The Second Hand

So hello. It's long about 6 am and I haven't slept yet. 2017 has started off the way most people feel 2016 ended. Hellish. Between medical issues in the family, job stuff, political bullshit and having had a really bad cold the past two weeks, I can't say I've really felt great about this year.

We had a plan of action, now that's just...dust in the wind. I keep saying once we get clear of this stuff, but it seems like this stuff is replaced by that stuff is replaced by more stuff. It's stupid. Whether intentional or even their fault, too, people are being antagonistic as hell, and that's driven me as close to the edge as I want to get.

I'm currently trying to recapture sanity with long showers, adult coloring books, alone time with stupid shows, and Two Dots. I'm also trying to regroup and get stuff going like I wanted to this year, which includes writing stuff.

To that end, this: 642 things to write about.

I don't know how often I'll do it, though I hope it will be "quite." Still, life has a way of keeping you at the hospital for hours when you don't expect it, so we'll just not commit to that which we can't be sure we can finish.

But we start with one foot in front of the other, and today, the little seed is this: Things that can happen in a second.

When I thought about it, my brain wanted "the most" that could happen in a second. What's the biggest thing that can happen in the space of only a second?

And here's what I wrote down:

Lights on/off
A kiss
A gunshot
A punch lands
A birth

The last one, I thought, doesn't fit.

But then, it does, doesn't it?
The thing about birth is the ultimate newness.
At 12:16:59 am on November 23rd, I wasn't.  At 12:17:00...I was. And I continue to be. Being takes more than a second, but the truth is, all beginnings are marked by that newness.
One second ago, that kiss hadn't happened, and you were only friends.
One second ago, that bullet hadn't pierced that person's heart, and they weren't dead.
One second ago, nothing was unusual, but now it is.

Everything comes down to the second things change.
And when I thought of that, I felt scared and sad. Because one second from now, I could lose everything. One second from now, we could make mistakes that end our relationships, our lives, our safe place. Everything can just come apart, and that change can come in the next second.

But isn't it hopeful, too?
One second ago, all the hopes and dreams you had inside you for the thing growing in your belly for nine months were just hopes and dreams, and now, gasping for air and covered in blood and viscera, here's someone new, here's a blank slate ready for their own hopes and dreams and yours along with it.

One minute, you're sitting alone, the next you're with someone wonderful.

One second is important because things can change in just that split second blink.
It's important because just because things have been one way for 129,000 seconds, that doesn't mean 129,001 won't completely blow your mind.

Maybe all 5,184,000 seconds of these past two months have been one way, but...that doesn't mean that this next part can't be different.

It's 1,486,000 seconds til vacation. Or it was. I just need to watch that tick away and believe that I can keep going through it.