Reunited and it feels so...so...

So this past weekend was my 10 year high school reunion.  I'm not sure what I expected. It was alright, either way.  I actually had fun at the mixer, even though while I was still driving out there I wasn't sure I wanted to be there.  But the mixer had a nice feel to it, everyone kind of adjusting and saying hello. People mingled pretty freely among groups and people.  There weren't a ton of people, but I knew most of the people who did show up.

Went to the football game the next day hoping the cameraderie might continue but by that time it'd dissolved into people who hung out together still for the most part and people who had more in common. By which of course I mean, married/kids/etc.  Which was fine, I had one of my best friends with me and her son, and we were doing our own thing too. And the night before even though I'd mingled throughout the class, I'd also kinda stuck to some of the people I'd have normally hung out with in high school. There were people I wanted to know more about that didn't get a chance to come, including an ex-boyfriend that I'd had an especially tumultuous relationship with in the past but had settled into a decent friendship with, even attending his eventual wedding and receiving a birth announcement when his son was born.  He was off doing something for a job though.

I couldn't put my finger on my ambivalence about the whole thing, even after. I think some part of a person always wants to prove something, and for a lot of people that's what a reunion is about. Who's got the best body/car/job/house or whatnot. And I get the impulse. You want to have become something. Maybe have something to *show* for the last ten years since you left the hallways and lockers behind you.  One thing I can say is that for the most part, I didn't see a lot of "keeping up with the joneses" at the mixer. Everyone seemed to just like saying hello.  I wish that spirit would have carried through to the game. I really left that feeling kind of...eh.  All the good natured fun seemed to have dissipated by then.

Then I had a weird dream last night, where I dreamt of the reunion, being held at someone's house, I think, instead of the place it was held.  It was some sort of multi-night sleep over kind of deal.  There were two limos coming and I had somehow missed the second one while I was looking for shoes. I got a ride with my elementary school band director instead, and after a frustrating conversation arrived, dressed impeccably.  After some time had passed, the ex I mentioned previously arrived, unexpectedly, and asked if we could take a long walk and talk. It was pouring rain, and I agreed, so we set off. That's as far as the dream went because I woke up.

The dream bugged me more than I expected. But I think I figured out why. There's something about that particular ex that bugs me. Not him, not his fault, not really related to him except for this.  When I think about the past, esp. where he's concerned...and I know this will sound weird, but bear with me...I know that right now, my life could be very very different. I could be married and have a kid.  And I know that's still conjecture, but I conject with some very solid certainty to that effect.

Is it that I *want* to go get married and have a kid? No.  I'm not in some race to settle down. Those things will come when they come.
It's just that "you could be like everyone else" compulsion that everyone has inside them.
"You wouldn't be 'behind'" is what my head was trying to convince me.

Driving home today trying to figure out why the dream was getting to me that way, I realized that's what it was. Partially due to another conversation I had with a friend about always having something to prove.
Because 80% of my class is married with kids etc etc. Because I'm turning 29, because my sister and brother, both younger, are married, and one has a kid, and I'm not.

Then you know what comes to mind?
Long Way Around by the Dixie Chicks.  I've held on to that song. Cuz I never seem to do it like anyone else.  And maybe I am taking the long way around.
But sometimes that's more important than reaching some societal goal.
When you ponder the what-ifs in life...sometimes you realize..yeah. I could be married and living in suburbia with a white picket fence and 1.5 kids and a dog.

BUT
But what do you miss when you don't take the long way around? The I-80 of life might get you there faster, but you miss all the amazing things along the road.  Like finding a soulmate quick as the flash of lightning that changed it all...finding community, finding a place your heart was always meant to be, even though you'd never been there before.  Learning what it's like to be completely and totally alone.  Finding new passions and re-igniting old. Making new friends, exploring...standing at the bottom of an amazing canyon at sunset with your friends knowing you're the only one for miles.  Bringing people you love to the places you love, and new things blossoming out of that that make you smile....

