Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Where words fail, music speaks

I'm just going to let music speak, then, because my heart is full of all kinds of worries and thoughts, but I don't have the right words.

Don't you know that I'll be around to guide you
Through your weakest moments to leave them behind you
Returning nightmares only shadows
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright for now

Crosses all over, heavy on your shoulders
The sirens inside you waiting to step forward
Disturbing silence darkens you sight
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright for now

Crosses all over the boulevard
Crosses all over the boulevard
Crosses all over the boulevard
Crosses all over the boulevard

The streets outside your window overflooded
People staring, they know you've been broken
Repeatedly reminded by the looks on their faces
Ignore them tonight and you'll be alright
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright

I want to be wild and bold enough to run with you , my baby
I want to skip time lay the hours aside and stay with you , my baby

But oh if I look down now , will I fall
And what if the water's cold , when I fall

I want to be still and quietly say , I'll lay with you my baby
I wish I were brave and sure today to pray that it's you my baby

But oh if I look down now , tell me will I fall
And what if the water's cold , when I fall

Oh oh if I look down now , tell me will I fall
And what if the water's cold , when I fall

Oh oh if I look down now , tell me will I fall
And what if the water's cold , cold when I fall

When I fall , when I fall

Sunday, May 27, 2012

In honor of honesty

Truth is right now, I'm conflicted.  The things I see around me make me want to make things ok with certain people because it's so easy to see how quickly the time you thought you had becomes the time you wish you had.

So I want to fix things with certain people. I want to get closer, get rid of the walls.

But the truth is, too... maybe you just find family where you can, and love.  Because you can't ever fix things in any kind of relationship by yourself.  It won't work no matter how hard you beat your head against the wall or how much you bleed.  In the end, you're one half of an equation.  The point of a relationship is in realizing you need other people, because you can't do everything on your own, and you won't always be strong, and you aren't good at everything, and most importantly, you need love too, in all its forms.  No man is an island and all that jazz.

I guess tonight I wonder...
I know people out there love me.  I know that I feel as though I have relationships that stand the test of time, that have survived the fire and come out better for it.   I know that there's friendships rekindled that come from years back and somehow the closeness remains.  I'm lucky to have love in all those forms.  So maybe, even when it is family, there's just a time to go "ok. I give up."

My heart feels like that's something that should never be, but I don't know what else to do.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Turtle Power?

Does this turtle look horribly awkward?

Well, that's probably because he's good with words. Not like, on-a-page words...actual words.  Or hell, maybe he's even just good at saying what he thinks, on a page, on a screen, or on a...plane?  Maybe he likes green eggs and ham.  I don't know.

Tonight, I'm frustrated. I'm stressed out, and I'm worried.  All day at work I was trying to juggle the demands in my personal life which had to be taken care of, with regards to court, the state of IL and the accident...and the workload which has gotten hellish and complicated with a major recent development for us....and today just seemed like International Yell at Mariel Day on the phones.  And here's the thing.  My job IS to get yelled at, essentially.  I mean, I handle escalated issues. And that's fine, but it's harder to take when your sanity is already being pressed.  Somewhere in the back of my mind there's a medical issue I want to check out, and a surprise payment came through that wasn't supposed to, so the bank account has been somewhat of a stressor.  This week started badly and has kinda just built up.  Deaths, train accidents, chasing documents around and filing papers, and just..insane and confusing work issues.  I have been hanging on by a thread.

I say all that to say...I top off the sundae sometimes with a big stinkin' idiot cherry on top.
In an attempt to keep behind my safe little walls, sometimes I just...catapult a lot of words that aren't what I want to say into the universe. 

The truest things seem hardest to say, so I spout paragraphs of awkward.  Sentences that disagree with each other instead of simple turns of phrase like "I feel...lonely/stressed out/afraid and could use a friend"  or "I miss you" or "I hope you know I am there for you" turn into " so...i'm really sorry i exist and...uh like, probably don't want to....but like...."  and it

This is my reverse superpower. I think maybe a regular spider needs to bite me and take it away?
Would that work?

I guess my thought for this post is: don't be like me.  Say the truer things, take the risk of looking like you might need someone or that you might miss someone.  Because you will otherwise be...a very very awkward turtle.

