Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Tonight I'm using this space as...well, what it always should be and sometimes isn't.
Just a place to download if I need to.
And I think I need to. What I need is more calm sunrises with no one around and less...stress.
That picture was taken on our super excellent and long vacation in Door County, which I already miss. During that vacation, we did exactly nothing whenever we wanted to, and exactly what we wanted to when we wanted to. Sleep til 2 one day, get unhealthy takeout and watch Moana at 4 am? Sure.
Wake up at 8 am to get breakfast and watch the snow fall, and then watch Food Network competitions and play Legend of Zelda? Sure!
Wake up at 6 and drive about a half an hour out to some icy cliffs to get some sunrise time with your camera? Yep.
I miss that.
Tryin' to get it other ways, but sometimes, lately, I find myself a bit spazzy and more irritated than I would like to be. Sometimes I just wonder how hard it'd be to help someone else out or be considerate, I guess? Sometimes I feel like I've taken the mantle of full on haus-frau like I don't have a job or ambition but I have both, and if there's any time I need to be working harder, it's now. I feel a bit bitter because to me, it seems like I can't ask anyone to wash a mug they didn't drink out of, while I'm washing a dirty dozen a day and I'm off caffeine.
And for anyone who doesn't think I'm working, I am. Despite setbacks. On top of which, a lot of the time, I'm feeling a crazy amount of anxiety and a dash of depression. I don't need an intervention staged or anything, and mom, if you're reading, you don't need to call, I just...have to manage life a little bit better. Communicate more, plan more, and fix some stuff that makes me feel insecure and just...crazy.
And maybe...realize what I can't fix. Other people, other people's relationships or lack thereof, and just...situational horror.
Sucky things just float out there, and you can't drown 'em for anything.
Maybe it's time to hold on to the good stuff, then?
I've gotta get out of a constant state of worry into something different. Life's tryin' to add stress while I try to take it away, but I'm gonna come out on top.
Beh. I'm not really sure what else to say, and I don't feel like a ramble. I think I'll disappear into a strange state of stupid show bliss, then, and leave this be what it was.
To all of you out there...I hope you find a little normal in a crazy world, even if it seems impossible to find right now.
And I hope I can get enough sleep to be a little more productive tomorrow.
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
More Women's Day stuff, you say? Yes, I say.
Because strong women are what I'm made of, what I want to be, and when I'm my best self, are what I am. And while that's a really grammatically terrible sentence, I'm going to forgive myself and move on from it.
I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be strong. I have a lot of role models for that. My mom was my first strong woman. Strong because she had to deal with her husband dying at the same time she had a very young newborn, and she had to move cross country, and figure out how to deal with grief, babies and relocation all at once. Strong because though the absence is always felt, I was never without the proper care and love, even with her having to work harder and longer than she would have if there were two parents in the picture.
My aunts are powerhouses too. One has been a lawyer as long as I can remember and also manages Martha Stewart worthy Thanksgivings and hedges of hydrangeas that only appear in most people's dreams (and now holds state office). She gets.stuff.done. And she's happily married and has two daughters who are both successful and, like her, down to earth.
The other worked her butt off as a mail carrier and eventually ended up working at the Pentagon. She was my model career woman, but she was also my godmother who would randomly show up and take me to the Dells and ride every single water slide with me. She raised two awesome, successful men and kicked cancer to the curb while handling her own husband's cancer. See if she can't do something.
My grandma, she's the matriarch in the family. But she's the best example of speak softly and carry a big stick I know. She's gentle and kind and funny and determined.as.hell. She raised four kids alone after her husband died, worked at a factory FORever, and is now 92, smart as a tack, and still beloved by almost everyone she meets.
Sometimes, men mystify me because I spent so much time around women. There was a time I was even a little bit afraid of being around people's dads because I didn't really know what to expect or how to be and sometimes I thought of dads as enforcers and not much more.
