This is my toe when it's angry. Scary, is it not? It's also what I do when I have Sharpies and a lot of free time. In fact, this was something I did to attempt to cheer up a friend. Sometimes I find being extremely, utterly weird throws people off enough to make them smile when they're not feeling great. Plus...truth be told, I enjoy being extremely, utterly weird sometimes.
I thought of this picture tonight because I needed a little cheering up, and I needed to remember who I am a little, and who I want to be able to be.
A long time ago, a good friend of mine cornered me, so to speak, and asked me why I felt like I always had to prove myself. It took me by surprise because I didn't see it in myself, and I didn't know anyone else could either. It's been a turning point since then, though sometimes I've made slow progress.
I didn't used to like my name when I was little, because it was weird. I didn't tell people my middle name because it was still weirder. (It's a public blog so no, I'm not putting it here either, but it's for security reasons). One day in a cemetery visiting the grave of someone I loved very much, I realized how special it is, and how powerful. Now if I don't share it with the world it's not due to shame or awkwardness, it's because it's a precious precious gift I want to protect.
We all figure out who we are as we go along. That's how it's supposed to be, I think. But I also believe that the people that really love you accept you for who you are, weird angry toes and all. And I won't prove myself to anyone anymore. From stranger on the street to family, say what you will. You don't like the way I dress? You don't like the dress size? You don't like who I'm voting for? Well, that's fine. You don't have to, but I don't have to apologize either.
I prefer Macs, though I know they're too expensive, and though I use a PC (which i also like, and does more for the money. hey folks, it's POSSIBLE) I like to play video games with people socially, though I'm not a hard core gamer. I think organized religion has a lot wrong with it. I doodle constantly, and I ADORE editing anything and everything I can for grammar, punctuation and especially spelling, even though I am guilty of abusing the English language for fun sometimes, and I make up words, and I write run-on sentences when I think the situation calls for it. I have a weird obsession with nail polish lately. I like to buy magazines, and I think it's a compulsion. I'm a dork about cooking, photography, writing, and music. I don't care if they're the popular interest and if everyone else or no one else is interested in those things, they're things I love to do and want to get great at. I talk to my cat when I'm in the shower, and she meows back at me. I ADORE puns, to a fault. I like absurd humor. I'm a treehugging hippie nature freak, and if you let me loose near water, I will be IN it without hesitation 9 out of 12 months of the year. I love to drive, and I don't drive home the same way every day because I can't stand that, gas mileage be damned. I eat pickles and then drink milk. I love travel, but I freak out the night before I leave on any trip and insist I don't want to go, no matter how badly I actually DO want to go. I seem openhearted, but I build some killer walls around my heart and I clam up like...a clam of steel sometimes. (that's...weird....too...)
I watch America's Next Top Model no matter how much worse it gets every season, or how much Tyra scares me sometimes. I can recite Princess Bride from start to finish but I've probably not seen a bunch of movies everyone else has. Or so I'm told ;). If you give me a blanket when I'm watching a movie, chances are I will check out in about half an hour, but I also LOVE blankets. I don't really have much of a sweet tooth, unless you're holding gummis, KitKats or Tootsie Rolls....but I'd give up candy altogether for flowers, because I love them so much more.
I snore ever since I moved back to IL from NM, and it pisses me off. I'm allergic to almost anything airborne, and some things that aren't. I will eat all your strawberries with no remorse. I sleepwalk and sleeptalk, though rarely anymore. I HATE mornings, and you probably shouldn't try talking to me for the first two hours of my day, and especially don't expect me to remember anything first thing in the morning. I like to intentionally mispronounce things and read signs on the side of the road, especially if the light is out so it's not Dun Don's or Fo Eyes. Or Barnes and Noble Boosellers.
I'm bad at confrontation, and I don't always speak up when I should. Sometimes, my feet smell really, really bad.
I believe in silliness, and I don't think it's something you should outgrow.
I love who I love how I love them, and it's nobody's decision but my own who I choose, and nobody's right to judge. I don't ask you to love all the people I do or even like them, all I ask is you respect my decision to do so.
I am me. I'm good with it, smelly feet, run-on sentences, milk and pickles and all.
And that has to be enough.
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