Back Back Train- Fight The Power

There's been some rocks lately. I haven't talked much about it, because I'm sick of sharing about my rocks. I'm sick of being on the rocks. I wonder if I'm just rocks and that's all I am, you know? Throw me in the water and I'll sink like a stone, can't swim anymore.

This is sounding crazy grim, no? So Mom, if you're reading, or aunts and uncles, let's not get crazy. Surely, before, you've had a point in your life where you feel like everything's upside down, or even just one thing you really care about is upside down.  Surely you've felt like a big lumpy box of rocks. It's human. It sucks, and it's human. Ever notice how most of the things that people consider the most human are sucky? Just a thought.

There's something else there though, and maybe it takes being a sad sack of rocks for a while to get to it.  There's fight. There's struggle.  There's the urgent need to get things back online.

I need to get things back online.

I need to fight.

If I feel, or am made to feel, like a worthless, shitty person, I need to take a long look at it.
Yes, there's the part where you analayze and go "Hey, did I do something crappy to someone?" "Have I maybe hurt someone or stepped on toes or crossed lines? How can I fix this?"
It's hard to look at yourself and realize you can be selfish, rude, oblivious or downright crappy.
It's hard to realize you've wasted a lot of time.

But it's stupid to stay down. It's stupid not to fight. It's also incredibly stupid not to realize the things you are that are good, too. Don't throw yourself out with the bathwater, you know?

It's stupid not to try again. Try harder. It's stupid to stop if you fail again.
It's stupid to look at something or someone and say I can't.

So...no stupid.
No worthless.
Now's the time to use the drive I've always had to prove myself for good, and not to my own detriment.

I don't care what you see when you look at me. I don't care if you think I'll sink or swim.
Watch me fly.

New Wave- Day One with the HTC Vive

You guys...it's the future outside. Hold onto your hats, and I'll wait here while you look outside. Dancing, sorting, emoting robots...little tiny pocket computers you take everywhere...VR.

That last part just came to be in my realm today, when the HTC Vive arrived.  I pause here to say I am only writing this for my own amusement and to hopefully help others who are curious know what it's like, I've not gone all product placement on all of you.

I'm not going to go specs, suffice it to say your computer has to be pretty darn decent to be able to run it. If you're blessed enough to have that and are able to get a Vive...it is pretty amazing. We set it up within a half an hour, and as soon as we played around with the first little programs, it was impressive. The Lab software you get with it is a LOT of fun, and everything has that sort of Valve/Aperture/Portal flair to it.

The controllers fit your hands really well, are rendered perfectly whenever you're wearing the headset as if you were actually looking at a non virtual copy, and for whatever reason, make everything you do that much more immersive, from shooting a bow and arrow, to picking up and manipulating things, to becoming....

LORD OF THE SONGS!

One of my favorite moments in the few hours I've been around the Vive came in playing AudioShield. It's a simple concept, and kind of a simple program. It's not trying to make you feel like you're in the real Atlantic, or the real anything. What it IS is you and your music in space, as an incredible, surrounding game a la Guitar Hero. For some reason, the pure fun of punching/shielding out the beat to any song you have on your computer just got me all misty-eyed. It's the meeting of playing a game and actually doing things, kinda like DDR, but...even more amazing.  Instead of you hitting arrows on a pad lying on the floor in front of you, it's you and this open space and all sorts of crazy, pretty, glowy orbs waiting to be blasted into colorful confetti as you move along to the music.

I *love* the ability to have a big play space to move around in.
I love the controllers.
I love the Valve/Steam/Portal flair.
I ABSOLUTELY love AudioShield and can't wait to try TiltBrush, which is an immersive art experience.

I think Vive knows exaaaaactly how to produce a sense of awe with the technology it delivers. I think it knows that fun is fun is fun, and I'm really, really excited for the whole thing to become a little bit more accessible to everyone and more refined.

Is it a little weird wearing what feels like a slightly lighter brick on your face and having a cord running down your back? Yeah, a little. But with no motion sickness to report (coming from someone who gets motion sick from regular PC games and 3d movies sometimes) and all the amazing fun I'm having...I fail to care. Vive is really, really neat, and a whole new kind of fun, and I'm looking forward to more adventures.

