Thursday, May 20, 2010

I never go crazy slowly...

It's true!
And this is a copout of a picture, but I don't have a steady hand right now because I *have* had too much coffee (which will eventually be my undoing, as I told a close friend tonight)

It's what I wanted to take a picture of, but I kinda took it to take it.

I am, right now, a frenetic, freaky ball of energy. I'm fully admitting that.
Every so often, life gets to the point...or it does HERE, in IL, where I just...want to crawl out of my skin and get some new skin.
And that's me right now.

All the job hunting I did today, all the applications and appointments and all of that, it just depressed me. It made me feel like I was settling into the grays, you know? Like I was just punching my time card and that was my life, or that's what I was resigning to.

But I feel so CRAZY for not being satisfied with that. For not *wanting* to go that way. The safe way. The 2.5 kids and a picket fence and a dog and a house and a minivan way.
If I look at it, I don't know if I ever really wanted that. I keep telling myself I do, but I don't. That's WHY I get so miserable thinking about it.

I want to take the reins, I want to plunge in, I want to live life in crazy, amazing, stupid, lovely ways.
That doesn't mean I want to be careless, or I don't want to get back on my feet, it just means...I know what I don't want. I don't want to force myself into something I know I won't ...want.

Know someone I envy more than anyone? And not in a bad way (and in case you're reading this, I hope you know that...) My friend L. (Names always protected here). He biked.

He camped in storms, in Gary, he met people, he saw amazing things...but when life wasn't giving him what he wanted, and he didn't know what to do, he just...went. And some people I'm sure thought he was totally nutso, but he will ALWAYS have his stories of sharecroppers and city folk and accidents and the Dragonslayer to tell people. He may not have advanced his resume but he lived richer than most people will ever dare to.
And *I* want that.

So as for the earrings. Navajo bear fetish.
I got them on this road trip. Mom kinda found em for me, and I ended up liking them so much I just got 'em and wore em most of the trip.
I wasn't thinking about it BEING a bear fetish, I just liked them. Ask anyone that's been around me when I see a bear on TV. I like bears. I just do.

Anyway, the day we get home, our friend goes "Oh, a bear fetish! Courage and wisdom! Good choice!"

And while I don't think the earrings are gonna do any miracles or anything, I find it interesting THAT is what I came home with. The desire to change everything all at once, and the reminder about courage and wisdom. Two things I really, really need, before this ball of energy phase gets out of hand.

Just some thoughts.
Wordy, due to caffeine. Blurry photo, same much.

Goooodnight everybody.

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