Revisit

Tonight I'm not doing ok.

I'll start there. Then you'll understand why when I look at this same thing tonight, I think maybe she doesn't see the storm, or maybe she does and she just wants to imagine it away, and she's minutes from being swept away by the storm surge.

I think she is malevolent and angry, and it's not a calm blue sea, it's absolute isolation- nothing and no one to hold on to.

I think the color is draining from her face, not reflecting from some light source.

Tonight the blue lips are frozen and wordless- she'll never say the things she wants to say, out of fear, because when you're already hurting the last thing you want is to open yourself up to get hurt some more.

Tonight she's tossing everything good in the ocean and walking away, foolishly, because it seems easier than trying to find its place.

Tonight I'm hiding in analogies because I feel alone, upset and like I'm shouting into the wind and nobody can hear me.

Tonight I don't want to sleep it off because I'm afraid of what I'd dream.

See what I mean about art?
I wish I wasn't so angry tonight.

Behind

This is the sea witch...or maybe just a girl someone knew once.  She hangs above my bed now, an incredibly generous gift from the artist, who is a friend of mine.  The first time I saw it something in it clicked with me. He remembered that, and one day he told me he wanted me to have it.

The thing I love about art and music is how it reads into you.  I love to see how it affects people, and what they see when they look at it, because it tells you something about who they are, and you get a glimpse into how they see the world. I love to look at paintings and try to figure out what the artist may have felt or been thinking, too.

When I look at her, strength is the first thing I'm drawn to.  Her eyes stare right into you, and she doesn't waver.  Where someone else might see malevolence I see power and calm control. There's a storm building behind her, but she doesn't look back.

She's vibrant- her hair a web of colors and reflections of light. And even though all the different colors shouldn't work, and shouldn't flow, they do. Wild and subdued together.

Endless ocean behind her, nothing on the horizon, the light catches her face and she's awash in color and light.

What I love about this painting is that it's about strength and light, color and calm, storms and determination. There's something inside me that wants to be her sometimes, that wants to find that blend of ferocity and calm, and that wants to be every color all at once, but have it still make sense.  Sometimes I want to be able to put the storm behind  me and be fearless.  I want to stare down the things I close my eyes to, and believe the sea is calm and cool behind me.  I want to fight when it's time to fight but always restrain it with wisdom and love.

I love, too, that it's a little rough around the edges, maybe just a little unfinished.  Because somewhere I think we all are just waiting for another brushstroke to finish the picture.