Monday, May 21, 2012


"Remember tonight...for it is the beginning of always."- Dante

"I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'"- Kurt Vonnegut

It's almost a standalone, were it not for the thoughts I need to get out of my head tonight.
Tonight my thoughts are centered around life and death, because death has made an appearance in the circles I travel in.  

Just this morning I found out that someone who was a big part of my formative years lost her husband suddenly.  She was a teacher of mine in grade school, and since I went to a small grade school, and since there were amazing teachers was more of a relationship approach to teaching. She is a wonderful loving woman who had a wonderful, loving husband.  

Even as this was happening to her she had a lesson.  To pay attention to the small moments, and to appreciate the people you love without waiting for a good reason to do it.   

Death sucks. That's the understatement of all time, I'd bet money on it.  When it comes swiftly or when it drags its feet.  You either have to deal with the sudden absence and get the wind knocked out of you with finality, or you have to face that finality day by day, in crawling slow motion, suffering. 

And that sounds...fatalistic, if it's not in bad form to use a sort of pun in a post like this...

And it is.  

But I think once in a while it's good to be reminded about mortality, even though it never stops being scary.  Because I think it's really, really important to try to remember tonight, and to try to hold on to the good things, even if they're small and momentary.   

I think it's important, when you get a chance...when you MAKE a tell people you love that you love them.  It's important in the face of death and it's important on a normal day...but if anything at all comes of bad things like this...I hope it's that people are reminded of who they love and who loves them.  It's a world of pain I don't wish on anyone, but the light that comes out of that can be pretty powerful, too. 

Sometimes I think I always grew up with that urgency, because I never got those moments, and I never got that relationship.  I know absolutely and unequivocally I was loved but I never got to say it back.  It was a gift, and I'm grateful to have that, because that isn't something everyone gets.  It's a gift wrapped in grief and pain, but I think it's something that's taught me the lesson that got reinforced today my whole life.   

There are no guarantees. There will be pain.  But there's also love.
And if that isn't nice, I don't know what is.

Saturday, May 19, 2012


I saw this in the halls of my old high school yesterday.  My first reaction to it was to laugh.
But last night when I was driving home the long way, letting wind and music sort out my thoughts the way I've done since the very first time I had my own car...I thought about it a little harder.

Failure sucks. Failure can hurt. But it's not unacceptable.
One of the simplest truths I've taken to heart comes from the Magic School Bus, believe it or not.
Miss Frizzle always said "Make mistakes, get messy!"

It might be strange to take your advice from a fictional teacher who drives a magical bus and has a pet lizard.  Ok, it probably is strange.

But failure, as the Mythbusters say, is always an option. (I'm full of TV quotes today, go fig)

Failure is not unacceptable.  Failure is a chance to learn about yourself, about surviving, and it's a chance to find a different way.

I admit, just like most people, I have "Failure is Unacceptable" ingrained in my brain.  I want to succeed, and it's obviously something to try for as hard as you can...

But I think it's damaging to be afraid to fail.  To you and to others.

I failed at trust. I had my reasons...namely that the first person I put my trust in was for years taking full advantage of that trust and doing whatever he wanted. So I started to believe that everyone was like that, and I failed at trust. I expected excuses, and I expected to be left behind. It hurt me and it hurt the people thereafter who WERE deserving of that trust. It made me frenetic and anxious and sometimes overbearing. But if I wouldn't have failed at trust, and I wouldn't have recognized those patterns,  I wouldn't have learned how to be still and believe in someone quietly. 

