Thursday, April 21, 2016

I Get Knocked Down. So I Take A Bath...And Then...

So I got taken out today by a combination of dehydration, working outside all day without eating, some hella fun but expected pains, and a bit of gastrointestinal distress. I'm still sore as heck, but oh well. Got some neat stuff going in the yard and garden. Just need to be smarter about how I'm going about things.

The above flower is real, fyi, it's just not in our garden. It's from the Chicago Botanic Gardens. Maybe one day, our garden too? I dream of hydrangeas and lilacs and dahlias and stuff.

Meanwhile, we're still doin' the prompts.

Five fears was the oldest due. Let's list it out! I promise less bullet points than last time.

  1.  Losing people I love. I'm sure everyone has this fear, I just think it's a little bit more pronounced with me having lost my dad so early. I felt like anyone could be taken at any time, and if I'm honest, which I guess this post is looking for, still do. That and a couple of ghosts and demons in my past and I feel like if they're not gonna be taken, they'll just up and leave themselves. "People always leave" has been a mantra I adopted without really wanting to.
  2. Bees. It's sort of on the lighter side, except I really, really am afraid of bees. Like..I try to tell myself to calm down and be rational, because I'm bigger, and I'm not allergic and they may not actually sting me, but get a bee around me and I start bobbing and weaving and sweating and all sorts of undignified stuff. Then once, in New Mexico, I found out what a tarantula hawk is. You guys. I found out by thinking it was a hummingbird. It's a friggin 2 inch or more long BEE that HUNTS TARANTULAS. No. No. All the no.
  3. Not being good enough/making it. I know that Emily Gordon, a woman I greatly admire, says this too. But sometimes I feel like a fraud. Like I'm not a writer/good person/girlfriend/friend. Other times I worry I'm never gonna add up to anything good or full or worthwhile. To be honest, lots of times. More times recently than at other times in my life. I feel like I took some steps off a cliff but I haven't found the ladder to the next part of life yet, exactly.
  4. Making people mad. Sometimes you've gotta crack some eggs. But I'd rather wrap them in layers of bubble tape and foam and soft things and add the extra pounds to my shoulders than do it, and when I do, I panic, and then I make things so much worse. I'm at my worst when I realize I've made someone mad, and I need to figure out how to take it from panic to recovery mode way better.
  5. Heights. Ok, so at one point I said New Mexico pretty much cured me. It did and it didn't. Mountains don't scare me because I love them so much and they're so solid. Driving in them, not really scary either except in certain places or during certain conditions.  Sheer cliffs? Sheer drop-offs, really, even in a shopping mall? Totally kill me. Gut drop fear. Ladders? The past summer when I had to climb up the roof of the Art Institute? I was excited to get the exclusive look at the roof, but scared as hell climbing tons of ladders in cramped spaces and then getting hands up to other levels of the rooftop. This one I can mitigate better than bees so as not to look like a spaz, most of the time. 
And there you have it. Other than fears I haven't mentioned so people don't prank me and end up getting punched in the face (certain nighttime scenarios come to mind), I have mentioned five fears. 

Now let's come off the fear train with five songs, at random, from my iPhone on shuffle. Then I shall sleep, because seriously guys, nearly killed myself earlier. 

  1. The Weight- The Staple Singers- First, I love this song in many versions, but boy do I love Mavis Staples. The first time I heard her sing was in Union Station at my first "big" Chicagoist event as an offical Chicagoist. What an amazing voice, what a wonderful, joyful woman, and what a vibe she has. She makes you feel like you're around her piano after a good Sunday dinner. I adore her. 
  2. Girl With The Red Balloon- Civil Wars- I really like the Civil Wars. Their particular combo of musical talent hits me right in the  feels. At the time I listened to them heavily, I had a lot of mixed feelings, a lot of sadness I was carrying around, and a desire to really soak in some music that touched on all of that.  The Civil Wars, especially the songs on the album this is from, which I  can't be arsed to look up right now, are beautiful, beautiful sadness. Sometimes, you have to fall into that and let it soothe you.
  3. We Only Come Out At Night- Smashing Pumpkins- Had to laugh about this. It's around the right time of year for this song. Smashing Pumpkins has to have some of my favorite spring night drive music. Windows down, still a little chilly, earth full of fresh soil smells and a little rain falling..and a nice blank road waiting to be travelled, while you work out your dreams and fears.  Yeah. This is night drive music. It reminds me of being much younger and doing the same thing, and reminds me to do it more often now too, if I can, just to get a breath of fresh air, literally and not.
Well, that's a double decker for you, and I'm going to bed. Have a good one, people out there!

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