Rough Around The Edges

Hello world.

I'm still here, even though it's May. I'm trying to stick to my word better, here and everywhere else.
Today, I'm trying to even go above and beyond a little bit by enduring sleep deprivation to wait for a package that has to be signed for even though my "shift" waiting is up, because m'dear love has not gotten enough sleep lately. So I shall share the deprivation with him by taking his other shift so he can sleep. Hopefully, I shall receive the box triumphantly, present it to him, and immediately fall into blissful slumber.

This should also explain any anomalies whilst typing. Blah.

I'm feeling a bit...down again today. I seem to have double-booked myself this weekend, and while I have a feeling that it has self-resolved, it makes me a little sad that it has. If you haven't seen me posting elsewhere lately, well, dammit. Cuz I haven't either. I'm going to continue to keep my nose to the grindstone, my head up, dedicate myself to doing better and better work each time I get a chance to, and hope that someone takes me up on the offer. Trying hard not to focus on the stories I wanted to tell that aren't being told. Feeling, today, a bit like I let myself and possibly my love down with the way things happened with the double-booking though. There's good reasons for not pushing to make it happen, but I still worry that I'm gonna disappoint.

Lots to look forward to and lots to do this week. Got the  garden under way, even a few things planted, like strawberries and a beautiful dahlia that I'm hoping to keep alive just as my own little baby project. Put some beauty out there.

I feel less good than I thought I even did when I started this. Perhaps the tired is messing with my emotions more than I thought. Even so, I need to make more of myself than what I've made in the past year or so, for me first, but for the people I love too.

I think I'll chew on that and try to breathe through the sads.
Rambling about sadness is not gonna get me anywhere.

The Closeout

Well, it's time to roll on out from prompts and start on my own two feet, all of you that took this journey with me.

I faltered, I missed, and indeed, I'm doing the last two days of April on the first day of May, but one thing I can say is that I finished. Instead of starting things only on Mondays or firsts of the month, I did the work, even if I was behind, and I finished.

Or I will, as soon as I roll out our last two and sew it up with a pretty little bow.

So! My 21st birthday-
I was still a dedicated pizza girl, so much of the crew I was close with was well aware I was turning 21, and excited to see me party it up.  So they and many of my other good friends met up with me at TGI Friday's to start, and thus began my immediate education on liquor. First drink I ever had was an amaretto stone sour.  And when I liked it, several more followed. Then the jolly rancher shot, then a lovely trick drink made to embarass the drinker, and probably a few more. The idea was that perhaps after Friday's, we'd hit another bar, but I don't think that we did. Instead, I opened presents, did the drinkin' that comes without the heavy bill, and managed to get away from my 21st with no wicked hangover or regurgitation. Yayyyy!

And now: Something I'm excited for...
Hm. It's felt rough around here lately. One of my close relatives has been sick, some work things are not great, and I've got a lot to think about as far as how life continues from here, and it needs to be thought out now...

There is something I'm excited about, but it's a bit of a secret for now, and I can't spoil that for this post. Some people already know.

I tend to want to have goals in my life, things to look forward to that drive me through the week or month or year, and I think I need to find some. Being so moorless is a bit of an issue. I don't know exactly what I'm excited for today, but I do know I need to find out, so I have something to carry me through.

Now: to the future! To promptless May!
And in May? I think I'll challenge myself to post at least 3 times a week. And take new photos to use for those posts. And find things to be excited about, day by day.

Y'know, whatever.

Behind the times again, and we're winding down. On the up side, I am liking blogging here more. On the up side again, I'm looking forward to writing without parameters.

So for starters, we're at 28. 28 is about phrases you use all the time. I have some, I spose. FYI is one, and I guess I use that so much to indicate that it's a useless fact I'm about to give someone. FYI, there's extra salad.  I guess I use it to say things aren't important.

At one point, I'd stop myself mid sentence a lot to say "Like...yeah." This prompted the boyfriend to pull a Miley on me, and start singing "Going to the store like yeah" when I'd say that.

