Sea of Glass-photos from an awesome trip to the lake. :)

So there I was in Kenosha, WI, trying to kill some time while my grandma visited with some of her friends. And...here's where I usually go to do that. This park on the lake is my sanctuary. By the way, that? That wave right there? That was the one that got me. yep! My own fault, I love the water too much not to be close enough for waves to get me. :)

I've never been here before when it was like this. I think it's AMAZING. The waves hitting the rocks, spraying perfectly clear ice into the air? It hits the water and sounds like tiny little windchimes. And the formations of ice on the rocks? It's....awesome.
I'm a little in heaven. Or a lot. The color of the sky on the snow, the sound of the water, the force of the wind and the waves? Perfect.


My visitors, the ducks. :)
Honestly....who could ask for a prettier place to test out a camera?
This was treacherous, but awesome.
I stood in this spot forever watching the waves crash up on the beach. :)
The ducks like my spot too.
Just a walk in the park, folks. :)

Day 6 (and an FBI WARNING)

So here's the day six shtick for this here photo thing.
And the FBI warning, which i'll get out of the way. That will be this. I just got a new camera and a whole lot of free time. I *think* this will help me establish a regular habit of photo a daying. Be warned.

Meanwhile, here's the six A picture that shows your true self.

And I'm posting 3, because I can if I want to. (:p) and because I owe some and because I totally am not following all the rules anyway, so what's one more infraction?

The second one of me in the kiva is the first one that stood out to me when I was trying to find a photo for this.
I was out exploring, I was sharing it with a friend (Kija took this, by the way. And was my awesome c0-adventurer for the trip). This was taken at Bandelier National Monument just outside of Los Alamos, NM in the Jemez Mountains.

That was honestly one of my favorite days in history. It was November and it was a beautiful day. Not too hot, not too cold. We were taking pictures, goofing off, finding bears, facing fears (I did a HUGE ladder climb and I am NOT so ok with heights but I pushed myself and made it.)
This day in particular... I guess it's my optimal idea of me. This is the me I always want to be. Happy, exploring, with friends, pushing myself.

The first one (which....Blogger annoys me with photo layout, cuz my first was supposed to be my second and ...yeah.)...well, I think it speaks to who I am too. Because honestly? I refuse to NOT have fun with life. I refuse to be serious all the time. And my favorite people are the ones who dare to be ridiculous with me. Like Patty, who is the awesomest.
It doesn't mean I don't have focus or can't be serious when it's called for, but I hope I never lose my silly side.

And in lieu of three pics, I give you two. cuz I can.
Gnite.

“I will show you fear and a handful of dust.”

So this strays from my photo format, and also from the intent of this blog but I had to put it somewhere and the LJ didn't seem right. Partially because this is somewhat anonymous, partly because the people I know that read it are the people I'd share this with anyway.

So what is this about?
It's about Bones. (yes, spoilers ahead)

I love Bones, always have since Patty and her mom introduced it to me. Not just because of David Boreanaz, though originally he was what piqued my interest (Hey, I've always thought he was hot beyond belief)

But it's a show that really has a heart. There's been some episodes that have just stuck with me, the message and the emotion in them. The Hero In The Hold comes to mind, as does the 100th and the one set in NM, which for the life of me I can't remember the name of right now...(edit: The Skull in the Desert)

Actually that one ties in to this, I think. In that, Angela is questioning if she ever really had anything with a man that she dated only for a few months every year for a month or so, and someone tells her that if they were all each other's for that time, that's more than some people get in a lifetime.

I think of that when I think of this episode, though this one was just...heartbreaking. For her to FINALLY realize that Booth was who she belonged with at exactly the wrong time, for him to save her the way he did and then absolutely break her heart, even though it was what he had to do at the time. Emily Deschanel was fantastic, she absolutely tore my heart into a thousand pieces.

When she fell apart that way...I would have completely lost all composure were I watching it alone, and as it is I nearly did. That sobbing? The way she cried? That kind of sorrow I don't know if anyone who hasn't been through it can even understand. It makes your jaw ache trying to contain it. I've cried like that a few times, one of which was the hardest day of my entire life, walking out a door I never, never wanted to walk out so amazingly in love and so intensely heartbroken that words...don't even come close to describing it. I've only ever felt that once. It's consuming. And that jaw aching cry? I remember all the times I've felt that. One that comes to mind was when I was on the plane home to New Mexico, the first time I'd visited IL afterwards. I was scared because NM didn't really feel like home yet, but IL definitely didn't. Going back that time, I passed all these things that were familiar and NOTHING felt the same. Everything was foreign and gray and bleak. And because I hadn't yet found home in NM, because I was so alone in Los Alamos, and because things were so hard out there at the time, finding my way, trying to manage on 200 dollars every two weeks.... I felt lost. But when I'd gotten to the airport that day I found I was aching to go back to NM. I was holding on to this moose my mom gave me that sings Blue Moon just aching to be home again. And it was on that plane, staring out the window to hide the fact that I was crying that I felt that jaw ache. All I wanted was to be back, to go see my cat, Bill and all my friends. I knew that when I landed that'd all be there for me and I was just...so homesick in that moment. I remember how badly my jaw ached trying to hold in all those tears.