If I'd never failed at love, I wouldn't have learned in a more clear way what love is and what it means. I would never have learned to believe in love at first sight, and I never would have felt the ache in your jaw to just be with someone.  I wouldn't have learned what it was like to fight with someone and then talk through it and go home and watch a movie,  and that was so important for me.  I still remember a particularly passionate fight in which I lobbed shoes, though I never thought I'd be that person.  And I remember, as mad as I was, that about 20 minutes later, I thought better of it, and realized not being together was more of a punishment.  And shortly thereafter...the hug I'd been wanting even as I was yelling at the top of my lungs.   I wouldn't have learned that there's a kind of love that waits.  That bottles itself up, but that sometimes can't help but come out, even if it's a goodbye.   And beyond that?  I wouldn't have learned about love you weren't looking for, and love in the trenches.  Love when it's not convenient, and what real selfless love is- which is downright ugly, hard and scary sometimes.  It's not pretending to be a martyr, it's not 50/50...when it comes down to the bottom of the scariest trenches, as someone told me "Sometimes it's 90/10. Sometimes it's 99/1. And you won't be good at that." I'm in awe at how much failing at love will teach you about it.  I learned that being loved for someone you aren't will never make you happy.  I've learned about passionate love that you can't explain, but it comes out of your pores and can just be seen.  I've learned that above all you have to be able to be you, and stand up for yourself if you have to, even if you're afraid it will make someone walk away.  I've learned that it's not just about sticking by someone literally, and sitting at their side, but also knowing that sometimes you will need to love quietly, from a distance. Sometimes you will need to not be there physically and learn to trust that they know somehow that you're there anyway.

If I'd never failed at jobs, I'd never have learned more about what my strengths and weaknesses are, and I'd never have gone the places I'd went.

If I'd never failed on one of my biggest dreams-living out West, and come back here...well, I wouldn't have learned how to keep fighting, how to tear down my walls, and how to start over...all things I'm trying very hard to do now...

When I saw this, I felt like, as much as it was in my power to say so, I ought to say...if you think you failed, don't give up.  Because it's what you do next that matters.

I may not be where I thought I'd be. I'm not at all.  I may have scars and I might be afraid of things I was never afraid of before.  For as many things as I've overcome I may be failing in some other ways.

But one thing I did figure out? All you can do is keep going.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Fly Away From Here

Today, through a series of unfortunate events, I ended up back at high school.  It was a strange feeling.  The halls seemed familiar, but alien.  I remembered all the times I'd been there before, but it all looked smaller.

I didn't have the typical high school experience, I think, because I did.  If that doesn't make any sense, I'll explain.  I came from a tiny Christian school to a public high school with no in-between.  I went from 13 in my whole grade to...tons more.   At first, maybe the first 2 weeks, I absolutely hated it.  I was in major culture shock, and I just felt overwhelmed. 

In reality was amazing.  For the first time I had some choice in what I learned.  There were all sorts of different groups of people, not just one clique you were in or out of.  I had acquired a large group of friends at once when I joined band, and I'd had 2 weeks before school to get to know them, so that the very first day, I had a loud, silly table of new friends to sit with.

I didn't know I wanted those things.  And everything I'd imagined high school would be it was, as silly as that seems.  I got asked out by a boy I liked at the end of gym class.  I went to pep rallies and games, I was the mascot for homecoming...I wore my boyfriend's letterman jacket, and he picked me up after classes and carried my books.  I got asked to homecoming in a note that was delivered in my creative writing class. I helped build the floats for homecoming and went on class trips.  I had a horrible rumor started about me. I cried on my prom night, even though I had fun for most of it.  I ditched class and got lunch out, and I was the person to get a ride home with when I first got my Jeep.

I had teachers that taught me full on life lessons that I carry with me today-who told me what my potential was and didn't let me fall short of it because I was too lazy that day.  I made friends that I'm proud to say I still have today.

I know a lot of people that hate high school, and I admit my own dread at walking back down those halls.  And it was strange, and familiar in an unfamiliar way.  It made me think about where I'd been and where I was, and the people and places that changed me.

I remembered how important that test seemed, or that rumor.  That guy...those mean girls...and how silly and small it all seems now, when you've been through life and death situations, loved and lost a little, and travelled forward like we all do.

Maybe the reason it's weird to go back is because there's so much you're just learning there, and going back shows you what you took away from it, and gives you a look into what remains of that person who was just trying to figure out not being a kid anymore.  I felt like half of me wanted to roam every last corridor and remember, and part of me really didn't want to be there.

It's strange to find yourself in a time machine, but one thing I can say is, it's an interesting look into who you've become and who you were.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Back burn

Still here.
Still writing and taking pictures.  I haven't really met my goals, and I'm disappointed, but I think the best thing to do at this point is to keep going.
There was a lot of extenuating, and as much as I would like to say that it's all daisies and roses, it's just not been.

