Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Half speed.

So I've been on another hiatus.  I think I ought to write more often, to be honest. I've always known it's what clears things out of my head, but sometimes I just want to keep those things close to my chest.   Right now I'm feeling that least half that way.

I feel like if I *don't* get this post out of the way, I can't write about the road trip and helping my best friend move to Seattle.   So I want to write.

But I know what I'm going to need to write to get to that, and I guess I feel really guarded right now.

I mentioned to someone who proceeded to completely ignore it the way you can know something's getting in your head and causing you to feel a certain way...and that even when you can pick it out, what's doing it, and you can intellectually know it's the cause...sometimes that's not enough to get it out of your head.

I guess that's what I am going through right now.

The night I got back from the trip I had a series of bad dreams that reinforced what I already knew.  That my world here got a little bit smaller, and that when that happens...I retreat.  I make it worse because I take it to heart whether I try to or not, and I figure it's easier to just muddle through any sadness and weird thoughts on my own. I start to create trouble where there isn't any, and I get reckless.  I want so badly to run to someone I care about but it's also the last place I'll let myself go.

Well...I'm going to try to change that. I'm going to try to trust.  I feel like if I don't this time, I'll really be lost.
All those dreams I had that night? Were about the people closest to me suddenly booting me out.  It's pretty clear that I'm doing the booting in my own head, and I need to stop it.

So there. That's my "intimate chat with me" that I'm spilling onto some blog page somewhere.

Now on to trip photos and stories from the road.  Can you dig it?

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