And honestly, I haven't seen it portrayed that way so well....god, nearly ever.
It more than got to me. I felt it again.
I can't really say I wanted to, but I have to applaud that level of acting.

So this is about Bones...and life. And that intensity. And I don't know why I needed to say something after seeing it, but I did.
All I can think is...we can't lose those feelings, and we can't ignore them. As awful and gut wrenching as loving a place or a person or some combination of both is, and as much as sometimes you don't get what your heart is longing for, or you don't get to keep it....
I always want to remember that it is so, so worth it.

No one said it had to be EVERY day. ;) Unrealistic expectations out the window! Day 5!

Day 5! Post a picture of somewhere you've been. Since I love landscape photography, this is gonna suck. See you in 30 minutes when I figure out which I'm going to choose.

This...is somewhere I've been. A lot. It's somewhere I lived. Well, not AT this overlook, but very near. This is in Los Alamos, NM.

Los Alamos was many things to me. It was a study in new things, survival, and isolation. I was at this overlook ALL the time. I used it as my own personal sanctuary to sit and think, to draw, to take photos, and to generally just sit in awe of where I lived. I could look across to see Santa Fe, over to see the waterfall flowing down from the cliffs....or just down to see the river winding through for what seemed like forever. I stayed for a whole sunset one time, just watching the colors change. I got caught in a crazy storm while I was sitting on open rocks over the canyon...that one was scary. The wind whipped up before the storm came and I was trying to get back to even ground, but I wasn't exactly sure when it was even safe to stand up. The storm had looked really far away across the mountains but it swept in really, really quickly. It was incredibly cold, I got soaked, and I still had a mile walk to the house. A mile's not that long until you're in the middle of a bad storm. But, honestly? It was pretty cool. Once I got in and safe, I thought... "wow, that's experiencing the power of a storm..."

And then there's this picture. I'm not sure exactly why I landed on this one today for this. On another day I'd probably pick a different one.

But I know exactly what was happening this day. This was taken on the day after I got out of the hospital when I had my sudden onset kidney infection. I'd gone to pick up my meds and was supposed to go straight back to bed, but I didn't. I know, probably not my best decision, but I wanted to go back and see it. I was feeling overwhelmed and scared and ...well, mostly scared, and sick, and I wanted to see something I loved, something that reminded me how amazing it was that I was there. How lucky I was. And with the snow falling over the mesas...it was great.

It was in December all this happened, and this was something I'd never seen before. Snow in the desert. It was going to be a totally new Christmas, maybe one on my own (though it turned out to be a two person, amazing Christmas enjoying new traditions and just taking it slow), and this was a totally new sight for me. I wanted to use it for Christmas cards for my friends, and I was too broke to do it.

So here it is, an early Christmas card to remind you that anything is possible. Even snow in the desert. ;)

Day 4: A habit you wish you didn't have

It was interesting trying to figure out what I'd use as my visual aid. And while my lovely assistant paints a pretty picture of it...
Bottling things up is my bad habit.
I'm a pro at it.
I can stuff pretty much every feeling I have down nice and deep. And I do. To my own detriment.
It took working an escalations line at a job I used to have to realize that sometimes you DO have to stand up for yourself, and sometimes, I've learned, it's a huge huge detriment to a relationship you really don't want to cause damage to to NOT say anything when you're feeling bad. I've also hurt the relationship trying to say too much, but I regret that less.

I guess for me...being heard is important. Not being right, or having my way, but just feeling like someone, somewhere is listening. I'm ok with being alone, and sometimes, like tonight, I revel in it. I just...the relationships I cherish the most are the ones that have shown me it was ok to speak the things from deep, deep down. The times I broke the bottle have proven to be some of the best, even if it hurt like hell. When I finally told someone it was my heart to move out West, when I finally told someone WHY I wanted my tattoo and why it was so important to me, the times I've told people EXACTLY what I was thinking....
Those have been rewarding.

So although Ana makes it look fun...I'm gonna try to make life more of an out of the bottle experience.
Cheers.

Day 3: Don't hate, i know I'm late. A photo of me and a friend....

Here we are! Me and Kija, a few Januaries ago. Probably 2. :)
Kija is awesome. A little bit about her...

