Because the party don't start til I walk in

Seriously. The party doesn't start til I walk in.
Beeecause...it's my party. And I'll cry if I want to.

Meanwhile, uh...
I am the grill master tomorrow.
I have prepared.
I have food, including a delicious steak which I shall try to prepare the way Bill does so that I can go to steak heaven like I used to when he made them.
I'm not sure that steak-fu can be duplicated.

But..but but...we'll have fun.
I think it's mostly a girl cookout, which I'm fine with. I think, mayyyybe, i'll take some pics. :P

This is not my photo, though I did see this yesterday. By the way, GO HAWKS!
Meanwhile, I'm feeling rather ill and therefore have no photo of my own to post. Yesterday was nice. Today my tummy is trying to hatch aliens, and there's nothing to watch on tv, and I thought I was cured but I wasn't because as soon as I felt healthy and hungry, and actually ate something, tummy disliked it. Now in pain again.Grr.

That is all. Sleep well.

Life is just a Chair of Bowlies

It was gorgeous in the city today. I may adore New Mexico and wish to live there again, but I would take Chicago with me if I could.

And today I had a job interview which brought me to the city in FULL glory. It could not have been a nicer day in the city, save for perhaps the humidity, but this IS Illinois...
It was mid 70s, full on sunshine all day, no clouds to obstruct the incredibly blue sky and a breeze from the lake that makes your entire soul feel better.

I got there ridiculously early which I think was awesome, because it meant I could stroll in the sun, take pictures and have a lonnnng leisurely lunch in front of the Trump Tower, which is very nearby where I'll be working.

After the interview, which went great and I hope turns into better things, I decided it was too nice to go straight home, so I set out to Olive Park, which is where the second picture is from, via Fourth Presbyterian, where the last one's from. My secret garden and a park my dad takes me to sometimes. Pretty nice. At Olive I just took in the lake breeze, laid around in the grass and watched Obama's air escort choppers fly over (yes, really)

I stayed there forever chattin' and feeling good and then I headed for home.
The sun does wonderful things for my mood. Whether or not I get this job, which I hope I do, because I am excited about it, qualified for it, and excited about it (so much so i say it twice)...
Today was gorgeous.
And I am grateful.

The Doors

I love big, wrought iron doors. The more massive and intimidating, the more interesting it is to me. I love church doors....old church doors like this one.
It's usually just a small preview to what it's like inside the building.
I enjoy the heft of the door when you are opening it; it makes you feel small and forces you to take time and put some effort into it.

Usually, it's worth the effort. I've found some pretty beautiful things behind doors like that. Amazing, massive cathedrals with architecture you couldn't drink in were you to sit there for hours. Stained glass that filters the sun into jewels on the walls. Pipe organs girding the walls, powerful enough to make every bone in your body vibrate at the frequency of each note they disperse into the air. Places to be silent and think. It always seems to me that the doors are open to anyone and you don't have to be sitting and thinking about God/gods. You can just...breathe for a while. Just think to yourself, be yourself...slow it all down.

There are lots of people who never move beyond the doors. Both cathedral doors, because they're afraid to invade this "sacred ground" and ...the doors we all put up to relationships.
I know right now, I'm more of a "DO NOT ENTER".
I know what I want. I know I want the comfortable silence, I want the symbiosis of mind and body you can share, and the intricacies that come with getting to know someone...I enjoy those things, perhaps too much. And it's all fear that keeps me where I am. Fear that everything beyond those doors is going to catch fire, collapse...vanish. And me with it.

It's so much easier to put up the walls. To never go past any of those DO NOT ENTER signs.
I feel like every time I even get a glimpse of what could be, I suddenly become too afraid to continue.
But...
I don't want to live my life on the sidewalk because walking on the grass isn't allowed.

Sometimes

Sometimes you've gotta treat yourself, and sometimes you've gotta treat yourself right.
I think this is both.

I made these yesterday, but I couldn't be arsed to put a picture up last night. (I totally wish I could make that phrase work stateside)

Meanwhile...I'm just deciding that if life feels too dull and too predictable I need to take the reins and change it. I'm starting with getting very physical. If I can help it, I will get a bike soon, continue my night jogs, and try to canoe or kayak at least a little, and also try to swim.
Yep, I'm gonna be one of those.
But as it turns out, I wanted to be, I just...was doing it for the wrong reasons. Now I've got some right reasons to do it, and I think it'll stick.
And if that makes me look better in clothes, I'm all for it.