Because I don't know, I could probably find a way to be content in that little suburban world. Content...but I always feel like I was built for different...for more.  I feel like I belong somewhere different.  I feel like there's a way to find something so impossibly great I'll spend the rest of my life being grateful for it.  I think that's out there somewhere if I don't just settle and I keep on going after life. Maybe dig my heels in a little bit more, start chasing the sunsets more adamantly.
I feel like....all the crazy places I've been, good and bad....maybe they're leading somewhere. I think about the amazing rekindling of a relationship I can't imagine living without today, how it's grown and changed for the better, and the glimmer of what the future could hold.
And if I'd stayed here? If I'd stuck with the safe, instead of following my heart then?
Well, I don't know.
I might be at the reunion talking about my husband and kids and house and whatnot.  I might even be pretty content in that role...

But for now, I'm taking the long way around, because I believe there's more.

Garden of the Gods...

I need an escape today. Work was rough.

And I keep putting off things I want to do, either for work or for other good and even fun reasons.

Either way, I kept meaning to come here and regale...whoever with tales of the awesomeness of my summer vacation....and it never happened.

Until now.

Because I'm taking some time for me.  I don't know that I've ever really stated this here or not. I'm an introvert. It doesn't mean I don't love hanging out with people or that I won't be social from time to time, it just means I need my alone time too. And if I go long long periods of time without it, like I have, even if I LOVED every minute of the social times spent with awesome friends (which I pretty much did, save maybe part of the reunion, which...that's a whole other ball of wax)...I need some sort of time to recover.  Take some deep breaths, sit on the couch in my own room and just...be me. 

Anyway, that's a LONG long and unrelated introduction (I never was good at those...) to this. Which is, my friends, a little tour of the hike I took the day of my good friend Kija's wedding.  About 5 or 6 miles total on a really sunny summer day with one of my other best friends from New Mexico, Lewis, who we met in the last post. 

Several things stick out to me looking back at this now.  One is that Lewis and I always find adventure. A long time ago, Lewis and I went to a party, had a fabulous time, walked back to the place I lived at the time, and then about...eh...6 hours later, he showed up at the door having randomly fixed my bike and suggested we go hang out in the canyon. We took silly pictures, hiked, nursed our hangovers with fresh air and greasy New Mexican food. When I first posted our photos, I named the album Lewis and Shaw, after Lewis and Clark. I feel like we've always been adventurers.  And we always have a good time together.  Half the distance was downtown Colorado Springs. So nothing as spectacular as when we hit this hill. But one of my favorite parts of the trip? When he and I sat down on a ledge for a water break, traded stories and shared trail mix. He's just a fun person to be with. And it seemed like a perfect day. :)

That's not to say there wasn't RIDICULOUS gorgeousness.  Be you Christian, Muslim, Atheist or...whatnot...pretty sure you can see why they'd call it Garden of the Gods.

It kept getting better the closer we got. We took this barely-there trail up into Garden of the Gods, which was so cool because I got to see it in a new way.  We literally came up over a hill right into the center of it instead of just driving in the gates and going in where they herd everybody through, and it made it more memorable.

Lewis blazing a trail. We weren't even sure if some of the paths we took were real paths. This one in the picture obviously is, but some may have been deer paths or somesuch. Either way, we were having a blast trying to plot the best way in.

I love these little trees that cling to the tops of cliffs where nothing else seems to dare to grow. I love the way it seems to be growing right into the sky.

Speaking of things that aren't at all afraid of heights...I was really excited to see these guys. I've never seen them in the wild. We took *lots* of pictures, and I think Lewis has a better one somewhere...his zoom was more powerful.  Still...we stopped and admired these guys and their grip on some seriously scary ground.

Not for too long though...this kind of doorway is the kind I absolutely have to run through.  The thing that's so awesome about having Lewis there...as much as he's seen, and that's a lot, since he's been biking across the country two or three times now...he can still appreciate the insane, immense beauty of a place like this. THIS is what the word awesome was meant for. Having said that..immerse yourself. I know I'm already feeling better.

That's...vacation. That's getting to the wide open spaces. That's an amazing day in a wonderful place.

There were some gathering clouds and we had a wedding to get to, so we finally headed back to get ready. It's hard to leave a place like this.

There was miles more trail that could be explored, which I didn't know, since I'd only ever been to the parts of the park that most people get to. We found out from a cab driver who took us back to our hotel.
In the end though...I can't complain.
It's amazing to get to be somewhere like that, and even moreso to share it with a great friend.

