Back burn

Still here.
Still writing and taking pictures.  I haven't really met my goals, and I'm disappointed, but I think the best thing to do at this point is to keep going.
There was a lot of extenuating, and as much as I would like to say that it's all daisies and roses, it's just not been.

Between the accident and some family stuff I can't get into here...I'm trying to keep positive. Nights like tonight, out with my best friend at the movies, laughing and passing candy back and forth...definitely make all the difference.   That 48 hour slice of awesome?  I couldn't ask for more than that.

The thing is, shadows of words that were said are proving hard to chase out.  I lost the confidence I was gaining that things could get better.  I lost the light at the end of the tunnel a little.
One step forward two steps back, in a lot of ways.

I don't feel I've gotten anywhere with the family issues, and I'm starting to think I just may never make progress there, because you can't make progress in any relationship all on your own. That makes me sad, because it was never something I expected.

And let's be honest. I am having a hard time with the car thing.  Not just because I loved the Jeep and all the sentimental attachments, but just...the loss of freedom. The reliance I have to have now on everyone who isn't me.  Their whims and their moods.  The feeling that it's far from temporary. And people have been great so far about it, most people.  And there's the train.  I just...I can't go for a calming drive. I can't just go over to be with someone I want to be with. 

I don't know. I didn't start this out as a post to complain about things.  
The highs have been pretty high.  There's people in my life that...I could not be more grateful for, who have made the world go away.  There's people I'm getting closer to that I didn't expect to, and people I'm getting closer to that I always hoped I would.  There's been the absolute safety of not having to hide from someone, from being able to just be you, stupid jokes, awful hair, and good moods or bad.

I don't want to lose sight of that.

It's been a rough few weeks, and I'm more scared than I have been in a while that everything is going to get worse.  But I'm holding on with a little help from my friends. 
I think that's all we can hope for, is people to be there when we need them the most, even if we're too proud to say it.

Meant to be Broken

Well hi there.
So I spose it's clear I haven't been around the past two nights, because there wasn't anything posted. 
Little hiatus. Unplanned, but worth it. I don't intend to let the lack of doing things keep me from continuing. Might just stretch 21 to 23.

Sometimes opportunities come along and your calendar magically clears itself and you can find 48 hours of absolute awesome when you weren't even necessarily looking. Which is what happened to me.  Laughing and cooking and watching movies, shopping, drives, cool breezes and quiet outside the windows. 

I needed it. I'm still in awe of how everything can be so dark and you can still find some light in it. To me, that's really what the last 48 hours was.  I've got that hangover you get when you know that the best part of your week has just wrapped up.  I'm ok with that though.

Taking the advice of Kurt Vonnegut I'd just like to say "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

Here it is.

I'm angry. I'm sad, and I'm hurt. And I'm alone.
I'm in the kind of place you get in where you just want to burn everything down.
But I didn't run away. I didn't selfishly take advantage of a big heart and ignore that there's bigger things going on.  I didn't drink myself under the table (I stopped myself). 
I still kept up the promise I made to myself.

But what for, you know?
Tonight it doesn't really mean much to me.

Sometimes you wanna go..

Tonight was a Chicago night.
Tonight I didn't get my first choice or even my second, in some ways.

But I got out, and I did something I really wanted to do just because I wanted to do it.
I was already feeling cooped up and completely at the mercy of other people (I figured that wouldn't taken long with no car) and just getting out the front doors to head down to the train station in Libertyville felt good.

The walk along Wells did me some good, just clearing my head, getting me to areas of the city I hadn't been in a while...

Stopping into Adobo made me get out of my shell some, since the place was packed for Cinco De Mayo and there was nowhere to sit unless you sat at the bar. I met a really nice older lady and her son, chatted up the bartender and lamented the random bs that happens in life with a girl with a cool hat and a bad wifi connection.  Had some good tequila, some great sopes, and listened to a fantastic mariachi band.

I love that music. It's colorful and flamboyant and vibrant.  Then a patron of the restaurant asked if they knew a particular song, and he sang.  He had the most amazing voice...floated over the din of the busy place easily, and rang out wonderfully.  I just thought "man, I want to play with these guys" and start to think about all the other things I wanted to do.