This Fuzzer

This is Anastacia. Aka Ana, Weasel, Kitty-Bear, Anya, Bad Kitty! and even Taci by her godmother, my friend Dawn.

She's all ears. And mouth!
For such a tiny thing she's all kinds of personality. The other day I swore she was understanding every word we were saying about here when we were discussing what it was she was caterwauling about.

She's always been kinda skittish and hides a lot, but man, when her goofy, beautiful kitty face and long tickly whiskers wake me up in the morning, I'm a happy person. She's moved cross country with me, she's stayed in hotels with me, she was a much better alternative to Wilson the volleyball when I was isolated up in Los Alamos for a while...

Pets are WONDERFUL.
That is all for tonight.

This was all I had

*This* was the picture I took for this blog today. Not the lilacs and the big white flower bushes and the river overflowing its banks.
This.

Clearly, not in a great headspace.
This smokestack...always been here. Rebuilt at one point, but still churning out smoke in the middle of nowhere WI like always.
I do not want to be this smokestack.
That is all.

I thought about a lot of things today, and I think...I'm just not sure what I want at all. I am starting to have ideas, but I don't know. And I hate that.
Hence...my headspace.

I'm totally a spazz today.
On my dinner date, I used the correct forks, dressed appropriately, made witty comments and befriended two girls I didn't know. You'd THINK that means I can handle myself with people.

But BEFORE that, I let my own psychotic chaotic fit of ...crazy energy...control me. And thus make awkward something that should have been pleasant and nothing more.

I hafta quit doing that. And then I hafta quit making it worse by pointing out that I'm doing it.
And I hafta go my own wayyyy.
No matter what.

I would LIKE the world to receive me with open arms. I'd like the people I love to receive me with open arms.
But what I'd like the world to do and what the world does...two very different things.
Which is why I'm rollin' with the Fleetwood Mac and taking a day off from this manic need to change my whole life.

Enjoy the lolcat. Don't mind me.

I never go crazy slowly...

It's true!
And this is a copout of a picture, but I don't have a steady hand right now because I *have* had too much coffee (which will eventually be my undoing, as I told a close friend tonight)

It's what I wanted to take a picture of, but I kinda took it to take it.

I am, right now, a frenetic, freaky ball of energy. I'm fully admitting that.
Every so often, life gets to the point...or it does HERE, in IL, where I just...want to crawl out of my skin and get some new skin.
And that's me right now.

All the job hunting I did today, all the applications and appointments and all of that, it just depressed me. It made me feel like I was settling into the grays, you know? Like I was just punching my time card and that was my life, or that's what I was resigning to.

But I feel so CRAZY for not being satisfied with that. For not *wanting* to go that way. The safe way. The 2.5 kids and a picket fence and a dog and a house and a minivan way.
If I look at it, I don't know if I ever really wanted that. I keep telling myself I do, but I don't. That's WHY I get so miserable thinking about it.

I want to take the reins, I want to plunge in, I want to live life in crazy, amazing, stupid, lovely ways.
That doesn't mean I want to be careless, or I don't want to get back on my feet, it just means...I know what I don't want. I don't want to force myself into something I know I won't ...want.

Know someone I envy more than anyone? And not in a bad way (and in case you're reading this, I hope you know that...) My friend L. (Names always protected here). He biked. Across.the.country.

He camped in storms, in Gary, he met people, he saw amazing things...but when life wasn't giving him what he wanted, and he didn't know what to do, he just...went. And some people I'm sure thought he was totally nutso, but he will ALWAYS have his stories of sharecroppers and city folk and accidents and the Dragonslayer to tell people. He may not have advanced his resume but he lived richer than most people will ever dare to.
And *I* want that.

So as for the earrings. Navajo bear fetish.
I got them on this road trip. Mom kinda found em for me, and I ended up liking them so much I just got 'em and wore em most of the trip.
I wasn't thinking about it BEING a bear fetish, I just liked them. Ask anyone that's been around me when I see a bear on TV. I like bears. I just do.

Anyway, the day we get home, our friend goes "Oh, a bear fetish! Courage and wisdom! Good choice!"

And while I don't think the earrings are gonna do any miracles or anything, I find it interesting THAT is what I came home with. The desire to change everything all at once, and the reminder about courage and wisdom. Two things I really, really need, before this ball of energy phase gets out of hand.

