It's time for a new year. I haven't been around this blog since July. Normally I'd go on and on about how guilty I felt about it and blah blah self care etc. I'm not going to do that, because this time, I didn't feel ANYTHING about having not done it.
And that, my friends and family and whoever else falls on these words--is no bueno. That's scary. I didn't miss it, even though I love writing. It's because, especially in these last 3 months, I let negativity rule my life. We started October with a trip to the hospital for my FIl that turned into a really long stay that turned into a bunch of aftercare. In November, after that died down, me and the hubs got sick. I went to Minnesota for my birthday and to see my grandma before it got super snowy, which was awesome, but I came back and the hubs was sick, and we were both "recovering" for our birthday celebration plans for me together at Chicago TARDIS, but have not actually managed healthy since then, at least not for long. It's some sort of upper respiratory virus thing happening and it will NOT LET GO. In fact, the hubs has had it bad for two weeks now, and I've been mostly ok with a side of malaise, but in the past two days I've been pretty sick, which makes sense since I have to work on NYE. Great.
Even before that, and if you go back to my last post here though, things weren't okay. I didn't feel like me, and I didn't know how to find me. I'm happy to say that some of that is coming back, but it's also what prompts this post.
People say New Year's resolutions are stupid, blah blah blah, if you wanted to change you wouldn't need to wait til the 1st, and I agree. BUT if you wanted to change you could change on the first, dammit! And it's not like the 1st is what matters anyway-it's every step after.
Anyway, I've got a resolution, and it's because I need one badly--whether it was May 27th or right now, December 31st.
I need to flip it.
I've been an asshole, for one. I've neglected responsibilities I had, I've been a bad steward of things I was supposed to be watching over, and when people have made me angry, I've been angry back. And ok, you can say I was depressed and sick and stressed and there were other things going on--those are all good excuses, but I know, especially as we're all looking back, I could have done more. I've also been of the mindset at times that if you're an asshole to me, you're gonna get it back.
Well, I retire as the asshole.
As it occurred to me in the shower yesterday when I was trying to make my lungs do their thing so I could y'know, live, I need to flip it. I need to turn the bad habits, bad vibes and bad feelings from 2019 on their head--for the good of everyone--to be a better friend, wife, person, photographer, writer, editor and just...human.
I need to really, really focus on flipping it.
If someone's going to be the asshole to me, I want to be able to think beyond momentary anger at what's actually going on, and either come back intelligently and respecting myself and them, or disengaging respectfully.
I want to take the pain I felt being ghosted by people in 2018 and use it to fuel a return to the garden to tend for the friendships I've been bad at tending to.
I want to take the frustration of feeling totally unappreciated and turn it around to help the people around me feel appreciated and motivated--and if the water rises, won't all ships float?
I want to be a better support system for friends and family instead of lamenting that I feel unsupported. Y'know, be the change and all that.
A harder thing on this list is something that came out of our holiday party. I want to stop letting myself be the only potato in the world.
I work as a photographer--it's my job to catch people at their best as performers. I take tons of frames of each person's performances and go through each one. Every one of those people are beautiful. Every one of those people pulls faces sometimes though, too, or stands weird, or doesn't have a "perfect" anything...but oh my god, what I've learned as a photographer is that both sexy and beautiful are FROM THE INSIDE.
You've gotta feel it, and be confident in it, to actually be able to convey it. You've gotta be out there doing you, not thinking of the technicalities or negativity, and if that's happening, I guarantee you're at your prettiest.
Now see, I have to make that my thing.
Because, despite having said it, and having felt it even, I didn't even post my wedding photos online. I have major body issues. I need positivity. I need to stop hiding. I need to remember, as I said to a friend, "No one is a potato." I guarantee I could get a shot of everyone looking beautiful. It' s about happy and confident and secure, and I need to get those things.
That means I need to dress-for ME. Makeup, for ME, and do me things for me--without neglecting the people I love the most, because that reflects me too.
I need to take the things I do and love and reignite my passion for them.
And I need to post my damn wedding pictures. Because it was the best day of my life, my dress was gorgeous, and I felt beautiful.
You hold me to this.
I want to be BACK in 2020, above all.
Flip it.
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