Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Why This Picture Has a Story About It
Then on lunch, I took a 1.8 mile walk in the general vicinity of our building. And when I got back, I had a little time left, so I found a shady patch of grass along the little trail and decided to enjoy the return of the 70 degree weather.
And I wiggled my toes out of the shoes I was wearing and ran them through the soft, damp grass. And I wondered if the ground was damp enough to give me a mudd butt. Then I laughed because...you can't prevent mudd butt when your butt's firmly planted on the ground already. And I wiggled my toes again, and I took this picture.
Because I hope that I never worry so much about mudd butt that I won't ignore the benches for the shade of a little tree and a good patch of grass. I hope I won't ever be in too fancy a suit or at too fancy a job to kick off my shoes and enjoy the sun. Because that? That's who I really am.
I like to be outside. I like to smell the lilacs and smile at the dogs being walked and listen to music and laugh at myself when I inevitably trip on a piece of sidewalk because I'm not paying attention to where I'm going.
I want to be me in the face of everything. I don't want to be the girl who has to make sure every hair is in place and every eyelash evenly coated in perfectly black mascara just to be seen with a guy. I don't want to be the person who uses exacting language and corporate lingo and plays the office game the right way. I don't want to be the person who doesn't call you for a few days because that's how the game is played and I can't always be available for you, and I don't want to be the girl who's never got her own thing going. I don't want it to be a bad thing that I miss someone that just a year ago I couldn't see hardly ever if I don't see them for a few days. I don't want it to make me a bad person that sometimes I get sad because there's someone in my life that I never thought I would have to miss that I still do. I want it to be ok if my heart is still broken and I'm still confused sometimes. I want it to be ok that sometimes I'm not ok. And I want it to be known that I try. I love deeply, I let down my guard, and I put those same walls back up sometimes when I feel threatened.
I want it to be well known that I can wear that black dress and put every hair in its place but sometimes I just want to be there next to someone in my Tigger boxers, my grossly oversized Up shirt with a big mug of milk and some cookies and zone out watching something useless. I want to laugh at myself when I sing Gloria Estefan and I want to sing it whenever I want and not care who's watching.
And that's a little me and a little all of you, accepting me as I am.
But I want to be barefoot in suit pants and make it work.