(Parenthetical Opening Statement: Kick my butt for not just posting when I have the desire to write. Because...someone needs to. If only me when I read this)
So here I am in Illinois. Another year older, and sometimes when I look at things, it seems that nothing's really turned out. For all I thought it would get me to be here, it's the holiday season and I am yet again looking for work. It's a rough time of year for a lot of people, and at the same time we all want to feel warm and cozy and loved. I was curled up on the couch last night watching a Muppet special BEGGING for it to snow and attempting not to tear up when the little girl in the special just wanted the people she loved to be with her for Christmas. Some of the people I love are here, but some....I would give anything to have them around to spend the holidays with. People who can change my entire day with a few words, and who turn my world upside down in good ways when they're around.
There's something about the first snow. The way the air smells...the different sort of chill in the air...
I look forward to it so much. I thought I smelled it in the air early this morning on my walk to a friend's house.
I watched the clouds gather some this afternoon while I was eating dinner with a friend and kept hoping. It's December 1st, and in my book, it's past due. My heart is in the desert, of course, but the Midwesterner in me demands that if we have to endure the harsh winters and negative temperatures, we should at least get consistent blankets of snow. It just changes things. Where I live it gives all the old buildings the look of Christmas villages, and the forests that insane pristine white sparkle.
I had a dress rehearsal tonight for our holiday concert with the Wind Ensemble, and now, post-Thanksgiving, I was ready for full on Christmas. Dress rehearsals are always hard work, always longer hours, but fun. They're also usually right in the midst of a storm. I don't know why, but it's happened for years now. For 2 hours I played things like Sleigh Ride, Greensleeves, and the like and hoped soon it would look a bit like things were sounding.
And when I stepped outside? It did. I know it doesn't make all that much sense, but it really felt like a gift to me. My mood always improves when I'm playing music, so I had a good start, but getting outside and being greeted by a good steady-falling snow? It transformed my mood. The real deal. Snow on my eyelashes, my hair, on my coat...suddenly everything just felt better. I felt like a kid, and nothing else mattered. Not plowing, not the roads on the way home, not anything. Just the feeling of witnessing the first snow. A few of the ensemble members actually cheered, and I joined in. There's something that feels almost sacred about it, maybe just the arrival of a new season, maybe the way the world seems a bit quieter when the snow starts falling.
But in a month when a lot of things can get you down...distance, money, loss...
It's the little things that aren't so little anymore.
My "dad" told me that tonight. That even if it doesn't make sense, and even if it seems silly...the people that love you, if they had the power, would make it snow just for you, just to see you smile.
And no matter what you believe or who you are...
I hope one of these nights you feel like it's snowing just because you hoped it would. And when it happens, I hope you feel a little loved, whether it's silly or not.