Thursday, February 7, 2013

A Little While...

So...the absence was notable.  For me at least, maybe no one else out there. But I'm back. 

I guess lately I've been more of the sort who wants to tuck themselves away up in a tower somewhere.  Maybe here at home.  I have a million things that my heart wants to say and for the longest time I've wanted to touch the keys and pour it all here, but I haven't. 

What can you say when you don't even really know how you feel? How can you feel when you're trying so hard NOT to feel?

I feel bottom of the bottle empty sometimes.  I feel sad.  Sometimes I feel better off.  Sometimes I feel like it's time to blast off, and go somewhere.  

New Year's Eve, when I drove with an old friend of mine, my heart sighed out "I want to go home" and home was New Mexico.   

Right now my heart feels too fragile.  I want to go home because I know that when I stand in the shadow of the mountain I'll feel the same way.  I know that the mountain will always be there, sunrise, sunset, storm or clear weather.  I know no amount of digging away at the stone will remove it, even if I dig away every day for the rest of my life.  I know I could tear all the skin from my bones beating at it and NOTHING would change it.  Solid stone, dwarfing magnitude, healing silence.  

I know I could stand at Tsankawi and scream at the top of my lungs and it would carry out to the valley and to the river and that someone somewhere just might look up and hear it, even miles away, and I want that.

I know THERE is something I bought with blood sweat and tears.  I know there is where I was bravest. 
And I need that.

I know what I should do. I know without doubt that it's what I should do, what I must do. 
I wake up sometimes wondering how I'm going to do it without destroying myself. 

I need to feel safe. 

I don't want to be alone, but alone works better for me when I'm like this. 

If this explains the absence, I'm glad. 
Or I'm trying to be.
One step at a time.

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