Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Doors

I love big, wrought iron doors. The more massive and intimidating, the more interesting it is to me. I love church doors....old church doors like this one.
It's usually just a small preview to what it's like inside the building.
I enjoy the heft of the door when you are opening it; it makes you feel small and forces you to take time and put some effort into it.

Usually, it's worth the effort. I've found some pretty beautiful things behind doors like that. Amazing, massive cathedrals with architecture you couldn't drink in were you to sit there for hours. Stained glass that filters the sun into jewels on the walls. Pipe organs girding the walls, powerful enough to make every bone in your body vibrate at the frequency of each note they disperse into the air. Places to be silent and think. It always seems to me that the doors are open to anyone and you don't have to be sitting and thinking about God/gods. You can just...breathe for a while. Just think to yourself, be yourself...slow it all down.

There are lots of people who never move beyond the doors. Both cathedral doors, because they're afraid to invade this "sacred ground" and ...the doors we all put up to relationships.
I know right now, I'm more of a "DO NOT ENTER".
I know what I want. I know I want the comfortable silence, I want the symbiosis of mind and body you can share, and the intricacies that come with getting to know someone...I enjoy those things, perhaps too much. And it's all fear that keeps me where I am. Fear that everything beyond those doors is going to catch fire, collapse...vanish. And me with it.

It's so much easier to put up the walls. To never go past any of those DO NOT ENTER signs.
I feel like every time I even get a glimpse of what could be, I suddenly become too afraid to continue.
I don't want to live my life on the sidewalk because walking on the grass isn't allowed.

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