I think my most common one now is "or whatever."

I know exactly why I do this, and it's part of the diplomat personality trait that sometimes gets out of hand. I tend to soften things or qualify opinions to make them seem less harsh. It's part of the people pleaser trait that gets out of hand. It's weird, because I'm pretty damn introverted, but I really really still want people, even strangers, to like me. Leads to great awkwardness. Or whatever is something that I tag on to the end of sentences to indicate flexibility. Like, "We can get Hardee's...or whatever." Like, here's my thoughts, but whatever else is good too.  I need to temper this, because while on the surface it's harmless, sometimes it's not good.

So that's a wrap on that.  29 later tonight, if I'm good.

Stripped

I think I'm gonna mix my prompts today and make them one and the same, because it feels right.

Today's about things you'd say to exes and what you're wearing.

I'm not dressed particularly nicely, but the pants I'm wearing are soft and comfortable and fit me nicely. They've got pockets, too, which is nice for a time like the present, when I need my phone charged and on me 24/7 in case of emergency. (Unfortunately, in the interim period between this post and last, things got a little more intense for me and mine, and I'm hoping that there's some sun that's gonna come from behind the clouds that gathered.)

What else I'm wearing is a simple black v-neck shirt. Hair's up in a claw clip, black flip-flops and well, comfy underthings.

I think that's how I feel about my relationship too (when things are going well, of course)...that it's soft and cozy and comfortable, and that it's not about airs or pretenses.  We know each other without suits or makeup or particularly good breath. We know each other cranky and smelly and sick and healthy too. And that's...in the same headspace that soft, drapey black pants with a pocket for my phone lay.

Not walking around in a pencil skirt where I haven't got the range of motion to kick my heels up, not nipping skin off the backs of my heels til they bleed to get a few extra inches...grounded. Naked toes, naked nails, messy hair.

This isn't to say I'm not obsessed with new things I can do with my Christmas Gwen Stefani eyeshadow palette or coloring my hair bright red or looking at pretty dresses to wear for no reason, and not to say that sometimes, if I'm coming home to my sweetie, I'm not putting on lipstick I wasn't wearing on the job or touching up eyeliner just to prettify for him. It's just to say that the basics, the comfort, the softness...is all good, and what I'm glad to have. It's not to say I don't think pencil skirts are THE.DAMN.SEXIEST sometimes. It's just to say I know NOW that the underlying comfort is where it's really at.

In this little metaphor, my SO now is the comfy pants, and my exes are the ones making my heels bleed and restricting my motion. You take these things off because they're hurting you, or in the end, they're just really not working for you.  That said, you cared about them once, so what would you say?

If honesty were any part of one of my ex's lives, I'd sit him down and tell him, one on one, in enough raw detail to drive the point home, how hurtful his actions were, and the trail of hurt he's left behind him. I'd tell him that the person that I saw was likely still in there, but he's paid too much attention to being some sort of alpha male playboy with an interest in whisky and his friends and family would rather him be a nerdy, outdoorsy sort who knows what truth is and realizes the hurt in his life is coming to him via his own hand. I'd like to tell him all the times he could have made it right and ask why he didn't just. Before, that was a burning question. Now? It's just...a sort of curiosity. Oblivious, malevolent, or something else, you know?

To another, I'd just express concern and support. A push to be something, create a fantastic life for himself, and not waste away in a better place than before, because then you really didn't gain any ground.

To any: That I'm not and should never have been a secret. That I can see now that I let some things happen to me that I shouldn't have, but that they damn well knew it too. That I'm worth the risk of a real relationship, and that I'm a damn good catch.

Sometimes, I need to tell myself that last one too.

Because Reasons...

Alrighty. I'm here, it's still 4/25 somewhere, like New Mexico, and I'm writing. I'm unhappy and tired, but I'll give you what I've got. This *should* be a fun post, so I'll try to get there. We cool?

This picture kinda makes me smile at least. Yes, I am holding a sign that says a dragon burned down my castle whilst literally panhandling with a plastic tiara and a singed shirt.