Just some thoughts.
Wordy, due to caffeine. Blurry photo, same much.

Goooodnight everybody.

Content is one thing, bored is another.
I want life to be *interesting* and alive again.
It's easy to feel all crazy good and amazing when there's someone to come into your life and make you feel that way just by being there... it's not so easy when they're gone and you have to create that good feeling on your own.
Time for some changes.

This is It

You know what I miss most about my life in NM? Beyond the whos and the wheres?
I so much had a life that was my own. It didn't always work well. Sometimes it got really scary, but I was exploring on my own. I was thinking about this when I was looking at pictures from Santa Fe one day.

I took this trip out there to go to Target (because it was the closest target to Los Alamos, and I had a gift card) and I had just gotten off of my shift at the bakery (3:30 am to 11 or later some days) and I wasn't tired. I was feeling like I wanted to explore.

So I did.
I didn't check in with anyone, I didn't research my options, directions...I just went.
I ended up at a state park where I took what was going to be a "little" hike. I ended up hitting at least three separate trails, one of which was so high that once I got up it I was afraid to go back down.

Then I went into the city (loosely use "city" here, Santa Fe is more like a big town) and stumbled on Fiesta.

It was amazing. I loved the discovery, the amazement I felt, the excitement about being somewhere so new and having so much to learn about and explore.
I want that again.

In it to win it

Hey look, it's me! And a really, really adorable kitteh I once loved. Eh, who am I kidding. Still love the fuzzer. I just don't get to see him much anymore.

His owner isn't so bad either. :P

Not much to say today. Except that I worry about everything too much, and more about how I won't ever be enough for someone than I should. I think today was a bad day to be inside my head. I am gonna try doing more things to improve life so I don't have bad days like that anymore.

Old Ironsides

Old Ironsides, you're comfortable, you're familiar, your rocking and rolling along the track is soothing, but you can't take me where I want to go.
I wish you could.
As wonderful as you are, there's more than steel I want to rest my head on, and more than the clacking of metal on tracks I want to feel.

Emotionally, I'm completely torn up. I'm exhausted. My shoulder hurts.
I don't want to fight anymore.

I'm incredibly grateful to said best friend, her mom and her brother for letting me crash with them for a few hours and get some peace from it, even if it ended up knocking down my door later.

I'm just...done. For at the very least today, possibly tomorrow too.
Somehow, this picture seems to fit.

Happy As...

This here is Poohkay.

I met Poohkay on the ranch my mom worked at in Durango when we were there. He's a happy lil' guy. And ok, probably kind of tired.

And that...was essentially me all week. Completely exhausted but loving every minute in the sun.
But as we all know, it's not all sunshine and roses forever.
And today, though the first sunny beautiful day in IL in a while, was not my day for sunshine.
It was a day of goodbyes and wonderings and instant missing of someone. And a good dose of tears.

I guess I keep thinking about life and trying to figure out where it's trying to take me. There's so many doors that are out there right now for me, and it's only recently that they've opened up, but they all mean very different things and honestly, I'm not entirely sure any of them are the right thing, even though...all three different ones on my mind right now would to some extent fulfill a part of me that I haven't been able to get to in a long time.

I guess I keep thinking it's too soon or too early on or that nothing is remotely for sure enough to make a move, but I don't want to sit here and let all that pass, either.
Something to think about.

For now, I'm just trying to remember how good it felt to be as happy as this guy.

Waiting for the storm

So this was the scene out the Jeep's window on my way to visit him again. I was in an overtired, pondery mood and here's my thoughts...

This was a big storm gathering...there's been lots of flooding and it rained almost two straight days.. I really enjoyed the rain and thunderstorms, kinda forgot about the flooding and the other stuff that was going on til I was stuck in traffic today.

And granted, this sky is sorta ominous, but it's really, really beautiful.

It's kind of how I feel about tomorrow. Tomorrow, the visit is over. I *know* I can't skate free from that without feeling...kinda awful at least for a minute...but it doesn't mean that it wasn't beautiful.

That being said, it's still going to suck.
I'm just going to keep trying to live every moment of it carefully.

Silliness

My best friend. :) And her friend.

They're trying to look like they hate each other, but I think she just kinda fell asleep instead.
I so friggin' love her. She always makes me smile, and we can talk about everything under the sun.

Also, she understands when I spend like, 5 whole days with someone and she's the only other human being I have stopped to see otherwise. :)

And yes, I told her she was going to be picture of the day.