It's amazing how even the recollection of it makes me happy.  I can't wait to tell you more about the wedding that took place a few hours after this hike....but that'll wait til tomorrow ;)
Harass me if I don't post it then. This is my me time, when I'm writing about the places and people I love. I hope you love it just a little in hearing it, too.

Colorado Springs Eternal? Or somesuch? no?

The saga continues!
Because in real life, it really really did.
In real life, it was Friday, and I was headed to Colorado Springs to check into my hotel near Manitou with my fabulous, awesome, wonderful, fun wedding date Lewis, and see my sister and my genius, adorable, teething nephew Collin. :) Is that enough adjectives?  The shuttle took FOR-EV-ER for some reason, 3 hours. There was a wildfire in the mountains near the Air Force Academy, too. Small, but reminded me, a bit sadly, of the fires in New Mexico this year, and how quickly a small one can get...way too big.

I gotta say...I don't think I'd wish to live in Colorado Springs. Maybe Manitou...but holy crap, as embarassments of riches go...Colorado Springs has the kind of skyline no one can build. It's just...amazing.

I mean...seriously. This stuff gets straight to my soul. It gives me that same feeling crossing into NM did. That I just want to run and keep running, straight to the mountains, nothing in my way.  Something wild and unbroken, I guess. And granted, around here, you'd probably run into something, unlike NM, but still...there's still vast, amazing spaces like this. Huge beautiful mountains, red rocks and canyons, forests and lakes and rivers...waterfalls....it's amazing. Did I say amazing already? I just feel something inside of me as soon as I get places like this.  Happiness from super deep inside of me, knowing I could just get lost exploring and keep finding amazing things.

Ok. Before I ramble more about purple mountains' majesty (ABOVE THE FRUIIIITED PLAIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN) I should say...
Have I mentioned Lewis?

Here, he's suggestively? Weirdly? Eating pizza at the rehearsal dinner, which was totally awesome. Much like Lewis. Lewis is one of my very best friends from New Mexico. He's currently biking cross country again and agreed to meet me and be my wedding date. :) I was super excited, because he is always SO.MUCH.FUN. He has amazing stories, is super super nice, totally smart, and silly in such a good way. I hope he doesn't mind me posting a silly pic of him here. :)  He probably won't. :)

And the rehearsal dinner? It was super laid back, in CO Springs at someone's house. There was a keg to tap, more pizza than I've seen since I worked at a pizza joint, a karaoke machine,  an amazing huge yard with a deck that you could see the lights of CO Springs from but managed to feel miles away. There was a game room with a poker table, pool table, darts, and a zillion other things. I got a lot of catchup time with Lewis and met some other fun people too. :)

Oh yeah, and... I GOT TO SEE KIJA AGAIN! :)
I was so excited the moment I saw her. Kija is another super awesome friend from New Mexico and the reason I was out in CO at all. Her husband is also super fun, and it was good seeing him again as well. Such a cool reunion. I really made some great friends in New Mexico, and it was so amazing to see two of them together in one place after a really long time of not seeing them.

Here's the beautiful bride and some of her girlies. :)

And, as it happens, her G-ROOM. I called him that the entire time. HE STARTED IT!

In case you can't tell, he is wearing a shirt with a bride and a groom on it that says "Game Over."
He was also wearing that shirt when he proposed. :P He's got a sense of humor that way. :P
But honestly? They are really really great for each other.  They have fun, they support each other, they can be really goofy with each other (which honestly I find important. If you can't be yourself and let loose and act like an idiot around someone with no consequences, they're not right for you)

Anyway, it was an amazing night. I'm so glad to have been a part of it. And like I said before, it was only beginning....
Stay tuned, folkses. Same bat time, same bat channel. :P

Denver: Adventures in Narcolepsy. :)

So, I'm still here And I totally intend on posting more CO stuff, SEE? (I say this cuz as soon as I don't people come out of the woodwork wondering why, which is a nice feeling :D )
So we left off in Boulder. Which again, was an AWESOME start to things.

