Monday, April 30, 2012

In Pieces

So here I am. On the West Coast, it's still the same day, and since my heart's in New Mexico, I figure it counts.

I'm doing the best I can and keeping the promises I made to myself for these 21 days as best I can.  I'm not really supposed to do anything til Wednesday if I feel up to it physically, but I can still take care of 3/4 things, and that's what I intend to do.

In my frenzy trying to find my title for my Jeep, which I have to give up tomorrow...and I feel like that sentence shouldn't just pass by, but I don't want to get into it too much now either...

I found these little pieces of my life.   Started to think about what it represented.  Thought of it as a little archaeology. Maybe it's the accident and giving up the Jeep but I'm thinking about who I am and how I got to that point.  And what's good and what's bad. 

So I found these pieces. Things that hurt me.  Things I never thought I'd believe in.  Things I believed in I wish I didn't.  Parts of who I am.  Writer, musician, friend.  Places I've been.  Things I'm not always sure I want to remember. Parts of my lineage.  Good grades, weird pictures of myself, schools I've been to.  Am i a cat person or a dog person? What does it all mean?

You know? It all means nothing and everything all at once. All of it has shaped me, for better or worse. And all I have to do is to try and keep growing without letting go of the lessons all the pieces taught me.  And I have to look at the things that remind me of the love I've shared with people and hold on to them when things get tough.

Well...things are tough.  I'm holding on.  

There's probably more sense this could have made.  Truth be told...I'm sore, and I'm tired, and I am not looking forward to tomorrow but I also just want it to be over.  And I want a hug, despite the fact that that would probably hurt more than feel good right now.

But I think I'm gonna get an ice pack, turn on some noise, and try to sleep.
Like one of my oldest friends told me tonight when I sent her a reminder of just how long we'd stuck it out to make her smile....

We'll make it.
Bruises and all.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Don't Stop the World...

Though it'd be nice to get off for a while.
I don't have a picture today and I don't think I'll type long, we'll see what happens.

I have wonderful people in my life though.

Got in a car accident today on the way home from visiting my brother and my friends.

Hydroplaned into a solid steel horse trailer. 
Cut up and bruised from the seatbelts in a major way, and my shoulder is off the charts painful right now, but no ambulance/hospital...should be ok. Getting the shoulder checked out tomorrow.

The Jeep may not survive this just based on financials.  This makes me insanely sad.
I'm trying to not think about that part too much.  Liability seems like a good idea for old cars but in retrospect it seems unfortunate as hell now.

One thing I can say is that I am glad for the people in my life.  I couldn't get my mom because her phone happened to have been off at the time and I had a full rescue party, one that made everything better.  People that went above and beyond.   And it's been coming in from everywhere. Even the people not on the scene have had warm cups of cocoa and meds and ice packs and well wishes and kind words.

And that's the silver lining.
I didn't do my physical stuff today, and likely it will be kind of on hold for the next few days, but I think in this case, it's gonna have to be ok. At least til the doctor tells me different.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

It's Kind of A Short Story/ What Happens Next

Good evening. 
Pardon the whisky tinted post last night.
I only said I'd write. I didn't say it'd be compelling or untarnished.

Just like I only said I'd walk,
I didn't say I'd run for miles.
And some days I'd hobble.

(Just like I said I love you
But it doesn't mean I know how that works all the time
Or what to say or do, or that I'll ever always do it right...but that IS a long story, one you learn with everyone you love your whole life until it gets good enough, right?)

Today was spent with good friends, relaxing, shopping, eating, laughing and sharing things with.
Some of those friends I'm not quite ready to say goodbye to, nor will I ever be.  Some of those friends I hope to see more often than I see now.

I guess we wait and see what's next.
And we keep moving, because you can't just stop when it hurts. 

Friday, April 27, 2012

It's Kind of A Long Story

The things on my mind tonight are clouded by things I shouldn't have done and things I said I meant but I don't want to mean anymore. This thought's been haunting me...even though I thought it didn't matter...there's just something so sad about  missing someone you never thought you'd have to.

But looking at this picture...I remember I just want to be free. I just want to be loved openly and honestly, and I just want to lose the thought that everyone I love will leave.

On a different note?  I've done it. I've kept on.  Despite my cloudy head, I have held up all 4 goals.  I'm pretty happy about that.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Walk 1.61 Miles In My Brainshoes...

I just caught a glimpse of the one thing I forgot to do today...the poor sick sad aloe plant I keep meaning to rescue.  Whoops.   Nobody's perfect...and there's still time to save it and have it overtake another room in the house just like Audrey 2 did.  