What time IS it?

Things are getting real. These past few days have been a roller coaster, but as it turns out, as low down as it got, when I was literally crammed in a corner crying my heart out...the up has been amazing. I can honestly say that the sides of my face hurt a little from the smiling.

It doesn't make anything *less* confusing, but what I can honestly say is this... being missed and being TOLD you are missed, shown you are missed...that's something amazing. Being considered worthy of nearly 3 days of someone's 7 days in a place is amazing, and being allowed to be a part of more...

For someone to genuinely care that you laugh more now, or to just want to sit and listen to the rain together...
is wonderful.

There was a lot of wonderful with this trip, the people I saw in Socorro,and now. I don't know what it all means and on the surface, some of this insane happiness may lend itself to confusion...but right now, I'm just hanging on to that good feeling.

I can't believe it

Just a little something...

My grandma turned 85 today. :)
I made this dark chocolate chip cheesecake in her honor, as well as dinner. I'm so tired I can barely move so I didn't take any more pictures of dinner, but let me tell you something about this woman...

She has raised four wonderful kids and been a beacon to the whole family, despite losing her husband when the kids were young...
She worked in a factory to support her family even though it cost her her hearing.
She bakes, she cooks, she crochets, she plays video games...she keeps busy
She prays for all of us every day.
She will feed pretty much anyone within reasonable distance of her fridge.
She half raised me when my mom needed to work and she was a single mom.
She has a smart, silly and sudden sense of humor that amazes me.
She looks REAL.GOOD. for 85, don't you think?

She's strong, sensible, loving, compassionate, lively, quick-witted, intelligent, meek, wise, and amazing.

She lived in downtown Chicago when Dillinger and the gang were there. She lived through the Depression and World Wars, and she did it all with grace.
And she is STILL going strong.

That's the kind of woman I want to be.

Not going to give up because i lost time

I'll be back here. Just you wait.
Life got interesting.
Good and bad.
I'm still here, and I'm still taking pictures. :)

Respite

So, though the last 18 miles were torturous, we arrived around 3:30 this afternoon here in southern IL.
And this is what awaited us. The first is my aunt's house. It's Prairie style (i was wrong about the Victorian) and it's 103 years old. It has creaky wooden floors and stairs and doors with skeleton keys and a bathroom bigger than the average hotel room (which is so, so nice when you just got off the road, tru-u-ust me)

This house has hosted Thanksgivings, birthdays...all sorts of things. It's also frequently been somewhere we could always come to rest on our way other places, and I'm so thankful to my aunt for that.
The house has tons and tons of memories, from swinging on the front porch swing while leaves were being raked/burned to almost setting the curtains on fire with my cousin, to dressing up all silly and having a fashion show on the stairs...we even had a "spy club" down in the basement.

We've all grown, but I'm glad we have this place to come back to sometimes. :)

Oh, and the other house? That's the old governor's mansion. Governor Duncan. Just to drop some IL knowledge on you..

So this was my welcome to the road this morning when I left Socorro and headed towards home. It feels wrong to type that sometimes. I haven't really felt "home" at all in IL...

There's a lot of things this picture brings up for me...
A bit of sadness, since leaving Socorro the first time was hard enough, especially to go back somewhere I'm not happy and I don't have anything more than I did in NM...probably more sadness than I want to cop to...but we knew that from "yesterday's" picture...

There's a bit of promise in it too though, because I know that there could be good things on the horizon. These mountains...they've welcomed me home plenty of times. They've been the guide back to places I was happy, and the thing that reminds me just how much I love in that town. People and places.

They remind me I could do amazing things, and they remind me of times when people have shown me amazing things. So if there was confusion, if there was hurt feelings for a minute last night, if there was a sense of loss..maybe there's something else out there?

I hope so.
Because I don't want this to be the last time I see that same picture.

Does this count?

This was pretty much all I could think about yesterday...
Beh.

(tonight's post will be for today's picture...)

I didn't miss! I'm a night person!!

I swear! Anyway, it's only 30 mins past midnight here in loverly Socorro.
I'm glad we're here, even if the night had a distinctly weird start to it.
It's funny how little things make the difference sometimes.
I had a nice, calm night outside the bar, which honestly, was exactly what I was hoping for somewhere in the back of my head.

I was just sitting in a familiar room, with familiar people and furballs feeling calm. Definitely a good change.

