What I Did

I wouldn't erase the last post. It's the truth.  Right now, I'm extremely sad, hurt, lonely, and scared.  Right now I'm angry, and desperate, and angry.  Had I mentioned angry?  Right now I feel helpless.  Right now I feel like I'm going to watch things burn out of control with a bucket of water in my hand.  Right now, I feel like setting some fires, but I know if I were to do that I would end up chasing every ember so nothing gets so much as singed.

But...I don't want to go to bed that way.  Snow is falling outside and I want half a chance to enjoy that.

My eyes still burn, my throat is dry, and I can't see how I'll sleep in the next two hours, despite the fact that the storm means I'll need to be up at least that much earlier to get to work.

I probably did a hundred things wrong tonight out of anger and sadness and desperation.

But you know what I did right?
I kept a promise to myself.

See, a friend of mine on Twitter and I got in a casual conversation about yoga.  How we used to dabble and wanted to re-dabble.  So we decided to team up, and do it "together" in different states. At the same time, I had been thinking about how I'd started a countdown a few months ago- I wanted to work out for 30 days straight no stopping, to establish a habit and prove I could stick to it.  I think I lasted about 9 days, and I gave it up.  This time, I've counted down from 30 to 16.  On top of that, I started a new partnership with one of my closest friends- we were going to train for a 5k.  I've never been a runner.  I don't think I can be a runner.  But the more I thought about it...why can' t I be?  So I started.  And I got frustrated, and I felt weak, but I kept going.  The way I'd pictured that going in my head was that my friend and I would do our first mile together, and that we'd cross the finish line of a real legitimate 5k together too.  Well, the first mile didn't get run together.  Tonight I found out that I don't have a partner anymore.

But here's the thing.  I've done the work.  I've run. I've run AND kept the yoga up.  I've started paying more attention to what I'm eating and tried to drink more water and rarely if ever drink soda anymore.  And I've done damn well at it.  On.my.own.  The yoga reminds me it's great to have a partner.  We bitch about hard poses, we laugh, we are frustrated together...and we keep each other honest.  I'm glad for it.

I'm not one to sit and brag about my acccomplishments but I will say this.  I may not be graceful with my yoga anymore or yet, but I feel the muscles in my body shaping and changing.  I see my balance getting better. I feel it.

I'm doing it.

In the past month, I've gotten 3 photos published to the Chicagoist in their local photographer daily feature. Photography is something I really love, and want to pursue more.  And while I don't have a DSLR yet, and sometimes I only have my iPhone, I've been able to work on it.

I've made huge progress in the project I was working on to move all my photos to a new computer and catalogue them.

I visited with a friend who needed a friend and rediscovered the circle of us from around the fire, and what I always knew, that those bonds would hold.

I started small on my promise to myself to read 12 books this year, and in my fishing found A Calendar of Tales by Neil Gaiman. The project inspired me, and I wrote "Second" yesterday...the first real non-blog writing I've done in a long time.

I'm playing in band on Tuesdays and working hard on the music.

I paid off a school loan today!

I'm spending time with family and reconnecting with friends when I can.  I'm telling the people I love that I love them.

I'm damn proud of the 16 on the post-it note beside my mirror.
Because tonight I am sad and lonely and powerless and angry and hurt and desperate.
But tonight, I kept moving.

Tonight I can't fix the problems, but I can remember what I can do.
This month I've found I focused so much on what I can't do or that I'm not doing right....
I've been letting myself and everyone else tell me I'm not enough.
But I am.  And I can. And I will.