Why This Picture Has a Story About It

Today I dressed up for work.  We had a meeting and I figured that I oughta dress for the job I want sometimes, though I spend most of my day alone in my cube listening to podcasts and typing letters to customers.  Either way, sometimes you need to put your best foot forward.

Then on lunch, I took a 1.8 mile walk in the general vicinity of our building.  And when I got back, I had a little time left, so I found a shady patch of grass along the little trail and decided to enjoy the return of the 70 degree weather.

And I wiggled my toes out of the shoes I was wearing and ran them through the soft, damp grass.  And I wondered if the ground was damp enough to give me a mudd butt.  Then I laughed because...you can't prevent mudd butt when your butt's firmly planted on the ground already.  And I wiggled my toes again, and I took this picture.

Because I hope that I never worry so much about mudd butt that I won't ignore the benches for the shade of a little tree and a good patch of grass.  I hope I won't ever be in too fancy a suit or at too fancy a job to kick off my shoes and enjoy the sun.  Because that? That's who I really am.

I like to be outside. I like to smell the lilacs and smile at the dogs being walked and listen to music and laugh at myself when I inevitably trip on a piece of sidewalk because I'm not paying attention to where I'm going.

I want to be me in the face of everything.  I don't want to be the girl who has to make sure every hair is in place and every eyelash evenly coated in perfectly black mascara just to be seen with a guy.  I don't want to be the person who uses exacting language and corporate lingo and plays the office game the right way.  I don't want to be the person who doesn't call you for a few days because that's how the game is played and I can't always be available for you, and I don't want to be the girl who's never got her own thing going.  I don't want it to be a bad thing that I miss someone that just a year ago I couldn't see hardly ever if I don't see them for a few days.   I don't want it to make me a bad person that sometimes I get sad because there's someone in my life that I never thought I would have to miss that I still do.   I want it to be ok if my heart is still broken and I'm still confused sometimes.  I want it to be ok that sometimes I'm not ok.  And I want it to be known that I try.  I love deeply, I let down my guard, and I put those same walls back up sometimes when I feel threatened.

I want it to be well known that I can wear that black dress and put every hair in its place but sometimes I just want to be there next to someone in my Tigger boxers, my grossly oversized Up shirt with a big mug of milk and some cookies and zone out watching something useless.  I want to laugh at myself when I sing Gloria Estefan and I want to sing it whenever I want and not care who's watching.

And that's a little me and a little all of you, accepting me as I am.

But I want to be barefoot in suit pants and make it work.