I think the first thing you can tell , just from the picture, is how fun she is. Fun and happy. Happy-inducing, too.
At first, Kija was a friend of a friend of a friend....but that changed pretty quickly.

She's enthusiastic, artistic, smart, funny and KIND. More kind than most people. She is ridiculous amounts of fun and she made the lonely days in Los Alamos much less so. I think one of my favorite times with her was when we spent the day out at Bandelier National Monument....both of us adore the outdoors, the beauty and the hiking were amazing, and we can just talk about anything.

We have a lot of the same interests, and we enjoy doing a lot of the same things. But honestly, she's just an amazing friend. I really did have these days out there where I thought I couldn't do it, where I thought everything was falling apart, where I thought I lost EVERYONE. Kija's seen me at my worst and at a few bests, and we've been able to find a way to squeeze the joy out of even the worst times. She took me in on what was the worst night of my life and helped me go back home, even when I didn't know where that was.

And that, my friends, is the definition of a friend.
To Kija! My wine, shopping, silliness, movie, photography buddy with a heart of gold. :p

Love ya! miss ya!
Wish we could meet at Burrito Lady more.

Day 2: A picture of you and the person you've been closest with longest...

Hehe. Bet you thought it was gonna be a friend of mine, and I thought it might be too, but I ran across this picture when I was looking for one of me and my friend Dawn taken earlier this year, and I thought..."Y'know, this is actually the one I was looking for"

My grandma....I'm not even sure where to start. I love this woman. She is stubborn and gentle and wise and funny. She is the matriarch in the family but not because she forces her will on others. She teaches me lots of things, cooking Polish food, putting my hair in pin curls...

She's a warrior, because she lived through the Depression, the gangster era in Chicago when people would come looking for protection money and the little old Polish lady that was the landlord would chase em out with a broom, losing her husband and still raising 4 kids. She's not one to complain, either, she was never a victim of her circumstances because she didn't let herself be.

She's taught me that you're only as old as you think you are, that you can laugh at life and at 80+ you can be a kid and make cloud animals or sneak Oreos or something similarly silly. But we also have serious talks. I remember having some good ones when I came back from New Mexico and was so incredibly depressed and heartbroken. She was kind and wise and *listened* to what I had to say. And she never faulted me for being so in love, never insinuated, as so many others did, that a guy was the reason I went out there. She believed I loved THE PLACE first and that was the reason I left, not because of the person I loved. She made me feel like I wasn't stupid and wasn't too little to be loved, and she really sympathized for what I was feeling, even though even I was tired of being so depressed.

Anyway...
I just love her. And we've always been close. She's partially responsible for raising me, during the summers when mom was working and sundays for dinners and things....and when mom had to go somewhere I couldn't go when I was little. I remember Sesame Street with her, walks around downtown Antioch and trips to the mall with her and Aunt Gene....sleepin' in her bed when I'd sleep over and listening to the gurgling tummy sounds....Wheel of Fortune....EVERY.NIGHT. (this is why i'm so good at the game. every.night.)

She's an amazing person. She charms the socks off most everyone she meets. Many, many people ask me if they can borrow her, and I feel lucky I get to see her all the time.

And I'm not too proud to admit I still ask her for kisses before bed since she's here and that sometimes, I'll rest my head on her lap so she can scratch my head like she always has. If that's silly and childish, fine. I'll take it. :)
Speaking of, it's almost time to go down after the news to say goodnight.

But yeah, I think....this makes sense.
She's my grandma. She's known me forever, since longer than I knew anyone real well.
And yeah, we're close. Never...never mess with my grandma. You will be harmed.
:)
Not that anyone would want to, I can't fathom it.
Ooo, i really need a grandma hug. Buh-bye, blog people.

Day One: Post a recent photo and 15 Interesting Facts about yourself

I am so not amused by this for day one, but meh, here we go. :D

This is a recent photo of myself. :D
It reminds me I need to re-dye my hair to get it back this red...

And ..without further bush-beating, let's go with the 15 Random Facts about me. I didn't promise interesting.


15. I'm primarily a musician, that's my main form of art, but I'm also a calligrapher, sketcher and my own personal favorite if I need to sort something out is actually collages, believe it or not.

14. I find the rain ridiculously romantic. I love the fresh smell of the world when it rains, I love the steam that rises from pavement, I love the chills you get, and I love the sound of rain on the rooftops.

13. I want to travel the world. Seriously. I just want to go explore. I don't think that will ever change. I *always* want to go new places and find new things.

12. I still want to own a restaurant and have it be a place full of music, like the Stage Door was.

11. I nearly drowned when I was about 4, out in Wisconsin Dells, when I slipped through the middle of an inner tube on the Lazy River. It was really scary, but I never did fear water or swimming.