Between the accident and some family stuff I can't get into here...I'm trying to keep positive. Nights like tonight, out with my best friend at the movies, laughing and passing candy back and forth...definitely make all the difference.   That 48 hour slice of awesome?  I couldn't ask for more than that.

The thing is, shadows of words that were said are proving hard to chase out.  I lost the confidence I was gaining that things could get better.  I lost the light at the end of the tunnel a little.
One step forward two steps back, in a lot of ways.

I don't feel I've gotten anywhere with the family issues, and I'm starting to think I just may never make progress there, because you can't make progress in any relationship all on your own. That makes me sad, because it was never something I expected.

And let's be honest. I am having a hard time with the car thing.  Not just because I loved the Jeep and all the sentimental attachments, but just...the loss of freedom. The reliance I have to have now on everyone who isn't me.  Their whims and their moods.  The feeling that it's far from temporary. And people have been great so far about it, most people.  And there's the train.  I just...I can't go for a calming drive. I can't just go over to be with someone I want to be with. 

I don't know. I didn't start this out as a post to complain about things.  
The highs have been pretty high.  There's people in my life that...I could not be more grateful for, who have made the world go away.  There's people I'm getting closer to that I didn't expect to, and people I'm getting closer to that I always hoped I would.  There's been the absolute safety of not having to hide from someone, from being able to just be you, stupid jokes, awful hair, and good moods or bad.

I don't want to lose sight of that.

It's been a rough few weeks, and I'm more scared than I have been in a while that everything is going to get worse.  But I'm holding on with a little help from my friends. 
I think that's all we can hope for, is people to be there when we need them the most, even if we're too proud to say it.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Meant to be Broken

Well hi there.
So I spose it's clear I haven't been around the past two nights, because there wasn't anything posted. 
Little hiatus. Unplanned, but worth it. I don't intend to let the lack of doing things keep me from continuing. Might just stretch 21 to 23.

Sometimes opportunities come along and your calendar magically clears itself and you can find 48 hours of absolute awesome when you weren't even necessarily looking. Which is what happened to me.  Laughing and cooking and watching movies, shopping, drives, cool breezes and quiet outside the windows. 

I needed it. I'm still in awe of how everything can be so dark and you can still find some light in it. To me, that's really what the last 48 hours was.  I've got that hangover you get when you know that the best part of your week has just wrapped up.  I'm ok with that though.

Taking the advice of Kurt Vonnegut I'd just like to say "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

Monday, May 7, 2012

Here it is.

I'm angry. I'm sad, and I'm hurt. And I'm alone.
I'm in the kind of place you get in where you just want to burn everything down.
But I didn't run away. I didn't selfishly take advantage of a big heart and ignore that there's bigger things going on.  I didn't drink myself under the table (I stopped myself). 
I still kept up the promise I made to myself.

But what for, you know?
Tonight it doesn't really mean much to me.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Sometimes you wanna go..

Tonight was a Chicago night.
Tonight I didn't get my first choice or even my second, in some ways.

But I got out, and I did something I really wanted to do just because I wanted to do it.
I was already feeling cooped up and completely at the mercy of other people (I figured that wouldn't taken long with no car) and just getting out the front doors to head down to the train station in Libertyville felt good.

The walk along Wells did me some good, just clearing my head, getting me to areas of the city I hadn't been in a while...

Stopping into Adobo made me get out of my shell some, since the place was packed for Cinco De Mayo and there was nowhere to sit unless you sat at the bar. I met a really nice older lady and her son, chatted up the bartender and lamented the random bs that happens in life with a girl with a cool hat and a bad wifi connection.  Had some good tequila, some great sopes, and listened to a fantastic mariachi band.

I love that music. It's colorful and flamboyant and vibrant.  Then a patron of the restaurant asked if they knew a particular song, and he sang.  He had the most amazing voice...floated over the din of the busy place easily, and rang out wonderfully.  I just thought "man, I want to play with these guys" and start to think about all the other things I wanted to do.

