to go back and see it. I was feeling overwhelmed and scared and ...well, mostly scared, and sick, and I wanted to see something I loved, something that reminded me how amazing it was that I was there. How lucky I was. And with the snow falling over the mesas...it was great.

It was in December all this happened, and this was something I'd never seen before. Snow in the desert. It was going to be a totally new Christmas, maybe one on my own (though it turned out to be a two person, amazing Christmas enjoying new traditions and just taking it slow), and this was a totally new sight for me. I wanted to use it for Christmas cards for my friends, and I was too broke to do it.

So here it is, an early Christmas card to remind you that anything is possible. Even snow in the desert. ;)

Day 4: A habit you wish you didn't have

It was interesting trying to figure out what I'd use as my visual aid. And while my lovely assistant paints a pretty picture of it...
Bottling things up is my bad habit.
I'm a pro at it.
I can stuff pretty much every feeling I have down nice and deep. And I do. To my own detriment.
It took working an escalations line at a job I used to have to realize that sometimes you DO have to stand up for yourself, and sometimes, I've learned, it's a huge huge detriment to a relationship you really don't want to cause damage to to NOT say anything when you're feeling bad. I've also hurt the relationship trying to say too much, but I regret that less.

I guess for me...being heard is important. Not being right, or having my way, but just feeling like someone, somewhere is listening. I'm ok with being alone, and sometimes, like tonight, I revel in it. I just...the relationships I cherish the most are the ones that have shown me it was ok to speak the things from deep, deep down. The times I broke the bottle have proven to be some of the best, even if it hurt like hell. When I finally told someone it was my heart to move out West, when I finally told someone WHY I wanted my tattoo and why it was so important to me, the times I've told people EXACTLY what I was thinking....
Those have been rewarding.

So although Ana makes it look fun...I'm gonna try to make life more of an out of the bottle experience.
Cheers.

Day 3: Don't hate, i know I'm late. A photo of me and a friend....

Here we are! Me and Kija, a few Januaries ago. Probably 2. :)
Kija is awesome. A little bit about her...

I think the first thing you can tell , just from the picture, is how fun she is. Fun and happy. Happy-inducing, too.
At first, Kija was a friend of a friend of a friend....but that changed pretty quickly.

She's enthusiastic, artistic, smart, funny and KIND. More kind than most people. She is ridiculous amounts of fun and she made the lonely days in Los Alamos much less so. I think one of my favorite times with her was when we spent the day out at Bandelier National Monument....both of us adore the outdoors, the beauty and the hiking were amazing, and we can just talk about anything.

We have a lot of the same interests, and we enjoy doing a lot of the same things. But honestly, she's just an amazing friend. I really did have these days out there where I thought I couldn't do it, where I thought everything was falling apart, where I thought I lost EVERYONE. Kija's seen me at my worst and at a few bests, and we've been able to find a way to squeeze the joy out of even the worst times. She took me in on what was the worst night of my life and helped me go back home, even when I didn't know where that was.

And that, my friends, is the definition of a friend.
To Kija! My wine, shopping, silliness, movie, photography buddy with a heart of gold. :p

Love ya! miss ya!
Wish we could meet at Burrito Lady more.

Day 2: A picture of you and the person you've been closest with longest...

Hehe. Bet you thought it was gonna be a friend of mine, and I thought it might be too, but I ran across this picture when I was looking for one of me and my friend Dawn taken earlier this year, and I thought..."Y'know, this is actually the one I was looking for"

My grandma....I'm not even sure where to start. I love this woman. She is stubborn and gentle and wise and funny. She is the matriarch in the family but not because she forces her will on others. She teaches me lots of things, cooking Polish food, putting my hair in pin curls...

She's a warrior, because she lived through the Depression, the gangster era in Chicago when people would come looking for protection money and the little old Polish lady that was the landlord would chase em out with a broom, losing her husband and still raising 4 kids. She's not one to complain, either, she was never a victim of her circumstances because she didn't let herself be.

She's taught me that you're only as old as you think you are, that you can laugh at life and at 80+ you can be a kid and make cloud animals or sneak Oreos or something similarly silly. But we also have serious talks. I remember having some good ones when I came back from New Mexico and was so incredibly depressed and heartbroken. She was kind and wise and *listened* to what I had to say. And she never faulted me for being so in love, never insinuated, as so many others did, that a guy was the reason I went out there. She believed I loved THE PLACE first and that was the reason I left, not because of the person I loved. She made me feel like I wasn't stupid and wasn't too little to be loved, and she really sympathized for what I was feeling, even though even I was tired of being so depressed.

Anyway...
I just love her. And we've always been close. She's partially responsible for raising me, during the summers when mom was working and sundays for dinners and things....and when mom had to go somewhere I couldn't go when I was little. I remember Sesame Street with her, walks around downtown Antioch and trips to the mall with her and Aunt Gene....sleepin' in her bed when I'd sleep over and listening to the gurgling tummy sounds....Wheel of Fortune....EVERY.NIGHT. (this is why i'm so good at the game. every.night.)

She's an amazing person. She charms the socks off most everyone she meets. Many, many people ask me if they can borrow her, and I feel lucky I get to see her all the time.