But the GREAT thing I got out of the way I grew up was that all these women, from mom to grandma to aunts, show me all the time it's not one or the other. Family or career, stay at home or work, soft and feminine or hard and savvy. Each of these women can and have been all of those things, and are still them. I appreciate the men in my life, even more than most in some cases because I didn't HAVE men in my life I could count on til much later, but I think the women in my life made me feel like women could do anything, and I want to pass that feeling on.
Alone or together, we can do the thing. Which thing? Name the thing, then get a group of determined women together, and we'll do that.
I originally started this post in my head as a look at the sci-fi women that I loved, because they were the same things I admired in the real women I loved, and then, owing back to a stupid taco commercial, I thought, why not both?
I'm damned lucky that not only were the real women in my life fantastic examples, but there were a lot of kickass women (and ARE a lot) in the things I love. Here's just a few:
I love Topanga Lawrence, because she was not afraid of her weirdness. And she wasn't afraid to go against the grain and do the weird thing when it made her happy and that's how she got Corey. And for them, the weird thing was the right thing.
I love Captain Janeway. Because she's a captain under crazy duress. And she stands up for herself. And because dammit, she might be stranded wayyy far from home, but she's gonna still get her cup of coffee no.matter.what. She gets it done, she manages a weird balance between family and employee with the rest of the stranded crew, she maintains a gorgeous mane, and she seriously will blow up the ship if you're gonna try and test her. Love.her.
I love Kira Nerys. Because she is a freedom fighter, a radical, an activist. She has resting bitch face but is one of the gentlest hearts in the entire world. She's broken, but she embraces it and uses it to better everyone around her. She's fiery and fierce and she cannot be taken lightly. She's a full on warrior.
I love Scully. She's confident, she's open minded, but she's certainly not changing her position just because someone else (even a sexy someone else) tells her to believe. She's gonna science it out. She's not waiting for anyone to give her answers.
And Dax, who sciences, and manages to have her own life among lifetimes, and manages to Klingon better than some other Klingons while still remaining her. Jadzia Dax will fly the ship, fix the ship, solve the problem and get back in time to dress up as victorian princesses with Kira for a holosuite trip. And don't you dare try to tell her what to do. She's a great friend and someone who really knows how to have fun, but you can also always count on her.
So...if you think you're alone, you're not. If you think it's better to be "one of the guys" because "girls are so mean to each other" it's time to change that.
Because we're women. We should have each other's backs and change the world for the better.
We should battle and science and then paint our nails pretty colors and wear glitter because we can.
Let's not let anyone stop us.
This was my shirt for International Women's Day... a day which I spent supporting my SO as someone he loved and who I now consider family was having surgery.
I knew immediately that this would be the shirt I wore because when I think about strong women the first place I go is Carrie Fisher, and it still guts me that we lost her.
I feel like I have a whole other post in me for today, so I might go ahead and put that up too, but really...Carrie was Leia, Leia was Carrie, and both of them were extreme badasses who made things better, not just for themselves.
I had and have tons of words about Fisher, but I'm gonna let you read them on Third Coast, because as hard as this was to write right when I found out about Fisher dying, I think that the things I wrote about her I most want to be true about me.
I want to use my voice to help other people find theirs, and I want to use my struggles as strengths and help people who are struggling.
Anyway, here's what I wrote then:
And I think I will do a part two, in just a few.
Friday, February 24, 2017
So hello. It's long about 6 am and I haven't slept yet. 2017 has started off the way most people feel 2016 ended. Hellish. Between medical issues in the family, job stuff, political bullshit and having had a really bad cold the past two weeks, I can't say I've really felt great about this year.
We had a plan of action, now that's just...dust in the wind. I keep saying once we get clear of this stuff, but it seems like this stuff is replaced by that stuff is replaced by more stuff. It's stupid. Whether intentional or even their fault, too, people are being antagonistic as hell, and that's driven me as close to the edge as I want to get.