Sometimes, even though you want to share things you love with people you love, you should just do them no matter what happens.
I grabbed a great friend, did some city exploring on my own, tried a new place for drinks (ended up getting a free drink from a great bartender too!) and then laughing my butt off at Second City seeing Kumail Nanjiani.  I even got to meet him and his wife afterwards and nerd a little about video games.  We then hit up a fancy French place for a nightcap and here I am now. 

All that to say this: do your own thing.  Stop worrying if people think you're weird or ditzy or too something or something else...why let someone tear you down for who you are? Wouldn't you rather be around people who just want to be with you with no caveats?

You're you.
Do you.

Because some of the best times you can have are when you strike out on your own and really just...have the kind of night you'd be home wishing you had if you'd talked yourself out of going alone.

Good evening.

Today's the first day I've felt almost entirely myself.  At least physically speaking.  I've got some pain but it's more of a nuisance now than anything else.

I admit my mood hasn't really changed for the better yet.  I'm feeling unsure of myself which makes me unsure of the people in my life which makes me feel bad about that on top of everything else.  I feel this sudden resolve to just get used to being alone because a bunch of people I'm used to being able to see are moving or leaving or whatnot and it's complicated with the people I do get to see on a normal basis.

I dunno.  I think it's just been a rough week and I haven't crawled out of the funk yet. 
I'm working on it. But even when trying to go out and do something I really wanted to do, I got unnaturally upset when it didn't work out the way I'd hoped it would with the people I'd hoped it would.

I ended up getting dinner with a friend I haven't seen in a while and having a good long friends talk that really helped me out, but 20 minutes after I was back in the door I kinda just felt sucky again.

I don't want my best friend to move to Seattle, a.  I'm afraid that her leaving will mean that some other people I mostly hang out with because of her will drop off too.  Then another of my friends is off to CO, and I've been trying to extricate myself from the jaws of what is probably a really unhealthy friendship and I'm starting to wonder what's left. I reconnected with a friend who's been out of the country and that was pretty cool, but she's about to go back to Africa.

*shrug*

I do ok with alone time, sometimes i crave it.  But...I dunno.  I just hate knowing i won't have a choice soon.

I hate being stranded too.  Can't just pick up and go to Target or Walgreens to grab something. Everything's a production, everything is begging off someone else.

I got good news today, but there's so much other shit attached to it I don't even feel it.
I just need...something
I don't know.

I want to get rid of it for a night. I want to feel safe with someone and loved. I want to escape into something good.
And I'm going to stop writing for now.

Two mugs...

Now that I think about it, this blog started off with two mugs.

Different, matching ones.  But two mugs either way.

And I think the reason was pretty much the same.  Last night I was not in a good place.  If you needed any proof of that, all you need to do is press the pretty little "Previous" button on the page.

But when I finally settled down, I saw these two mugs on my coffee table and I realized that I'd lost sight of something.

That morning, I wasn't sitting alone getting ready to go sell my car to a wrecker.   I wasn't taking a cab because I had to go out there early in the morning. I wasn't even checking my watch because I asked for 7 and got 6:59.

I was drinking coffee and watching the IT Crowd and forgetting about it for a little while.   And there might have been someone more fun to be with than someone who was really really attached to their car and who was sore and still kind of in shock about everything that changed in the course of a minute or so during a car crash, and worried about how much farther back she'd fall...but it's not always about easy.

Sometimes it's that you weren't alone for it.

All I can say is...two mugs... so much better than one.

There's no fortune cookie inspirational message today.
Truthfully I'm miserable.
Not only am I in pain that got worse as promised, I am incredibly sad.
I feel like I keep having to explain myself and justify my feeling the way I do, and I'm sick of it.
I have bitched at the very people trying to help me, and I feel bad about it.
I've avoided talking to people.
For some reason people don't take me seriously when I say I'm in pain, either, and that pisses me off.  Yes, it is only whiplash and bruising, but it really hurts.  And it really hurts worse today than it did before.
I don't have anything good to say.
I am defensive and oversensitive and I do feel like crying for a good long while because I feel like some of the pressure would let off.
I'm nauseous and I'm crabby and I'm tired and I'm just....not ok. 
Give me that, ok?