Wednesday, October 20, 2010
triumphant return and ode to a coffee cup?
So it's been forever, and for that I'm sad. I had every intention of making this long term and daily but somewhere in the midst of the summer I got lost in other things. I've moved to a different place now, and as I was unpacking some things, I came across this.
One thing I love about us and our nature as just...people is that there's such little things that can hold such great meaning. And this yellow striped mug that I got for ...oh geez, 2.50 at a Smith's grocery store in Socorro, NM? This means far more than the price would ever indicate.
It was a different move. I was staying with a man I was best friends with and loved dearly. Love dearly, there's really no past tense there. Anyway, I had moved from Northern New Mexico all of a sudden because things had gone really badly for me up there rather suddenly. He was amazing enough to let me in his home. I was relieved to be out of my bad situation and immensely, ridiculously excited to be able to spend the time with him. I mean, imagine waking up every morning and knowing someone who you shared your deepest secrets with, who you loved in ways you didn't know you could love, and who was just in general the person you wanted to get pizza and a beer with if you could call anyone, and there they were going to be, same house.
Not to mention, I'd been absolutely isolated in my N NM home for the past few months. Unemployed, and because it was a small town where I didn't know anyone, the only conversations I ever had with people in person were with my furball cat.
I was nervous because as you always fear in new situations, you wonder if they'll grow to hate you when you are there all the time, if you'll lose the good things you have. This fear...it is always amplified with me. I didn't know how long I'd be there but I had butterflies that were reflecting my excitement and fear at the same time. That will absolutely churn your stomach.
It was still cool in the evenings at that point. I'd gotten stuff settled, at least partially, and we were setting up at the kitchen table to watch movies. I was thrilled to not be alone anymore.
We realized there was no popcorn. I believe we were contemplating tea or hot chocolate, though I'm not sure which anymore. Anyway, for whatever reason, I was the one who went out to the store to get it for us that night. I didn't have much money at all, but I know I had some.
I got us the popcorn and when I was there, I saw these mugs. 2 for 5. The yellow stripe seemed to kind of match other things he had in his kitchen, or at least it didn't clash. I grabbed them right away and I remember standing in the checkout line, being excited as hell that I was going home to someone. Someone I loved and wanted to have a million more movie nights with, someone with whom this whole new thing was starting.
I knew I didn't have much to offer him, with my job situation and the fact that I'd suddenly had to take refuge with him, but that night? That 5 dollars I spent? To me, it meant so many things.
It was a his and hers. It was something I could do for him, and maybe it was tiny and small and he wouldn't know exactly how much love and care went into the purchase, even to just slightly match his house. But for me, it was this message that was telling him..."I love you, I want to give back to you. I want to share things with you."
And maybe? Maybe that's too big a message for a grocery store mug set.
But I know for me, when I unpacked that set of mugs...well, at first it made me sad. It made me remember just exactly how much of my heart (all of it) was in that relationship, how amazing it *did* feel to wake up every morning, even when things started to be less idyllic. I knew, even when we were mad at each other, even when the relationship seemed a distant memory...that he was there. That I was there. That we could count on each other for ER emergencies, "I ran out of xyz" emergencies, for times we both felt the weight of the world or the sorrow of family problems...or just simply that we were there for the fun things. Sundays for football and pool games. Thursday for the pool tourney. Canyon trips and camping.
There's some things that are too good to ever get rid of or to give away. These mugs? I'd never put a price on them. They don't match my room or the new kitchen. They're not expensive or showy. But they remind me of the best thing I ever could do in life, to love with my whole heart, to try to give someone every part of me. And even if that didn't work out the way I thought it would, it was worth it. He was worth it. I was worth it. And we are still.
So, here I am, back again. Wanting to share my heart, my life and my stories through the things I love. And though it seems small, to me it's huge, and that's what makes life unique and beautiful.
I hope you'll stick around, I plan on doing this right. Doing it for me, and for anyone else who wants to share it.
There's a 30 day project I think could be paired with this blog and the picture a day thing and I do believe I'll start that soon, and here.