I'm currently trying to recapture sanity with long showers, adult coloring books, alone time with stupid shows, and Two Dots. I'm also trying to regroup and get stuff going like I wanted to this year, which includes writing stuff.
To that end, this: 642 things to write about.
I don't know how often I'll do it, though I hope it will be "quite." Still, life has a way of keeping you at the hospital for hours when you don't expect it, so we'll just not commit to that which we can't be sure we can finish.
But we start with one foot in front of the other, and today, the little seed is this: Things that can happen in a second.
When I thought about it, my brain wanted "the most" that could happen in a second. What's the biggest thing that can happen in the space of only a second?
And here's what I wrote down:
A punch lands
The last one, I thought, doesn't fit.
But then, it does, doesn't it?
The thing about birth is the ultimate newness.
At 12:16:59 am on November 23rd, I wasn't. At 12:17:00...I was. And I continue to be. Being takes more than a second, but the truth is, all beginnings are marked by that newness.
One second ago, that kiss hadn't happened, and you were only friends.
One second ago, that bullet hadn't pierced that person's heart, and they weren't dead.
One second ago, nothing was unusual, but now it is.
Everything comes down to the second things change.
And when I thought of that, I felt scared and sad. Because one second from now, I could lose everything. One second from now, we could make mistakes that end our relationships, our lives, our safe place. Everything can just come apart, and that change can come in the next second.
But isn't it hopeful, too?
One second ago, all the hopes and dreams you had inside you for the thing growing in your belly for nine months were just hopes and dreams, and now, gasping for air and covered in blood and viscera, here's someone new, here's a blank slate ready for their own hopes and dreams and yours along with it.
One minute, you're sitting alone, the next you're with someone wonderful.
One second is important because things can change in just that split second blink.
It's important because just because things have been one way for 129,000 seconds, that doesn't mean 129,001 won't completely blow your mind.
Maybe all 5,184,000 seconds of these past two months have been one way, but...that doesn't mean that this next part can't be different.
It's 1,486,000 seconds til vacation. Or it was. I just need to watch that tick away and believe that I can keep going through it.
Friday, February 3, 2017
Ok, no I won't, cuz it's late and this is important.
Also, you need to scrollify. A lot. It's pic heavy here in these parts.
I needed this tonight. Thank you, Facebook, for doing something right for once and reminding me it's National Friend Day. Or whatever. Anyway, thanks, cuz wow.
These are just a HANDFUL of the people in my life that make me so, so happy. They're the ones I can count on, laugh with, cry with, and who have shaped who I am with their guidance. We've learned through each other's mistakes, grown up together in many cases, and in some others, worked together or played together or internetted and found that we all were very much supposed to be together as friends.
These are the people who showed up to my birthday when I announced the same day I was gonna go to dinner and 25 people showed up (NMers, I love you for that. I wasn't gonna do anything at all and suddenly it was a huge party)
The ones I crashed with, took trips with, learned and grew with.
I am so so infinitely lucky.
I can't even fit all of you in this post. I literally can't, I'm breaking the photo thing.
Just know I love you. Know I appreciate you. Know that I am damn sure our paths will cross again as long as your door is open. Know you're loved, because you are. All of you.
Thank you for making my life the silly, happy, amazing, diverse place it is. Thank you for reminding me that it is when I forget (like you Joey, just yesterday)
Thank you so, so much.
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
It's January 2017, I hear.
Herein I usually say something about how often I'll post or what I want out of the new year.
Right now though, before I do any other sort of posting, I need to speak my piece.
On Inauguration Day, I just posted this: "The emperor has no clothes."
But there's more that I need to say.
I don't like going political, but I also really, really don't like censorship and lies. I couldn't help but post at least something on social media, even though I'd sworn it off for the day, because this is too much.
In my little circle of the world growing up, we hadn't yet stopped using "retarded" as an insult, and as kids, would throw it around quite a lot. Also as kids, though I am not proud of it, we'd throw around a gesture that meant the same thing. As kids. And even though we were kids, we knew what it meant, and that it wasn't a nice thing to do.