10. I go to Lake Michigan to think, to pray, to kinda pick out the pieces of my life. Lake Michigan was my sanctuary out here. Out in NM, it was the overlook in Los Alamos, and in Socorro....well, I felt like i was kinda living in it.

9. I always said I wasn't sure I wanted kids. I still don't know if I do. But somewhere inside of me I know that I'd probably feel weird if I never had them, and every so often I wish I knew what it was like to be that connected to someone.

8. I'm planning on getting a tattoo. One of the best promises someone made me was that they'd share in the experience, and I'm hoping that person still will, but I'm a little afraid to ask them. They're also the only person who understands to the PINPOINT why it has to be a tattoo and why it is what it is.

7. I keep having dreams lately about being betrothed to someone and knowing in my heart it's completely wrong. Last night it was a dream about marrying a guy from HS who's successful and sweet when all along I was standing beside a man who was the one I really wanted to be with. I'm not liking those dreams.

6. This house makes me feel more connected to life here. And every night I love the window open and being up here on the third floor, because it's high up enough I can see the stars like I could when I was living in NM.

5. I am in constant fear I will stay here for one reason or another. I'm also afraid to not be here because I know that things change everywhere and I'll have to readjust all over again. It doesn't change my mind that I love New Mexico even if everyone I knew there wasn't there anymore, but it just scares me to settle for here, but also to go out there again.

4. I'll bury this here, because I always try to bury it some. I miss my dad. There are days when i think about him, about something random. I look at a picture and see the resemblance, so strong...and I wish I knew more than that I looked like him. I wish I knew *him*. And I have a great dad here, but there's no replacement. And I grew up ok, but...it doesn't change the missing.

3. I get angry when I get called naive. I'm really anything but. At times I feel bitter and hardened. But I don't feel like apologizing for having my heart on my sleeve nor do i want to be mocked for it. It is what it is, it's who I am. I care. I'm done apologizing for it. If you are in my life in any regular fashion, I care about you, deeply. Deal with it.

2. I still really hate being called Muriel. It still makes me mad.

1. I am not ready to hit 30. I feel behind.


Ok, well that was....cathartic. I can't wait til I don't have to find 15 talking points on myself.

But hey, that's a picture, and day one!

project!

Ok, so I said I'd come back, I came back for a day and I left. I figure if I do this project, as I've heard from wise men, and I really do it, every day for a month....then I'll have made it a habit and it'll be easy to do.
So, taken from my sister from another mister, Sarah K. , here we go. Here's what I'm going to do.
Post later after I bike to Jewel for day one.

Day 01 - A recent photo of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest Day 03 - A picture of you and your friend Day 04 - A habit that you wish you didn't have Day 05 - A pictu...re of somewhere you've been to Day 06 - A picture that shows your true self Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on you Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most Day 10 - A picture of someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future Day 11 - Your celebrity crush Day 12 - A picture of something you love Day 13 - A picture of something you hate Day 14 - Picture of someone you could never imagine your life without Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die Day 16 - Someone you would want to switch lives w/ for one day and why Day 17 - Your favorite song Day 18 - Picture of your biggest insecurity Day 19 - A picture of someone you miss Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel Day 21 - A picture of something that makes you happy Day 22 - A picture that confuses you Day 23 - Something you crave for a lot Day 24- A picture of yourself and a family member Day 25 - Picture of yourself and a family member Day 26 - A picture of something that means alot to you. Day 27 - A picture of something your afraid of Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then? Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile Day 30 - Who are you?

Slow it down...

I want to slow life down for a while.
Enjoy...this sort of thing, the way that I've been enjoying seeing the stars from the third floor window of my bedroom and smelling the fresh air while I go to sleep, and the way I've been imagining going camping this fall and waking up outside. I love that feeling.

Anyway..today I slowed it down some to enjoy the gorgeous that is Fall.
I'll share.
Not too many words to say today, I'll let this do the talking.

triumphant return and ode to a coffee cup?

So it's been forever, and for that I'm sad. I had every intention of making this long term and daily but somewhere in the midst of the summer I got lost in other things. I've moved to a different place now, and as I was unpacking some things, I came across this.

One thing I love about us and our nature as just...people is that there's such little things that can hold such great meaning. And this yellow striped mug that I got for ...oh geez, 2.50 at a Smith's grocery store in Socorro, NM? This means far more than the price would ever indicate.