And I also got to make my peace with some things that happened when I left here. Talked to her and ended up having a little heart to heart while waiting for a salad, and I feel much better now.

Meanwhile..I haven't quite loaded the pictures from Durango yet...and I'm gonna hafta. But for now?
Here's a picture of a place I love to go, I loved to work at, and I still...love.

Because I can.

A picture!

Here's where I are. Durango. Gorgeous hotel up in the mountains. Took a swim, had an amazing dinner with great chile and sopaipillas, free drinks, and random other stuff. Tomorrow we'll go to the ranch my mom worked at and then drop down to Socorro again.

I'm not sure if we'll be in Socorro til later, and we may hike the Quebradas Wednesday instead. Gotta talk to Lewis.

For now, this hotel bed is comfy, and there's interesting stuff to watch on tv.
Lates!

If you don't like the weather in NM, wait five minutes?

Coming into New Mexico from Arizona via 40 is a gorgeous drive. I'm glad for that, because originally we were going to take 191 through the Painted Desert, but it was a little...dicey at the time we were through there so we decided to stick with 40, which runs next to or is part of Route 66 sometimes.

This is a pretty amazing trip guys.

Turns out, the crazy storm clouds you're seeing here were going to be a big ol' snowstorm that kept us from going all the way up to Durango, CO like we'd planned for tonight...

We are instead in Gallup, NM and will drive the rest of the way after an early start and a trip to 4 corners.

Tuesday will be Socorro and hopefully, if weather permits, Lewis and myself will hike the Quebradas.

But for now, though I'm not first driver, it's time for me to sign off.

Le Tired.

So today was the big day. My sister graduated from Grand Canyon University.
The graduation was a big spectacle. Fireworks, jumbotron at Chase Field where the Arizona Diamondbacks play, tshirt cannons, the whole nine.

It was also super long because 3000 graduates were there. Wow.
We hit up a place called Kincaid's Fish/Chop house with everyone afterwards, then we did some Walgreens errands, then we hit the hotel bar, then we went to Cold Stone, then we ...came back and hit the bar again, and I *think* we're done for the day.

This vacation is full barrel blasting through the country but it's been amazing.
I was bummed it was too cold to swim and so was Shannon but..oh well. Tomorrow morning when I break out of my coma maybe we'll go?

Durango and Four Corners are next. Socorro again, then home. Wow.

Today made me think I really, really need to go back to school. I will always regret it if I don't.
Remind me of that later, eh?

And remind me to go for something I love, because I still refuse to do something just because it's lucrative. I want to feel the passion.

Meanwhile, I want to feel the pillow.
Zzz?

Double Duty...

So I haven't quite figured out how to place two pictures where they *aren't* right on top of each other in this blog yet, but I'll do that later. Perhaps when I'm *not* on vacation. Vacation has been hectic but worth it. Hectic due to graduation I think, more than anything. It's a vacation but on the front end that means we have time limits for everything. Which is why this photo was taken through teary eyes.

Thursday night was amazing. At one point, I'm standing at the Cap, same as usual, and I'm literally surrounded by a circle of friends. Not five or six, but ten or twelve, and it kept on from there. I played the pool tourney, I hugged everyone, I caught up on their lives, shared secrets, stories and heartaches...it was so, so good. I got to tangibly touch people I love and miss so incredibly often...I got to see sights I actually have dreams about...I was going to post my "goodbye M Mountain" shot but I can't find it at the moment...I always have these dreams of the drive down I-25 coming in from Albuquerque for whatever reason.

Anyway, this morning after a really great breakfast, some shopping and some Rafiki-pets and more hugs...headed out. It took me til Magdalena to really start to feel better. Magdalena is where this shot was taken, and is a snapshot of the area I adore with my entire heart.

We took a drive down Rte 60 to Phoenix today. It's a gorgeous, amazing drive. Luckily the wind storm died down, though it was cold and snowy (yeah, go to NM, find snow....argh) but we found some awesome stops along the way. Pie Town and Datil were the highlights. Pie Town has excellent pie and amazing piemakers with excellent stories. Plus plenty of amazing photography (bought a print of an amazing storm photographer's).

White Mountain Pass is lo-o-ong but gorgeous.

Phoenix is evil to drive in, but my sister's here and all is well.
If my second picture ends up back on top, I'm pretty sure it won't need captioning. PIEEEE.

Edit: the second picture is the first one now. Zzzz.