When I was learning to write, I remember people saying you could just...talk around a subject and still get an A on your paper. Degree in BS and such. You just act like you know what you're talking about, pepper in some vocabulary, maybe make a point or two and you're done. But even the teachers in our 'imperiled, ghetto' school district (where there were actually some really amazing educators) were able to call you on your bullshit so fast your head would spin.
"You're not talking about anything at all here."
"You can't just throw vocab words in and expect that to work"
"I can't find a single point in this."
We were also taught history. The Great Depression, internment camps. The Red Scare. Remember the Red Scare? You know, where people were out hunting commies? The Cold War when Russia was the big bad? Every TV and movie ever for YEARS with completely cartoonish Russian bad guys?
Remember when Bill Clinton almost got impeached for "not having sexual relations with that woman?" And the outrage because he was lying, even if it was "just" about his personal life?
Remember, people I grew up in church with, 2 Thessalonians 2: 3-5. About the man of lawlessness that is supposedly coming?
"who opposes and exalts himself against every so-called god or object of worship, so that he takes his seat in the temple of God, proclaiming himself to be God."
And maybe that last one seems outlandish, but at the very least, can't you take it as a warning that people like that are bad news? Does it not fit the bill more than you're comfortable with?
Do you remember the last time millions of people, including those from other countries, gathered to protest the inauguration of a president or organized because they were certain they were about to lose their rights? Did you see that with Bush or ...well, Bush, or even back to Reagan?
And...if you see or know any of this...then...how are you NOT afraid of this administration, this presidency. How are you not afraid of the censorship of government agencies? How are you not afraid of the lies that can be demonstrably proven as such? How are you, God loving Christian, "God so loved the world" "the greatest of these is love" and watch someone incite violence and mock the disabled. How could you have been so disgusted that the president had an affair back in the 90s and not be disgusted or outright alarmed now. How can you have scolded your children for calling people retarded or using that gesture we ALL KNOW meant that and say he was just waving his hands in a random pattern? How can you let the now president and his cabinet go with "alternate facts?"
How can you post Facebook memes about how all of those people at the protests obviously didn't have jobs?
You know the march was on a SATURDAY, right?
It really, really upsets me.
I have a really hard time understanding how the people that taught me how to spot BS, chided me for lying and calling people names, taught me that love is always better than hate...are blindly following. How they don't get that this emperor has no clothes.
That whole "you don't want the pilot to crash the plane thing?"
Well, yeah. But he's not a pilot. He's a hijacker.
Part Two of this...
We ALL need to use our voices. We all need to stand up.
I've been strong before, but I don't feel like I am right now, to be honest. I feel like if anything, I've let bad things happen to me that I full well know better than to allow in my life.
But look. No one can step back and hide in the crowd now, I truly believe that.
So I'm not.
And you shouldn't either.
He's naked, guys. Full on naked.
Someone needs to say it.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
The curtains are drawn here, and though the leaves are finally turning and blanketing the ground in color...I'm not out there right now. I'm in here. It seems like a nice day out, but it doesn't feel nice. I'm all for people following their hearts and though I've struggled with some people's political leanings more this year than any year in the past, I'm not a "if you vote X then delete me" sort.
In any case, what's done is done, and now Donald Trump will be president.
Typing that feels exactly the opposite of how typing The Cubs win the World Series feels. That last sentence was this achievement, this "everyone together winning, we're really nice guys" kind of feeling. It felt like no one person could have gotten there without the other. It felt like Chicago kinda of unified to celebrate even if you were a Sox fan. It felt like we had a week full of just happy to float around and celebrate our favorite pasttime, knowing something else was looming in the background. When I said those words, when I typed that sentence, it didn't feel real because it was reaching this goal I didn't think we could reach (or they, more appropriately) and because I was so excited they had I wondered if I'd wake up and it'd be a dream.