I wasn't planning on writing this, or anything today, since I gave myself a day to be off the hook with the writing/picture thing, but I was feeling compelled to most of the walk back.  Just know that just as I did not use the crosswalk to save time and ended up wasting way more time waiting to cross somewhere ELSE, I have thrown theme/format/points out the window.  Starting with run-on sentences, and ending with prepositions that I'll be ending sentences...WITH!

I started walking today because I was hungry. Not metaphorically, surprisingly, since I do loves me some metaphors and generally like to juice the universe for succulent I doing it again?  And if so, am I implying the universe is an orange? 

ANYWAY...I had decided if I was going to treat myself to lunch outside the house, then myself was going to need to walk there.  I started out today a bit frustrated, having cursed vigorously at the Pilates lady who was clearly trying to make a fool out of me.  The problem with me sometimes is that I hit a point where I feel like I'm failing or about to fail and I figure it's better to cut my losses and try something else.  And this is why I am absolutely adamant about this 21 day thing.  Today was the first day I felt like "eh, it's never gonna happen, give it up."  For such a stupid reason, too.  1 of the 4 goals I'd set, I was having trouble with.  Simply because I *could* do Pilates much more easily when I did it....I dunno, 5 years ago?   Such.flawed.logic.

Shortly after I started off on my walk, the robot lady in my phone (not Siri, though...I spose she's the real robot lady in my phone) started yelling stats on my walk at me.  Including pace.  Every day I've improved my pace, even when I wasn't really trying to, like today.  And that's progress.  And...that put into perspective my pained hundreds this morning.  Though I maintain that I still don't like that lady.

Shortly thereafter, as girls are wont to do, I started analyzing my wardrobe choices for the day.  And I laughed a little because in my analytics, I realized these jeans have a nice drop of Tuscan yellow paint on them.  I remember saying that wouldn't happen, and furthermore that it would come out anyway.   It did and it didn't, of course.   But that matters less than you'd think.  The yellow paint turns out to remind me of good-in-the-bad.  The yellow paint was to make a tiny room that belongs to someone important to me now seem more cheerful.  I'm not entirely sure how effective that was, to be honest, but other good things came of it.  It cheers me up seeing the paint and remembering feeling like maybe it *would* make a difference, and if it did,  maybe I'd be a little part of that. It's a little bit "travelling pants" but I really don't care to get that yellow spot off.

My next thought was simple. "Sometimes I wish someone would come paint my room yellow."
For a minute I scolded myself for being bitter, but then I thought "At least I'm being honest." For as much as I haul off and take great expeditions to find people, sometimes I wish it was the other way around more.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the people closest to me have painted my room yellow through the years.  Whether that was at a Denny's to drag me out of my own depression, flying to New Mexico, or holding a tiny sign for me at the airport because I said I'd always wanted someone to do that for me.

By this time I was almost downtown, passing by the church with the red door.  I'm usually too distracted by the red door to really look inside.  There were big crystal-clear vases with daffodils and a few other flowers at every window.  One of the doors that wasn't usually open was wide open, and the sun was streaming through the windows on the other side.  It looked...really inviting.  For a minute I felt lucky to feel comfortable in churches, and I thought about going in.

I've always liked the big cathedrals, stained glass windows, cold creaky pews, and dusty streams of sunlight that pour in them.  I find I'd rather be in churches alone these days.  Because it's not about anything then, you know?

You can be there for any reason, believe in God or don't. 
But you can feel small and be still, and sometimes that's important.
Sometimes I think it's better just to sit still.  And maybe you don't believe in anything beyond this or maybe you do.  But I think everyone should take a chance and sit in silence.
Breathe and listen to the echoes,  feel a little dwarfed...let go of something.  Pretend for a minute you aren't in control of everything.

 Because you're not, and maybe sitting in the silence and trying to make peace with that is ok.

Sure, you don't need to be in a sanctuary for that, but there is something about it.  Just like there's something about the carved out place in a canyon at sunset...that far eclipses any array of stained glass I've ever run into.   Try it some time.  Try both.

I have and I'm better for it. A little better every day.
Tschussi machst gut!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Well, hey. :) Things are goin' ok with this daily commitment thing. I still drag my feet sometimes.  It was raining when I left for my walk and my friends were waiting for me, and I still went. And even though I was just going downtown and I've walked this walk a hundred times, I went.

And I enjoyed it, listening to my music, tucking my crazy paisley umbrella behind my head...
I even enjoyed chatting with the lady at the olive oil store.

Truth be told, I like small towns.  I like the history, like this old painted lady house that's been restored to its former glories. I like the gazebos and old cemeteries. I like the neighborhood bars and local shops, and seeing the same people involved in tons of things.

