Monday, April 11, 2016

A Current Affair

Well, it's Big 11 today in this April roundup we're doing on our blogs. That's a bigun for me, and I'd been somewhat dreading it for fear of lack of words or, conversely, too many.

Today's about your (well, MY, in this case, since it's mi casa, internetically speaking) current relationship.

*coughing awkwardly*

So. Neither myself nor my lovely and currently slumbering boyfriend are much for having our relationship all over the book of faces, twitter, or anywhere else on the great WWW. I once, having been a "secret" girlfriend, wished that I would have someone who wished to say sappy things to me on my wall or tweet our every move, but what I found, when I found this relationship, is that I wanted to not be secret, but being secret and not being a highly advertised internet couple are NOT the same thing. I don't worry about being hidden, because I'm not. I don't worry about introductions, because I'm his girlfriend, and he's my boyfriend.

We're going on 3 years, and by Day 2, life threw some challenges at us that many couples don't deal with til way, way down the road. And for one of us, that's been par for the course for far too long. One of the most beautiful things I see in him, though, is his heart. It's in no way hidden, it is huge and beautiful and he pairs it with a sense of duty far beyond what one is taught in any institution in the world. He speaks his heart with his hands, and his hands are those of someone who works hard every day.

It's been a learning process, this relationship. I had to and have to learn how to trust. I have to learn how to communicate. When you're somebody's secret, or somebody's second, that stuff doesn't matter.

When you're trying to build a relationship that can withstand any storm, and can rebuild walls that fall down, you need to have a strong foundation. I can honestly say I had no idea where to start. I was used to building the bricks to keep people out, not to make room for someone else and to protect us both.

It's learning that, as my wonderful adopted dad and my aunt/godmother have said, marriage or relationships aren't 50/50. And they shouldn't be. Sometimes, they're 99/1. And you might be the 99 percent, or you might be the 1, and you have to be ok with the times you're the 1, or the relationship won't last.

As much as you think you're prepared to give someone everything you are, we're all selfish creatures.We want what we want. We get tired, we get weary, we get snappy, we create problems where there are none, we get to feeling neglected.

And, most interestingly, we become "we."
We need to mesh our goals. We need to take care of ourselves, each other, and two families.
I can't say I knew what that'd be like 2ish years ago. I knew I was in love, and I knew it was something different and special.

I knew he would come in and sit at our dinner table. I watched him bring homemade ice cream and amaryllis flowers to my grandma after she had oral surgery and couldn't eat anything that wasn't smushy. I knew he'd be there, brother in tow, when my Jeep got smashed and I was too hysterical to make clear words.  I knew, from years and years in our past as friends, that if I got the crazy idea that we should stomp puddles and walk home in the pouring rain, he'd come with me.

And he has. And he does. And every day, I still try to figure out why and how.
He loves me. I can say that with absolute certainty.
We are a match made in nerd heaven. We've got spreadsheets for shows we watch, and we celebrate holidays like "Dark Souls 3 Day" and have mini MST3K parties and board game nights.

It is hard. It's been harder than I've ever thought anything would ever be.
There's times I've wanted to run away. There's times I've gotten in my car to do it.
And I get some miles down the road, and I look at my passenger's seat, and there's a big, 6 foot something void. There's no big paw on the back of my headrest. There's no chiptunes or video game music. There's no Thrilling Adventure Hour. There's no him. And no matter what the problem was, no matter how much hurt...I know that I wish, in that moment, he was there with me.  I know that leaving isn't what I want, and that it's oddly (I say oddly because of my own insecurity, not because of him) not what he wants either.

So if he gets the flu, I have the flu. If he needs me, I will make him my priority. If he talks, I'm going to listen. Because I know he did and does the same for me, and because I know that it's the only way we're gonna make a future.

So, hell and high water be damned. Or dammed, perhaps. I'd love the latter.  Sometimes I dream of more worry-free days, less stress on our shoulders.  But if we can do this now, then we can keep doing it, and I hope we do. Forever.

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