Sometimes, even though you want to share things you love with people you love, you should just do them no matter what happens.
I grabbed a great friend, did some city exploring on my own, tried a new place for drinks (ended up getting a free drink from a great bartender too!) and then laughing my butt off at Second City seeing Kumail Nanjiani.  I even got to meet him and his wife afterwards and nerd a little about video games.  We then hit up a fancy French place for a nightcap and here I am now. 

All that to say this: do your own thing.  Stop worrying if people think you're weird or ditzy or too something or something else...why let someone tear you down for who you are? Wouldn't you rather be around people who just want to be with you with no caveats?

You're you.
Do you.

Because some of the best times you can have are when you strike out on your own and really just...have the kind of night you'd be home wishing you had if you'd talked yourself out of going alone.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Good evening.

Today's the first day I've felt almost entirely myself.  At least physically speaking.  I've got some pain but it's more of a nuisance now than anything else.

I admit my mood hasn't really changed for the better yet.  I'm feeling unsure of myself which makes me unsure of the people in my life which makes me feel bad about that on top of everything else.  I feel this sudden resolve to just get used to being alone because a bunch of people I'm used to being able to see are moving or leaving or whatnot and it's complicated with the people I do get to see on a normal basis.

I dunno.  I think it's just been a rough week and I haven't crawled out of the funk yet. 
I'm working on it. But even when trying to go out and do something I really wanted to do, I got unnaturally upset when it didn't work out the way I'd hoped it would with the people I'd hoped it would.

I ended up getting dinner with a friend I haven't seen in a while and having a good long friends talk that really helped me out, but 20 minutes after I was back in the door I kinda just felt sucky again.

I don't want my best friend to move to Seattle, a.  I'm afraid that her leaving will mean that some other people I mostly hang out with because of her will drop off too.  Then another of my friends is off to CO, and I've been trying to extricate myself from the jaws of what is probably a really unhealthy friendship and I'm starting to wonder what's left. I reconnected with a friend who's been out of the country and that was pretty cool, but she's about to go back to Africa.


I do ok with alone time, sometimes i crave it.  But...I dunno.  I just hate knowing i won't have a choice soon.

I hate being stranded too.  Can't just pick up and go to Target or Walgreens to grab something. Everything's a production, everything is begging off someone else.

I got good news today, but there's so much other shit attached to it I don't even feel it.
I just need...something
I don't know.

I want to get rid of it for a night. I want to feel safe with someone and loved. I want to escape into something good.
And I'm going to stop writing for now.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Two mugs...

Now that I think about it, this blog started off with two mugs.

Different, matching ones.  But two mugs either way.

And I think the reason was pretty much the same.  Last night I was not in a good place.  If you needed any proof of that, all you need to do is press the pretty little "Previous" button on the page.

But when I finally settled down, I saw these two mugs on my coffee table and I realized that I'd lost sight of something.

That morning, I wasn't sitting alone getting ready to go sell my car to a wrecker.   I wasn't taking a cab because I had to go out there early in the morning. I wasn't even checking my watch because I asked for 7 and got 6:59.

I was drinking coffee and watching the IT Crowd and forgetting about it for a little while.   And there might have been someone more fun to be with than someone who was really really attached to their car and who was sore and still kind of in shock about everything that changed in the course of a minute or so during a car crash, and worried about how much farther back she'd fall...but it's not always about easy.

Sometimes it's that you weren't alone for it.

All I can say is...two mugs... so much better than one.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

There's no fortune cookie inspirational message today.
Truthfully I'm miserable.
Not only am I in pain that got worse as promised, I am incredibly sad.
I feel like I keep having to explain myself and justify my feeling the way I do, and I'm sick of it.
I have bitched at the very people trying to help me, and I feel bad about it.
I've avoided talking to people.
For some reason people don't take me seriously when I say I'm in pain, either, and that pisses me off.  Yes, it is only whiplash and bruising, but it really hurts.  And it really hurts worse today than it did before.
I don't have anything good to say.
I am defensive and oversensitive and I do feel like crying for a good long while because I feel like some of the pressure would let off.
I'm nauseous and I'm crabby and I'm tired and I'm just....not ok. 
Give me that, ok?