It was a different move. I was staying with a man I was best friends with and loved dearly. Love dearly, there's really no past tense there. Anyway, I had moved from Northern New Mexico all of a sudden because things had gone really badly for me up there rather suddenly. He was amazing enough to let me in his home. I was relieved to be out of my bad situation and immensely, ridiculously excited to be able to spend the time with him. I mean, imagine waking up every morning and knowing someone who you shared your deepest secrets with, who you loved in ways you didn't know you could love, and who was just in general the person you wanted to get pizza and a beer with if you could call anyone, and there they were going to be, same house.
Not to mention, I'd been absolutely isolated in my N NM home for the past few months. Unemployed, and because it was a small town where I didn't know anyone, the only conversations I ever had with people in person were with my furball cat.

I was nervous because as you always fear in new situations, you wonder if they'll grow to hate you when you are there all the time, if you'll lose the good things you have. This fear...it is always amplified with me. I didn't know how long I'd be there but I had butterflies that were reflecting my excitement and fear at the same time. That will absolutely churn your stomach.

It was still cool in the evenings at that point. I'd gotten stuff settled, at least partially, and we were setting up at the kitchen table to watch movies. I was thrilled to not be alone anymore.
We realized there was no popcorn. I believe we were contemplating tea or hot chocolate, though I'm not sure which anymore. Anyway, for whatever reason, I was the one who went out to the store to get it for us that night. I didn't have much money at all, but I know I had some.

I got us the popcorn and when I was there, I saw these mugs. 2 for 5. The yellow stripe seemed to kind of match other things he had in his kitchen, or at least it didn't clash. I grabbed them right away and I remember standing in the checkout line, being excited as hell that I was going home to someone. Someone I loved and wanted to have a million more movie nights with, someone with whom this whole new thing was starting.

I knew I didn't have much to offer him, with my job situation and the fact that I'd suddenly had to take refuge with him, but that night? That 5 dollars I spent? To me, it meant so many things.
It was a his and hers. It was something I could do for him, and maybe it was tiny and small and he wouldn't know exactly how much love and care went into the purchase, even to just slightly match his house. But for me, it was this message that was telling him..."I love you, I want to give back to you. I want to share things with you."

And maybe? Maybe that's too big a message for a grocery store mug set.
But I know for me, when I unpacked that set of mugs...well, at first it made me sad. It made me remember just exactly how much of my heart (all of it) was in that relationship, how amazing it *did* feel to wake up every morning, even when things started to be less idyllic. I knew, even when we were mad at each other, even when the relationship seemed a distant memory...that he was there. That I was there. That we could count on each other for ER emergencies, "I ran out of xyz" emergencies, for times we both felt the weight of the world or the sorrow of family problems...or just simply that we were there for the fun things. Sundays for football and pool games. Thursday for the pool tourney. Canyon trips and camping.

There's some things that are too good to ever get rid of or to give away. These mugs? I'd never put a price on them. They don't match my room or the new kitchen. They're not expensive or showy. But they remind me of the best thing I ever could do in life, to love with my whole heart, to try to give someone every part of me. And even if that didn't work out the way I thought it would, it was worth it. He was worth it. I was worth it. And we are still.

So, here I am, back again. Wanting to share my heart, my life and my stories through the things I love. And though it seems small, to me it's huge, and that's what makes life unique and beautiful.
I hope you'll stick around, I plan on doing this right. Doing it for me, and for anyone else who wants to share it.
There's a 30 day project I think could be paired with this blog and the picture a day thing and I do believe I'll start that soon, and here.

With Love,
M

Today

Here's a little ...big insight into me.

We'll call this my two dads.
The second photo...that's my family by blood. That's the man whose name and DNA and weirdly, whose personality, interests and passions I share. He loved the mountains, he loved writing and was good at it, and the list goes on. This here would be one of the only family photographs before this man got taken away from me, way, way too soon. He's someone I'd like to have known more, liked to have stood with, sat with, cried with, laughed with....seen every mountain he ever loved.

The man I'm with present day? He's the guy who not so randomly walked into that role. Him, I've done all of those things with. He's a musician like me, he values silliness and seriousness like I do...he's showed up on an ambulance after a car accident I was in and he's likewise watched Monty Python on his computer with me on his lunch break and my mid-class break when I was going to school.
He's the one who makes it a lot easier on days like Father's Day.

It's never gonna not be hard to know that I didn't get to know, but at the same time...I think I got blessed with someone I can call dad and who considers me daughter right back that's pretty amazing.
And that's all I have to say about that.

Immense.

Ok, I freely admit I have a major lust for big thunderstorms. And I got every bit of enjoyment out of this one that I could. These, I should say. There was a *huge* HUGE line of storms that came through here today. Spanning several counties, a big end parentheses line of bright crimson-intensity storms.