This was for GISHWHES, and it's me at my weirdest and boldest and most fun, and GISHWHES was a wonderful thing for me both years I did it. I kinda hope to be doing it again this year.

Anyway, weirdness is the topic, and I have plenty of that. Unfortunately it's four weird traits that YOU have and I am bad at talking about me successfully. So, we pull the teeth.

Traits. Weird traits.

1. Driving to un-mad/non-routine driving:  I got in a car and I was hooked. I loved the freedom, I loved night drives, I loved exploring. I drove to get away, I drove to be independent, I drove for work, even. And I still love it. Part of it is control, and that's not that weird. I like driving places because then I can leave when I want to, and knowing that helps me be more comfortable when I'm places that I'm not sure I want to be (hello, introvertedness on full display!).  But I also drive to calm down. I know people always say "don't drive angry" but driving actually helps me feel less stressed, more calm, more sane and less mad. Also, I like knowing multiple routes to the places I want to go and taking them often, even if one way is a little bit longer or has more traffic. I just would rather have a change in what's outside the window than save five minutes most times. This drives more logical people nuts, so I try to save it for when I'm alone, but luckily, almost everyone I'm close to indulges me in the wanderlust sometimes.

2. Talking to myself: I know it's not necessarily that weird, but I get more weird looks when I step out of the car having a conversation with myself than I care to admit. Usually I'm just going over what I need to do, or where I need to go or something, but I don't always curb it just because the car door is open, and sometimes I embarass myself with it a little bit. I think it's a function of being an only child for so long, and living on my own so long. I actually think I made my cat Ana a bit more of a vocal critter because of how much I talked to her when I lived in Los Alamos and was pretty isolated because of my baker's hours and general unwillingness to put myself out there to make friends at the time.

3, Severe Weather Obsession: Most of my close friends know about this. And now I'm  using it for good, as I've become a trained storm spotter for the National Weather Service by attending a class a week or two ago.  When I was younger I was terrified of even a regular thunderstorm, but as I got older I just became fascinated. It's especially tornadoes, as it's literally one of the most, if not the most, powerful force on earth, but sporadic and mysterious and here and gone. It's this random burst of incredible destructive force, and yet one house stands and another doesn't.  I've learned a lot over years and years of watching shows and documentaries, but I learned more practical stuff in my class.  Now I feel like I can take something I am randomly obsessed with and hopefully help my community. Last year was the impetus, when an EF-1 touched down in my town and the neighboring one, and neither community had sirens or warning for it til afterwards. I saw the rotating wall cloud but I wasn't sure I was seeing what I was. We went to the basement, it touched down, tore up a local food joint everyone loved, and tore the roof of the high school off in the next town over. If that had been a bigger tornado, I really don't want to know what would have  happened to the places I grew up in and where a lot of people I love still live. So I'm glad that instead of just watching two weeks of tornado shows as breakup therapy, now I can use the meteorological stuff I just learned to call it in and hopefully get word out should another storm come through here.

4. Intentional word murdering: So yes, I fight grammar nazi tendencies. But in my spare time, when not writing, I also like to murder the English language. The easier to pronounce the word is, the more I like to butcher it.  Car? Three letters. One syllable. It will now be "the cray."

Usually, I did this alone, or sometimes with my mom, who likes to call scissors SKISSORS or knives kuhnivees herself at times. Then I met the boy who now holds my heart, and I do it way, way more often. Early in our relationship, we had a sort of epic rap battle style mispronounce-off of the word "helicopter" which went on until we got to obscure units of measurements (hectarecopter) and left off at the completely insane "heca-lobster" which is sometimes what we still call them. I have, in fact, gotten confused looks from friends in recent years because of the new prevalence of this weird trait, when I yelled back at them to get in the CRAY. Oops.

So there's four weird things about me, and one other one: I'd drink milk with just about anything. Spaghetti and meatballs is a milk meal deal or no deal. No milk, no spaghetti.

Alrighty. Well, I do feel a bit better. Being weird tends to make me feel more comfortable, even if it's just on a blog.

So...goodnight?