I didn't realize how much until I lived in Socorro.  That was a stereotypical small town.  It sounds awful to have the whole town know about everything, and sometimes you wish they'd just can it, but it was also the town that, when I was sad on my birthday and decided to go out anyway last minute...showed up.  24 people.  I could almost never get more than a handful of people I knew WAY longer to make time in their schedules for something like that back in IL.  I remember how much it changed my mood seeing person after person come in the door to eat dinner with me... don't think I'll ever forget that.

I like the feeling that people really care about people, even if it's too much sometimes and sometimes it's gossip. 

Today I was sitting on a couch in Round Lake giggling about the Frisbee lady and talking about when my friend found out she was pregnant, and being thankful for the family you have that you DID get to pick.

Remember that's what your close friends are, and remind them you love them too.
And that's my fortune cookie statement for the day.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Why This Picture Has a Story About It

Today I dressed up for work.  We had a meeting and I figured that I oughta dress for the job I want sometimes, though I spend most of my day alone in my cube listening to podcasts and typing letters to customers.  Either way, sometimes you need to put your best foot forward.

Then on lunch, I took a 1.8 mile walk in the general vicinity of our building.  And when I got back, I had a little time left, so I found a shady patch of grass along the little trail and decided to enjoy the return of the 70 degree weather.

And I wiggled my toes out of the shoes I was wearing and ran them through the soft, damp grass.  And I wondered if the ground was damp enough to give me a mudd butt.  Then I laughed can't prevent mudd butt when your butt's firmly planted on the ground already.  And I wiggled my toes again, and I took this picture.

Because I hope that I never worry so much about mudd butt that I won't ignore the benches for the shade of a little tree and a good patch of grass.  I hope I won't ever be in too fancy a suit or at too fancy a job to kick off my shoes and enjoy the sun.  Because that? That's who I really am.

I like to be outside. I like to smell the lilacs and smile at the dogs being walked and listen to music and laugh at myself when I inevitably trip on a piece of sidewalk because I'm not paying attention to where I'm going.

I want to be me in the face of everything.  I don't want to be the girl who has to make sure every hair is in place and every eyelash evenly coated in perfectly black mascara just to be seen with a guy.  I don't want to be the person who uses exacting language and corporate lingo and plays the office game the right way.  I don't want to be the person who doesn't call you for a few days because that's how the game is played and I can't always be available for you, and I don't want to be the girl who's never got her own thing going.  I don't want it to be a bad thing that I miss someone that just a year ago I couldn't see hardly ever if I don't see them for a few days.   I don't want it to make me a bad person that sometimes I get sad because there's someone in my life that I never thought I would have to miss that I still do.   I want it to be ok if my heart is still broken and I'm still confused sometimes.  I want it to be ok that sometimes I'm not ok.  And I want it to be known that I try.  I love deeply, I let down my guard, and I put those same walls back up sometimes when I feel threatened.

I want it to be well known that I can wear that black dress and put every hair in its place but sometimes I just want to be there next to someone in my Tigger boxers, my grossly oversized Up shirt with a big mug of milk and some cookies and zone out watching something useless.  I want to laugh at myself when I sing Gloria Estefan and I want to sing it whenever I want and not care who's watching.

And that's a little me and a little all of you, accepting me as I am.

But I want to be barefoot in suit pants and make it work.

Monday, April 23, 2012

21 Days...

 So Today is Day 21.  I'm counting down because it helps motivate me more.

Day 21 of what, you ask?  Well...rumor has it it takes 3 weeks, or 21 days, to establish a new habit.  I was thinking about this the other day when talking to someone about my hours being cut at work and how I was feeling bad about it because I was feeling...non-productive. I'm not doing enough. 

I don't want to feel like that.  And I don't have to.  If I'm not working as much, that's one thing.  I can't control that.  But it does mean I have more time for other things.  I know a large chunk of this could go towards some of the things that have been taking up most of my time lately, and I'm grateful to have that time to give.

But I don't want to stop there. I want to take 21 days and do a little Mind/Body thing.  Namely: I want to make sure I take time to exercise both every day.   So this afternoon I took a 1.74 mile walk on lunch (in case I was busy after work, which worked out because after work I was randomly feeling really nauseous)

And tonight? Well, I'm writing.  My goals are to make sure I make time to take care of my skin/body and to write/photograph every day for the next 21 days.  I don't want to give this up halfway.  I don't want to half-ass it either. I need to do this to prove to myself I can.  And 4 things at once may seem like a lot, but it's really not so much.

I decided it doesn't have to be something giant every day, and on Thursdays I give myself a pass on writing if need be since my mind will be working on music for quite a while Thursday nights...but it needs to be all.21.days.  

I need the change, I need to make time in my life for things like this.   And occasionally, I need to overachieve and make chocolate chip cookies, exercising my cooking/baking passion.

Here's to Day 20 around the bend!
Drool if you must, just don't short your keyboards. :P