Monday, August 4, 2014

Who lies? Depression or me?

This is going to be the last refuge of someone who doesn't feel much like she has one tonight.  Everything I did, everything that happened tonight seems to have been at my own hand. I was the one who took the wheel of the ship and steered that thing straight into the most obvious, giant iceberg there ever was.

So what's my problem? I get an unsinkable, and I feel like I have to be the one to sink it? Or was the whole thing full of holes in the first place?

I feel like when I looked in the mirror, I thought I maybe looked kinda ok, but in reality, I've got the reverse problem of most people.  Most people look in the mirror and they see things that they wished they didn't see, and how they're fat here, or their nose is stupid or their acne is all acting up again. And I see "hey, I like this on me" and feel good. Then I see a picture or something, of me in that favorite outfit, and suddenly "oh yeah, my nose IS stupid." Or worse.

Simultaneously, maybe the picture of myself I see, or saw, as someone who cared, and someone who could be an adult about things, and who could rationalize, observe and find a solution is wrong. I have to consider that the person I am now isn't who I ever aimed to be and the problem is me, right?

I keep running away from the whole problem being me, but maybe that's the whole problem in the first place. And I feel helpless because I don't know how to stop feeling what I'm feeling, and I don't know how to change myself to be the "right" version I wanted me to be.

Instead i make things worse and worse until there's no one on earth who would want to deal with me.

And maybe none of this is true, and it's a really sad, really angry, really stupid, really emotional idiot writing this.  But it feels really true right now. And I have no other place to put this. And I wish i did.

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