Typing the other sentence, the one where Trump is president....that makes me feel afraid, genuinely. That makes me feel like the people around me, even those who I know as loving *to me and generous *to me and kind...well, it makes it seem like the world I know might be a dream.
I haven't said much and I feel the weight of that on me today. I haven't said much because I haven't healed from the last time I felt so fundamentally disconnected from everyone and everything around me, or like I didn't know the people I thought I knew. And it's hard to type what I'm going to but I will anyway. I used to worry that people that I went to church with as a kid would see me having a cocktail while out in the towns we all grew up in. I worried that if I decided to vote for Barack Obama because I believed in what he stood for, and I said that to certain people, that I'd be disowned or at the very least, considered "backslidden" or that it would somehow make me completely devoid of good and God. I worried that what I was seeing in some of my past that I didn't like and trying to get away from would also take away all the people I grew up with.
Taking away the people I grew up with, especially in the early years when it was just me and my mom, no siblings or father, is pretty consequential in my world. I didn't want to lose those father figures, those that had helped my family.
I felt like I had new eyes, seeing things I hadn't seen before. Fear as a tool, compassion as a lie, and casual disregard where there should be love. Once, I talked to Pete Holmes, a comedian who grew up very similiarly to how I did, about it. The thing he said helped guide me through that storm. He said that he liked to think of religion and everything we were raised with as a room with a bunch of furniture in it. "You get to choose what you keep in it" he explained. "You could empty it completely, close the door and never come back, or you can decide what's worthwhile and needs to be held on to."
So I tried rebuilding.
That was that first time. This feels like a second. I'm afraid to figure that out again. I'm afraid to clean out another room, this time one that represents the country I know. Thing is, I didn't realize how much fear won here. I didn't realize how much misinformation reigned. I mean, I was aware things were bad, but this is like the closet you open and stuff just keeps pouring out.
In fact, I feel like there was no win/lose this time. It was all lose.
This was the worst I feared, because of open vitriol and hatred, but I think I'd have been afraid either way. I'm worried that the changes about to be wrought are going to grind things to a halt. I'm worried that my friends that I love, whether immigrants, lgbtq or not, are going to be in a bad place. I'm worried for nieces and nephews and brothers in law who have to follow the orders of someone who engages in twitter wars who now has the position to start real ones.
This has been...what....700 words on fear and disjointedness and not belonging and figuring things out?
But that picture is what I'm holding on to today. I found that at the Field Museum's Tattoo exhibit, and it really, really spoke to me. This is a tattooed woman from 1928. Every bit the 20s look, every bit the pin-curled, perfectly painted lipped beauty, but covered in courage. Her lace is permanent. I'm sure she faced unkind words, maybe alienation. Maybe she was considered undateable or too dangerous or a woman of loose morals because she looked like that. Maybe she lost friends, who didn't want to be seen with her.
But look at that smile. Look at that confidence. Look at that beauty, because it comes from a bold woman who knows that she is what and who she is, and that she isn't about to hide that or be someone else because it's what would make the least trouble. She's not staying inside or wearing long pants and long sleeves.
And that's what everyone needs to do. After we process this today, maybe stay in our jammies and wonder what the world will be like, we stop wondering and we make it full of love. I may not agree with who you voted for, but anger and hate isn't going to get us anywhere good. Instead of saying I told you so, instead of wishing for something else, I'm going to be one of those that picks up the torch and keeps working towards a better world, because the world doesn't owe me one, I owe it one.
For those afraid, I understand.
For those celebrating because they wanted something drastically different and feel they got it...well, I hope, genuinely, it turns out well for the country, though I see it very differently.
For those who feel endangered- I will stand by you. I am your friend and I love you. You are valuable. Your uniqueness and your perspectives matter.
I won't stay inside.
I won't cover up.
I won't feel afraid to write the truth no matter where it gets me.
I will be more unafraid, because that's what this moment calls for.
And I'm afraid of it, but getting past fear is the first step towards anything good, I think.