Saturday, May 12, 2012

Back burn

Still here.
Still writing and taking pictures.  I haven't really met my goals, and I'm disappointed, but I think the best thing to do at this point is to keep going.
There was a lot of extenuating, and as much as I would like to say that it's all daisies and roses, it's just not been.

Between the accident and some family stuff I can't get into here...I'm trying to keep positive. Nights like tonight, out with my best friend at the movies, laughing and passing candy back and forth...definitely make all the difference.   That 48 hour slice of awesome?  I couldn't ask for more than that.

The thing is, shadows of words that were said are proving hard to chase out.  I lost the confidence I was gaining that things could get better.  I lost the light at the end of the tunnel a little.
One step forward two steps back, in a lot of ways.

I don't feel I've gotten anywhere with the family issues, and I'm starting to think I just may never make progress there, because you can't make progress in any relationship all on your own. That makes me sad, because it was never something I expected.

And let's be honest. I am having a hard time with the car thing.  Not just because I loved the Jeep and all the sentimental attachments, but just...the loss of freedom. The reliance I have to have now on everyone who isn't me.  Their whims and their moods.  The feeling that it's far from temporary. And people have been great so far about it, most people.  And there's the train.  I just...I can't go for a calming drive. I can't just go over to be with someone I want to be with. 

I don't know. I didn't start this out as a post to complain about things.  
The highs have been pretty high.  There's people in my life that...I could not be more grateful for, who have made the world go away.  There's people I'm getting closer to that I didn't expect to, and people I'm getting closer to that I always hoped I would.  There's been the absolute safety of not having to hide from someone, from being able to just be you, stupid jokes, awful hair, and good moods or bad.

I don't want to lose sight of that.

It's been a rough few weeks, and I'm more scared than I have been in a while that everything is going to get worse.  But I'm holding on with a little help from my friends. 
I think that's all we can hope for, is people to be there when we need them the most, even if we're too proud to say it.

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