I left Boulder slightly early afternoon and took the bus back to the airport.  It was HOT HOT HOT. Like, stupid hot. You couldn't sit on the benches at the airport while waiting for the hotel shuttle because they'd burn your butt off. On the way back I was trying to reach a friend I'd wanted to get together with but it didn't pan out. We kept missing each other. If I *had* to have a regret from this trip besides "getting on a plane back to IL" I'd probably say missing out on hanging out with Vanessa, cuz it would have been awesome.

I was insanely sleepy and sunburned, and I got back to my hotel and thought "I'm gonna relax for about ten minutes and then go take a swim before we go out!"
Five hours later, I woke up.
No lie. Literally five hours later.
Honestly though? It was nice.

When I woke up, it was a little later than I would have liked to go walking around an unfamiliar part of a big city, but I remembered there was a hotel that had a pub in it that was just down the lot from us. So I decided to go try it.  Sat down, had a local beer (this would become a theme) and an appetizer, watched the Cubs game that was on, and generally sat and enjoyed myself. I'm not always one who likes to eat alone in a restaurant, around these parts it just seems depressing, but if I'm travelling I somehow forget that feeling. It feels like an adventure. I enjoyed the laid back vibe of Colorado, and everyone was really nice.  Then when I'd had my fill and felt slightly buzzy (thank you altitude) I hit the hotel room again for silly shows and still more sleeping. :)
Took a swim in the morning instead, met a family from Upstate New York, did some laps (not thanks, altitude) and lazed about more until I had to leave for DA SPRINGSSS. :)


So there's not a ton of pictures from the Denver leg, obviously. :P  But honestly? There's something I like about staying in hotels, exploring new restaurants and just getting a day in there to do WHATEVER you want. And while yeah, I still missed there being someone there to share it with, and had certain people in mind, I knew the next day would bring tons more people...and PICTURES, LOTS OF PICTURES.
Fin.

Get a little Boulder...

So... really early yesterday morning, as the sun was rising, I took off for Colorado. While I was absolutely looking forward to vacation, it was a rough morning because I was looking back to what I was leaving behind.  Goodbyes are hard to say sometimes, moreso the longer you'll go between saying hello again and the more you care about someone.  I was *super* tired so though I love to look down and see the patchwork fields and the sea of clouds, I mostly slept and listened to music, which was really, really good news because I had had nearly NO sleep the night before. My choice, but still rough to deal with. :)

When I got to DIA, I immediately got my luggage and headed out to catch a bus to Boulder, CO.  It was somewhere I hadn't been before, but my mom lived there and tons of people really recommended it highly. Since I couldn't check into the hotel in Denver til that afternoon, I figured I'd kill the time up in the mountains.  That was the right decision. The bus ride took forever, because there was a lot of traffic, but Boulder was awesome.

Boulder has all kinds of breweries, shops, theaters and restaurants.  Some of them were still closed when I got there, but I wandered around inside any of the ones that looked interesting and were open already. It was eventually going to heat up to 95 degrees, but the morning wasn't bad at all.

Boulder is known for a lot of things, including Pearl Street mall. It's basically an outdoor mall area, all kinds of little shops.  Penzey's, Lush, some local art galleries, Steve Madden..to name a few.  Some touristy places where I didn't really find much I wanted save for a few postcards to send.  But it was still nice, and the town is so active there. There was a really nice clown (I know I know, I didn't think I'd say that sentence in my entire life either) who got me acquainted with the town some, gave me a paper that listed local events and made me a balloon flower. :P  I took some pictures along Pearl Street and generally milled about until it was time for lunch.

I'd been asking for recommendations but ended up going to a place whose menu was posted outdoors on the way out along Pearl Street that just sounded too good to pass up.  And I say that not only because they had a bunch of dishes that had green chile in them. (What? It's an addiction!)
The place was called Centro Latin Kitchen and Refreshment Palace.
It was...PHENOMENAL.