It was amazing. The wind was "hurricane force", reaching up to 88 mph as reported by WGN. The big trees in the park next to us were bowing down to the sheer power of the wind. The lightning was AMAZING, bright purples and blues. We actually saw a strike, as it turns out. When it hit the house (just a short walk from here-not even a block away), the bolt turned flat out pink. We lost power for about an hour and the neighbors had been crowded under our carport.

When I went to pick up my mom, downed trees and emergency vehicles were out in force.

It went away for a while, cleared up and seemed to be the end. But somewhere around 9, the air got that charge again. The smaller end parentheses shaped line of storms that I'd seen on the radar was headed our way. I fully admit my glee here, though the strike so close to home had been scary. More lightning than rain this time. I decided, after talking to someone who fully understands my love of storms, to take my camera out. My feeble point and shoot. And I pointed and shot. And got incredibly soaked in the rain. 177 photos later, I got *close*. I got the wisp of the incredibly bright bolt that backlit the tree out front of the apartment.

This is another reason I love thunderstorms. While I would have loved an even more clear picture of the amazing things I was seeing...it's wild. It's unchained. It's power beyond what you can even imagine. In the blink of an eye. And it's scary, but it's this amazing current of energy. I swear you can smell the electricity in the air when a storm like that is brewing. It's immense. It can obliterate entire towns and do it in seconds, and then clear to a beautiful rainbow a few seconds later. There is NOTHING like that.

It's the same as my obsession with mountains. I love these beautiful, immense things that make the world so incredible. I love the feeling of being swept up in the storms and just captured by it all. It gets in every part of you. Soaking rain, the way the lightning illuminates everything for a split second and vanishes..the way the thunder reverberates in everything around you...the wind taking your breath away... it's amazing. It's totally. perfect.

And if you don't *see* that when you look at something like that, I feel sorry for you.

i'll be brief

This is one heck of a weird looking hospital. I spent wayyyy too much time there for one little pre-employment drug screen. I loathe what Benadryl will do to you. Which is mostly dehydrate you to all hell, causing you to be forcefed large quantities of water and imprisoned in a waiting room.
Also, this hospital happens to look a lot like a creepy old fashioned hotel on the inside. I know it's sposed to be all opulent and "rich people approved" but it's really just creepier. Like hiding that it's a hospital with fancy things will make you forget you're sitting in a waiting room somehow.

No Words...

I guess I'm on a Chicago kick?

It's Lou! Lou visited our house today! :)
If you have NOT yet experienced Lou Malnati's, what the heck are you waiting for?
I will tell you this. I have had pizza on nearly every vacation I've been on, meaning I've had it in lots of states. We do it best. Overall, we just do.
Whether it's cracker thin or deep dish.
It's just right.

Not to say there aren't exceptions in other states that are phenomenal, it's just the concentration of amazing pizza here is ridiculous comparatively.

This was celebration pizza, since I have been offered a job. It was delicious celebration pizza, and there was delicious chocolate after dinner too. The job I was offered is exciting and until the offer is through I can't say where, and there's stuff pending in other arenas too...I hate keeping the good under wraps even a little, but I have told some people.

Meanwhile, I am coming up on a nice weekend with friends, so it's been a good day.

Oh, and I gotta say one thing. I have just today randomly, in talking to someone, realized there's someone in my life right now who no matter how much I do to walk away will come find me. And that is a very nice feeling. Just that someone cares enough to look for you if you're not around the way you normally are. I get scared and I walk away and every time, this person shows right back up in my life, at what always seems like the right time.
I love that.
I really love that. To the point it scares me. And I want to walk away.
But somewhere out there, someone will find me, and I'm becoming more and more sure of that.

To bed! Or to...other stuff!

WEWT!

Tis a good night for Chicago! :D
The fireworks and gunshots and beers and champagne are flowing freely all over the metro area, I tells ya! And yes, I partook.
For one, tis my favorite city anywhere, for two, from the area, for three...I always love seeing droughts like that end.

And it was damn exciting.
I promise to do better with this place!

Meanwhile, GO BLACKHAWKS!!!!!

The thing about haircuts!

I feel so much better.
My haircut was done Wednesday, and I finished the color tonight before my BFF came over.
As much as I would rather take a photo than be in one, I always get the "pics" question from family if I mention getting a haircut. So here we have it.

I have adopted the redhead thing. I thought I might change it up for summer when I first started using this color, but...I love this color. I always felt like a redhead.
So I just...keep it goin' now. :P

Changing your hair is therapeutic, it really is. I like to change it up after breakups, job loss/gains, or any major changes in life. I don't know what it is, just feels like a fresh start.
I really like this particular haircut that my favorite hairdresser did, it has way more layers.
Now that the male audience is gone...
tadaa!
:P

But hey, it's my photo a day.