And I'm not too proud to admit I still ask her for kisses before bed since she's here and that sometimes, I'll rest my head on her lap so she can scratch my head like she always has. If that's silly and childish, fine. I'll take it. :)
Speaking of, it's almost time to go down after the news to say goodnight.

But yeah, I think....this makes sense.
She's my grandma. She's known me forever, since longer than I knew anyone real well.
And yeah, we're close. Never...never mess with my grandma. You will be harmed.
:)
Not that anyone would want to, I can't fathom it.
Ooo, i really need a grandma hug. Buh-bye, blog people.

Day One: Post a recent photo and 15 Interesting Facts about yourself

I am so not amused by this for day one, but meh, here we go. :D

This is a recent photo of myself. :D
It reminds me I need to re-dye my hair to get it back this red...

And ..without further bush-beating, let's go with the 15 Random Facts about me. I didn't promise interesting.


15. I'm primarily a musician, that's my main form of art, but I'm also a calligrapher, sketcher and my own personal favorite if I need to sort something out is actually collages, believe it or not.

14. I find the rain ridiculously romantic. I love the fresh smell of the world when it rains, I love the steam that rises from pavement, I love the chills you get, and I love the sound of rain on the rooftops.

13. I want to travel the world. Seriously. I just want to go explore. I don't think that will ever change. I *always* want to go new places and find new things.

12. I still want to own a restaurant and have it be a place full of music, like the Stage Door was.

11. I nearly drowned when I was about 4, out in Wisconsin Dells, when I slipped through the middle of an inner tube on the Lazy River. It was really scary, but I never did fear water or swimming.

10. I go to Lake Michigan to think, to pray, to kinda pick out the pieces of my life. Lake Michigan was my sanctuary out here. Out in NM, it was the overlook in Los Alamos, and in Socorro....well, I felt like i was kinda living in it.

9. I always said I wasn't sure I wanted kids. I still don't know if I do. But somewhere inside of me I know that I'd probably feel weird if I never had them, and every so often I wish I knew what it was like to be that connected to someone.

8. I'm planning on getting a tattoo. One of the best promises someone made me was that they'd share in the experience, and I'm hoping that person still will, but I'm a little afraid to ask them. They're also the only person who understands to the PINPOINT why it has to be a tattoo and why it is what it is.

7. I keep having dreams lately about being betrothed to someone and knowing in my heart it's completely wrong. Last night it was a dream about marrying a guy from HS who's successful and sweet when all along I was standing beside a man who was the one I really wanted to be with. I'm not liking those dreams.

6. This house makes me feel more connected to life here. And every night I love the window open and being up here on the third floor, because it's high up enough I can see the stars like I could when I was living in NM.

5. I am in constant fear I will stay here for one reason or another. I'm also afraid to not be here because I know that things change everywhere and I'll have to readjust all over again. It doesn't change my mind that I love New Mexico even if everyone I knew there wasn't there anymore, but it just scares me to settle for here, but also to go out there again.

4. I'll bury this here, because I always try to bury it some. I miss my dad. There are days when i think about him, about something random. I look at a picture and see the resemblance, so strong...and I wish I knew more than that I looked like him. I wish I knew *him*. And I have a great dad here, but there's no replacement. And I grew up ok, but...it doesn't change the missing.

3. I get angry when I get called naive. I'm really anything but. At times I feel bitter and hardened. But I don't feel like apologizing for having my heart on my sleeve nor do i want to be mocked for it. It is what it is, it's who I am. I care. I'm done apologizing for it. If you are in my life in any regular fashion, I care about you, deeply. Deal with it.

2. I still really hate being called Muriel. It still makes me mad.

1. I am not ready to hit 30. I feel behind.


Ok, well that was....cathartic. I can't wait til I don't have to find 15 talking points on myself.

But hey, that's a picture, and day one!

project!

Ok, so I said I'd come back, I came back for a day and I left. I figure if I do this project, as I've heard from wise men, and I really do it, every day for a month....then I'll have made it a habit and it'll be easy to do.
So, taken from my sister from another mister, Sarah K. , here we go. Here's what I'm going to do.
Post later after I bike to Jewel for day one.

Day 01 - A recent photo of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest Day 03 - A picture of you and your friend Day 04 - A habit that you wish you didn't have Day 05 - A pictu...re of somewhere you've been to Day 06 - A picture that shows your true self Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on you Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most Day 10 - A picture of someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future Day 11 - Your celebrity crush Day 12 - A picture of something you love Day 13 - A picture of something you hate Day 14 - Picture of someone you could never imagine your life without Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die Day 16 - Someone you would want to switch lives w/ for one day and why Day 17 - Your favorite song Day 18 - Picture of your biggest insecurity Day 19 - A picture of someone you miss Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel Day 21 - A picture of something that makes you happy Day 22 - A picture that confuses you Day 23 - Something you crave for a lot Day 24- A picture of yourself and a family member Day 25 - Picture of yourself and a family member Day 26 - A picture of something that means alot to you. Day 27 - A picture of something your afraid of Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then? Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile Day 30 - Who are you?