I am SO glad that's where I ended up. The restaurant was just opening as I got there, and I rehydrated while I perused the menu.  It's a pricier place, but I still did really well and got a lot of food (I'd been starving because my stomach was bothering me too much for breakfast).  I tried the shrimp taco and pork taco because when I asked which was better, they said they'd give me one of each for my platter instead of me having to decide.  They were both SO delicious. It's making me hungry just thinking about it. The spices were just right, and the cilantro must have been picked right outside the building.  The greens in the pork taco (which was carne adobada) were just as fresh. Everything tasted like it had to have been harvested that morning.  And I ordered a side of pork green chile...which...omg. It was exactly the right consistency, the pork fell apart because it was so tender...and the chile was fantastic. Roasted perfectly, fresh, the right kind of heat (though not Burrito Lady hot or anything)...the flavor was just out of this world, and it had home-made tortillas rolled up and there for you to dip. Those were fantastic as well. Worth. every. penny.  I enjoyed the chance to sit down with the backpack off, the food was fantastic, and the restaurant had a great atmosphere and sense of humor, as you can see from the drink menu. :D

After lunch I was winding down, so after a few more stops, I took the bus back to Denver, figuring I'd be able to check in by the time I got back.  Here's some shots of the AMAZING Flatirons from Boulder.

Ugh. Too gorgeous. The bus ride went quickly, mostly because I slept through all of it post-Boulder, and I arrived back at DIA where it was HOT HOT HOT.  Like 98, but in this altitude it feels like the sun is suspended five feet above your shoulder. Waiting for the shuttle at the ground transport place it was too hot to sit on the benches in the sun, so I opted for my shoulders hurting with the weight of the backpack I'd been wearing all day.  I checked in to the hotel without a problem, laid down on the bed to relax....and woke up 5 hours later.  Hehe, oh well. Vacation is about doing what you want to do, right?

I hit a hotel pub down the lot a ways for dinner, had a great local beer and an appetizer (because I was still full from lunch) and came back to the hotel to relax for the rest of the night.  Amazingly, I was still tired enough to go to sleep around midnight.  I only slept til 6:30, and I've spent this morning lazing around, getting breakfast, and then swimming laps in the pool and talking to a family from upstate New York.

I'm really glad I'm going to get to see Lewis and Shannon and Kija and everyone else today, but there's something so nice about travelling and exploring on your own sometimes. It helped clear any residual sad out of my head from the morning, let me go anywhere I wanted whenever I wanted without inconveniencing anyone else, meet people I might not have met if I was involved with friends and conversation, and was really, really relaxing.

It's getting close to checkout time, so I should probably get dressed and ready to head to Colorado Springs.

Colorado is still one of my favorite places on earth, and vacation has only gotten started and I'm having a great time. :)
I'm sure there'll be more photos and fun later.
Love to all. :)

Where Is Your Heart...

I love it when things come full circle all in one day's worth of thoughts.

Late this afternoon at work, I came across a love story. My line of work involves helping people at various major points in their lives. Marriage, children, retirement, death...so it comes with a lot of stories, if you know where to look.

And today it was just sitting on my desk. Someone who was married for 60 years to the love of her life. They met when he was in the Air Force, fell in love, and got married. He went overseas and fought in World War 2, and he almost lost his life when there was a plane crash. They got married but the documents were lost somewhere.  They had kids and he worked for a paper mill, and then he started his own company, but they never forgot saturdays they spent touring the warehouse with their dad.  She wrote to thank the company specifically for the help in finding the info since all of it was from so long ago, and she sent paper clippings and the funeral program along, she said, both because they didn't have the marriage documents and because "I just want someone to read this, please."

So I read.
"We love this man for who he was, for what he loved: jokes, drawing, photography, family, grandsons, words, language, people, night skies, clouds, hiking, camping, trees-beautiful trees, every flower, every rainbow, double entendre, jazz, skiing, badminton, tennis, ping pong, golf, scrabble, Breyer's vanilla ice cream, coconut macaroons, sticky buns, buddy rich, jazz piano, fireworks, power saws, playing bridge, his vegetable garden, pride in his home, Messiah Methodist, boy scouts, home-made donuts on Saturday morning, syncopated rhythms, freshly squeezed orange juice, eye-popping colorful sweaters, table-top drumming, gravy with a little food, ballroom dancing, juggling, triple balance, stream hiking, magic, maps, airplanes....Dad, we all have so many wonderful memories...We see the world in technicolor because of you"

It *STILL* blows me away. 

People have a choice of how to be. Some people lost their conscience in lies and left a path of destruction in other people's lives and hearts. Some people get hurt by those people and make sure it never happens again by living in the dark. 