Wow, I totally suck. I was harassing my fellow photo a day blogger to update and I haven't in days.
I feel like I'm on pause.
I haven't heard from El Fabulous Job whether I acquired it or have been passed over. As of yesterday I heard they didn't know anything, or at least my recruiter didn't.
I've since been on two job interviews for jobs I don't want nearly as much.
C'est la vie, but sometimes I wish la vie would ...I dunno, throw me a frickin' bone.
I really, really want to work THAT job.

I'm just bummed about even having to make that "oh ok, thanks for considering me" call tomorrow.

Bah.

Because the party don't start til I walk in

Seriously. The party doesn't start til I walk in.
Beeecause...it's my party. And I'll cry if I want to.

Meanwhile, uh...
I am the grill master tomorrow.
I have prepared.
I have food, including a delicious steak which I shall try to prepare the way Bill does so that I can go to steak heaven like I used to when he made them.
I'm not sure that steak-fu can be duplicated.

But..but but...we'll have fun.
I think it's mostly a girl cookout, which I'm fine with. I think, mayyyybe, i'll take some pics. :P

This is not my photo, though I did see this yesterday. By the way, GO HAWKS!
Meanwhile, I'm feeling rather ill and therefore have no photo of my own to post. Yesterday was nice. Today my tummy is trying to hatch aliens, and there's nothing to watch on tv, and I thought I was cured but I wasn't because as soon as I felt healthy and hungry, and actually ate something, tummy disliked it. Now in pain again.Grr.

That is all. Sleep well.

Life is just a Chair of Bowlies

It was gorgeous in the city today. I may adore New Mexico and wish to live there again, but I would take Chicago with me if I could.

And today I had a job interview which brought me to the city in FULL glory. It could not have been a nicer day in the city, save for perhaps the humidity, but this IS Illinois...
It was mid 70s, full on sunshine all day, no clouds to obstruct the incredibly blue sky and a breeze from the lake that makes your entire soul feel better.

I got there ridiculously early which I think was awesome, because it meant I could stroll in the sun, take pictures and have a lonnnng leisurely lunch in front of the Trump Tower, which is very nearby where I'll be working.

After the interview, which went great and I hope turns into better things, I decided it was too nice to go straight home, so I set out to Olive Park, which is where the second picture is from, via Fourth Presbyterian, where the last one's from. My secret garden and a park my dad takes me to sometimes. Pretty nice. At Olive I just took in the lake breeze, laid around in the grass and watched Obama's air escort choppers fly over (yes, really)

I stayed there forever chattin' and feeling good and then I headed for home.
The sun does wonderful things for my mood. Whether or not I get this job, which I hope I do, because I am excited about it, qualified for it, and excited about it (so much so i say it twice)...
Today was gorgeous.
And I am grateful.

The Doors

I love big, wrought iron doors. The more massive and intimidating, the more interesting it is to me. I love church doors....old church doors like this one.
It's usually just a small preview to what it's like inside the building.
I enjoy the heft of the door when you are opening it; it makes you feel small and forces you to take time and put some effort into it.

Usually, it's worth the effort. I've found some pretty beautiful things behind doors like that. Amazing, massive cathedrals with architecture you couldn't drink in were you to sit there for hours. Stained glass that filters the sun into jewels on the walls. Pipe organs girding the walls, powerful enough to make every bone in your body vibrate at the frequency of each note they disperse into the air. Places to be silent and think. It always seems to me that the doors are open to anyone and you don't have to be sitting and thinking about God/gods. You can just...breathe for a while. Just think to yourself, be yourself...slow it all down.

There are lots of people who never move beyond the doors. Both cathedral doors, because they're afraid to invade this "sacred ground" and ...the doors we all put up to relationships.
I know right now, I'm more of a "DO NOT ENTER".
I know what I want. I know I want the comfortable silence, I want the symbiosis of mind and body you can share, and the intricacies that come with getting to know someone...I enjoy those things, perhaps too much. And it's all fear that keeps me where I am. Fear that everything beyond those doors is going to catch fire, collapse...vanish. And me with it.

It's so much easier to put up the walls. To never go past any of those DO NOT ENTER signs.
I feel like every time I even get a glimpse of what could be, I suddenly become too afraid to continue.
But...
I don't want to live my life on the sidewalk because walking on the grass isn't allowed.

Sometimes

Sometimes you've gotta treat yourself, and sometimes you've gotta treat yourself right.
I think this is both.

I made these yesterday, but I couldn't be arsed to put a picture up last night. (I totally wish I could make that phrase work stateside)

Meanwhile...I'm just deciding that if life feels too dull and too predictable I need to take the reins and change it. I'm starting with getting very physical. If I can help it, I will get a bike soon, continue my night jogs, and try to canoe or kayak at least a little, and also try to swim.
Yep, I'm gonna be one of those.
But as it turns out, I wanted to be, I just...was doing it for the wrong reasons. Now I've got some right reasons to do it, and I think it'll stick.
And if that makes me look better in clothes, I'm all for it.

This Fuzzer

This is Anastacia. Aka Ana, Weasel, Kitty-Bear, Anya, Bad Kitty! and even Taci by her godmother, my friend Dawn.

She's all ears. And mouth!
For such a tiny thing she's all kinds of personality. The other day I swore she was understanding every word we were saying about here when we were discussing what it was she was caterwauling about.

She's always been kinda skittish and hides a lot, but man, when her goofy, beautiful kitty face and long tickly whiskers wake me up in the morning, I'm a happy person. She's moved cross country with me, she's stayed in hotels with me, she was a much better alternative to Wilson the volleyball when I was isolated up in Los Alamos for a while...

Pets are WONDERFUL.
That is all for tonight.

This was all I had

*This* was the picture I took for this blog today. Not the lilacs and the big white flower bushes and the river overflowing its banks.
This.

Clearly, not in a great headspace.
This smokestack...always been here. Rebuilt at one point, but still churning out smoke in the middle of nowhere WI like always.
I do not want to be this smokestack.
That is all.

I thought about a lot of things today, and I think...I'm just not sure what I want at all. I am starting to have ideas, but I don't know. And I hate that.
Hence...my headspace.

I'm totally a spazz today.
On my dinner date, I used the correct forks, dressed appropriately, made witty comments and befriended two girls I didn't know. You'd THINK that means I can handle myself with people.

But BEFORE that, I let my own psychotic chaotic fit of ...crazy energy...control me. And thus make awkward something that should have been pleasant and nothing more.

I hafta quit doing that. And then I hafta quit making it worse by pointing out that I'm doing it.
And I hafta go my own wayyyy.
No matter what.

I would LIKE the world to receive me with open arms. I'd like the people I love to receive me with open arms.
But what I'd like the world to do and what the world does...two very different things.
Which is why I'm rollin' with the Fleetwood Mac and taking a day off from this manic need to change my whole life.

Enjoy the lolcat. Don't mind me.

I never go crazy slowly...

It's true!
And this is a copout of a picture, but I don't have a steady hand right now because I *have* had too much coffee (which will eventually be my undoing, as I told a close friend tonight)

It's what I wanted to take a picture of, but I kinda took it to take it.

I am, right now, a frenetic, freaky ball of energy. I'm fully admitting that.
Every so often, life gets to the point...or it does HERE, in IL, where I just...want to crawl out of my skin and get some new skin.
And that's me right now.

All the job hunting I did today, all the applications and appointments and all of that, it just depressed me. It made me feel like I was settling into the grays, you know? Like I was just punching my time card and that was my life, or that's what I was resigning to.

But I feel so CRAZY for not being satisfied with that. For not *wanting* to go that way. The safe way. The 2.5 kids and a picket fence and a dog and a house and a minivan way.
If I look at it, I don't know if I ever really wanted that. I keep telling myself I do, but I don't. That's WHY I get so miserable thinking about it.

I want to take the reins, I want to plunge in, I want to live life in crazy, amazing, stupid, lovely ways.
That doesn't mean I want to be careless, or I don't want to get back on my feet, it just means...I know what I don't want. I don't want to force myself into something I know I won't ...want.

Know someone I envy more than anyone? And not in a bad way (and in case you're reading this, I hope you know that...) My friend L. (Names always protected here). He biked. Across.the.country.

He camped in storms, in Gary, he met people, he saw amazing things...but when life wasn't giving him what he wanted, and he didn't know what to do, he just...went. And some people I'm sure thought he was totally nutso, but he will ALWAYS have his stories of sharecroppers and city folk and accidents and the Dragonslayer to tell people. He may not have advanced his resume but he lived richer than most people will ever dare to.
And *I* want that.

So as for the earrings. Navajo bear fetish.
I got them on this road trip. Mom kinda found em for me, and I ended up liking them so much I just got 'em and wore em most of the trip.
I wasn't thinking about it BEING a bear fetish, I just liked them. Ask anyone that's been around me when I see a bear on TV. I like bears. I just do.

Anyway, the day we get home, our friend goes "Oh, a bear fetish! Courage and wisdom! Good choice!"

And while I don't think the earrings are gonna do any miracles or anything, I find it interesting THAT is what I came home with. The desire to change everything all at once, and the reminder about courage and wisdom. Two things I really, really need, before this ball of energy phase gets out of hand.

Just some thoughts.
Wordy, due to caffeine. Blurry photo, same much.

Goooodnight everybody.