And some people?

Some people leave this man's legacy, love words, photography, beautiful trees and every flower....

And they teach the people they leave behind to see the world in technicolor.

Where the heart is...

It'll be no secret to anyone who's remotely read this blog or anything else I've written that I found home about three or four years ago, when I left my old home in Illinois, packed everything up in the back of my Jeep, and moved to New Mexico, which I feel like was where I found my true home.

I think everywhere you live gets a piece of your heart, and right now, my heart is aching a little more than it usually does for NM.  The Las Conchas fire has gone from 6000 acres when it started yesterday to 43000 acres today.  They've evacuated Los Alamos, including the hospital. This is the same area that in 2000 had another huge fire, 47k acres burned up, plenty of homes and structures destroyed. It's ten and some change years later, and again, people are in danger.  This is the same town that I sometimes HATED because it was so WEIRD and so EXPENSIVE and it was SO HARD to be so far away from home and trying to make my way.  Sometimes I felt so alone.  But it's where I got a new start.  It's where I'd run to the overlook, sometimes to cry and feel like I'd failed and made a huge mistake, sometimes to sketch, sometimes to try and capture the amazing sunsets through a camera lens...sometimes just to think.  It's the place that gave me some of the coolest jobs and random opportunities that I've had.  There is NOTHING I liked more than the morning break when I was working at Ruby K's bagel cafe.  I'd take my cup of coffee out with me while the dough for the day's bread was in the mixer, after the bagels were done, and take a cherry turnover, and I'd sit on the steps of the Parasol restaurant in our same complex, facing the mountains and watch the sun rise.  As much as I'm against morning...the sunrise over the mountains will change all that.

When I really took a moment to breathe it all in, no matter how awful my day was, or what kinds of things I was facing, all I could really feel was blessed. Lucky to be able to live somewhere like this.  It's a gorgeous, amazing, wild place.

And as much as I say I was lonely there, there were special people there.  Ruby and Kelly who gave me a shot baking, something I never thought I'd get a chance to do professionally. My buddy Jeremiah, the baker I apprenticed under.  The produce guy who was always so kind to me and made it a point to talk to me on lunches up in the employee area, who I later found out was an AMAZING poet...when he came to read what he'd written at the cafe one evening.  Marilyn, who was nice to me from the get-go, and who gave me a second job I desperately needed, but also a sort of mother figure in town.   The next door neighbor, a man who showed great care and love for all the things he put his hands to. He had the craziest garden for someone who lives in the high desert, and he used to water it like, three times a day. It showed.  I'm pretty sure it seems crazy, trying to keep something like that alive, but he was SO. faithful to it.  And then one day when I stumbled over to his house, one big mess of wet hair in the snow, barely able to stand because (unknown to me) I was in the midst of a massive, really dangerous kidney infection, he dropped everything and drove my Jeep up the mesa (30 minute drive) in the snow, to get me to the emergency room. He held my hand and said a prayer and talked to me and told me it was gonna be ok.  And honestly? I didn't know what was happening. He may have saved my life.  I may not have been able to make the drive,  I know I wouldn't have. And I may not have known it was that serious and just waited.  It's hard to thank someone properly for that.

Some of these people live in White Rock, which has not yet been evacuated (at least not last I checked) and some live right in Los Alamos.  But they're facing the same things.

And this is what they're facing again. This picture was taken 6 years after the fire, still scorched earth at the top of the peaks.  Still recovering.

But tonight, these people are being evacuated from their homes, their businesses are standing in the path of a huge fire.  They've been called and told to get what they can get and leave. Make sure you bring what you can't live without, plan for not being able to come back.  Bring your most precious belongings.  Nobody knows what's going to happen next.  I so very much pray for rain for them, so that the fire can stop, so that the town doesn't have to face the losses it did ten years ago. But at this point all that's left is to wait and see.

And yeah, I didn't live there for long, and it was a battle the WHOLE time I lived there. But there are people and places I love, things I needed to learn that that place taught me.  People that cared about some random girl from IL.
Well, this random girl from Illinois has a piece of her heart back in Los Alamos, too.

I hope everyone gets out safely, and all I can think of is that I wish it would pour down rain.